Hi Friends, I know, I haven't written in a while. I get upset with myself when that happens because it is such an outlet for my scattered thoughts. To be very honest, I haven't been in the best space, and it's something I wanted to go through on my own.
But you know what? I'm good now.
I have said more than a few times, that once you experience happiness, you need to fight to keep it. I can honestly say that the only thing I have fought harder for are my children. My happiness is my peace is my sanity is my need to survive is my need to keep going; so don't f*ck with my happiness. And yeah, it was f*cked with. Not by any one circumstance but by a plethora of upset apple carts along my journey. I just felt badly about myself. One day I didn't like my hair, or another day my ass was too big, or those jeans were too small because now I'm fat. (And don't. I weigh probably 35 lbs more than I did 2 years ago and for me, I don't feel good about it, so none of this 'you aren't fat' crap, please. I can't tie my shoes without cutting off my air supply; I'm too fat for me. K?) Or I want contacts again or better still, Lasik but eff that- I need 4500$ to even consider that and I can barely afford gas cuz my f*cking rent is stupid-high and now my once-nice car is all pelted in hail damage because I have to pay an additional amount to be privileged to not park 2 blocks from my own home when I have 17 bags of groceries, only 2 hands and still have to fumble against 2 doorways, keys, an elevator, another door, key-fob, another door and a dog who needs to pee and bloody hell, now so do I...F*@(%)#!!!!!!!! I still have to pick up X from A, drop X off at B, race home, make dinner, change, run to Boyfriend's and be girlfriend of the year AND look hot doing it (except I know I have a nasty muffin-top going on right now), then I gotta pick up X from B and get home and I didn't get to work out or go for a run or get gas cuz I'm running on fumes and BAM- sleep. No happiness for me today. I tried to find little pockets of time for me, but this has been my life for months; day in and day out.
The last few weeks, I have sort of been able to sort things out a little better. I make time to go for a walk, even if it's just 30 minutes. And tomorrow, I will do it again, and squeeze in some quiet time for me. And the day after that, I feel like I might be able to work it to 45 minutes, and call the last 15 minutes my re-group time (2 birds with one stone. See what I'm doing here? Yay me!) Now I have time to really be with Boyfriend rather than in a scattered state where he feels the tension and thinks he's done something wrong. And when it all gets to be too much, I close my bedroom door and be with myself and meditate for 15 minutes. And a week after I do all that, those little things just incorporate into my day. The busy falls away and the quiet and steady sets in. And slowly, I feel my light growing again, strong and bright and radiating peace and love and happiness.
My dad has referenced our noisy lives in his blog; http://www.nurturespirit.ca/why/. That blog entry specifically hit me hard, because of what my son went through, just over a year ago. Daddy-O made reference to youth, but I think it applies to all of us. My favorite line of that entry reads "Please help us Jesus, some things we are doing are not working."
I don't care about your religious preferences nor do I want to argue about who's God is real or not real. It's the cry out for help. Faith is faith whether you believe in Allah or Jesus or God or Aliens or are agnostic. But in losing my happiness along the way, I had to cry out to my faith (I think my strongest link is my Guardian Angel; that Angel has my back, man. Every. Single. Time.) because what I was doing was not working! You know that feeling too. I know it is so hard to let go and have faith it will turn out alright. But somehow, beyond our control, our prayers, or calls for help or whatever, are heard. All you have to do is ask. Ask the Universe!! Put out that change of energy. Ask God for help. Do some creative visualization, but it always comes back to faith.
Anyway, I digress. My point is, happiness is starting to return. I hope to be back blogging. I should be sleeping so I guess it's time for a sleep meditation.
But you know what? I'm good now.
I have said more than a few times, that once you experience happiness, you need to fight to keep it. I can honestly say that the only thing I have fought harder for are my children. My happiness is my peace is my sanity is my need to survive is my need to keep going; so don't f*ck with my happiness. And yeah, it was f*cked with. Not by any one circumstance but by a plethora of upset apple carts along my journey. I just felt badly about myself. One day I didn't like my hair, or another day my ass was too big, or those jeans were too small because now I'm fat. (And don't. I weigh probably 35 lbs more than I did 2 years ago and for me, I don't feel good about it, so none of this 'you aren't fat' crap, please. I can't tie my shoes without cutting off my air supply; I'm too fat for me. K?) Or I want contacts again or better still, Lasik but eff that- I need 4500$ to even consider that and I can barely afford gas cuz my f*cking rent is stupid-high and now my once-nice car is all pelted in hail damage because I have to pay an additional amount to be privileged to not park 2 blocks from my own home when I have 17 bags of groceries, only 2 hands and still have to fumble against 2 doorways, keys, an elevator, another door, key-fob, another door and a dog who needs to pee and bloody hell, now so do I...F*@(%)#!!!!!!!! I still have to pick up X from A, drop X off at B, race home, make dinner, change, run to Boyfriend's and be girlfriend of the year AND look hot doing it (except I know I have a nasty muffin-top going on right now), then I gotta pick up X from B and get home and I didn't get to work out or go for a run or get gas cuz I'm running on fumes and BAM- sleep. No happiness for me today. I tried to find little pockets of time for me, but this has been my life for months; day in and day out.
The last few weeks, I have sort of been able to sort things out a little better. I make time to go for a walk, even if it's just 30 minutes. And tomorrow, I will do it again, and squeeze in some quiet time for me. And the day after that, I feel like I might be able to work it to 45 minutes, and call the last 15 minutes my re-group time (2 birds with one stone. See what I'm doing here? Yay me!) Now I have time to really be with Boyfriend rather than in a scattered state where he feels the tension and thinks he's done something wrong. And when it all gets to be too much, I close my bedroom door and be with myself and meditate for 15 minutes. And a week after I do all that, those little things just incorporate into my day. The busy falls away and the quiet and steady sets in. And slowly, I feel my light growing again, strong and bright and radiating peace and love and happiness.
My dad has referenced our noisy lives in his blog; http://www.nurturespirit.ca/why/. That blog entry specifically hit me hard, because of what my son went through, just over a year ago. Daddy-O made reference to youth, but I think it applies to all of us. My favorite line of that entry reads "Please help us Jesus, some things we are doing are not working."
I don't care about your religious preferences nor do I want to argue about who's God is real or not real. It's the cry out for help. Faith is faith whether you believe in Allah or Jesus or God or Aliens or are agnostic. But in losing my happiness along the way, I had to cry out to my faith (I think my strongest link is my Guardian Angel; that Angel has my back, man. Every. Single. Time.) because what I was doing was not working! You know that feeling too. I know it is so hard to let go and have faith it will turn out alright. But somehow, beyond our control, our prayers, or calls for help or whatever, are heard. All you have to do is ask. Ask the Universe!! Put out that change of energy. Ask God for help. Do some creative visualization, but it always comes back to faith.
Anyway, I digress. My point is, happiness is starting to return. I hope to be back blogging. I should be sleeping so I guess it's time for a sleep meditation.
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