I have not been actively blogging, and it's because I'm laying low. I'm in transition with my life and I need to work on myself and do some discernment on myself. As with every transition in my life, my therapy is writing and I've had enough of the baffled and disoriented mass of thoughts in my mind.
I wish I had a clear plan as to what my life would be. As a kid, my sister would come home from school, play 'school', and over summer vacations, would play 'school', and she knew all her life what she wanted to be. She knew what she wanted out of life in general and she married fairly young and while I know her life isn't perfect, it seems so. She went to university, married, became a teacher with a specialty in Special Needs. She has 3 beautiful children and a nice home and 2 cars and is still married (which, knowing the rate of divorce, good for her!) Now, I'm not saying her life IS perfect, or that she hasn't busted her ass for everything they have or that a healthy marriage is easy, but is is a very different path than I've chosen.
And that's the clincher, right? The path that I've chosen. Most times I don't really feel like I've been in full control of my life. I just kind of float along, making the best decisions I can with the tools, resources and information that I have and hopefully land in the right place. I have made so many mistakes, it's really rather amazing I am where I actually am. I could have very easily ended up in a 750$/month slummy basement somewhere, working a shit job and not have anyone in my life; no partner, no kids, probably a few cats. I knew I wanted more from life though, and I guess that's a good thing. But ask me what I want to be when I grow up; I still can't tell you. And um, I'm pretty sure I am getting to be too old to say "when I grow up". By all intents and purposes, I am a grown up. I have a son graduating high school this year, I've been married, I've been common-law, I've been divorced (twice-ish, if you consider ending a common-law relationship) I've been a home owner, I've had a few very successful careers already... I mean, really. I'm a freakin' grown up.
So why do I still feel like that feather that is floating on the breeze? I lose interest in things so easily. I have wanted to 'be' everything. A police officer (but I backed out after the lie-detector questionnaire- no one needs to know that much about me, and I honestly have little to hide, but wow, the questions where too weird); a nurse (but I didn't want to deal with barf and bodily waste), a paramedic (but the shift work/husband schedule didn't work with 2 small kids); a teacher (but no passion- I just liked the idea of same schedules as my kids); a business exec (but a b.comm bored the crap out of me); a forensic investigator (no money for school); a store manager at The Brick (I was everything but... and I didn't like being bitched at all day); a life coach (but does anyone take that shit seriously?); an esthetician (not enough money in it); pub owner (I've done the waiteressing gig and discovered I don't want to make a living off of drunken idiots); a recruiter for a head-hunter agency (no education for it, no $ for education)... I mean the list goes on.
Oh, what is my passion? Writing, of course. Can I live off of my stories? Doubtful. What is my passion? Skiing. But the last I heard, unless you're running the joint, there isn't any money in that either. Find what you love and find a way to capitalize on it. As if it were that easy. I'm a single mom. If I don't pay the bills, who's going to? It's nice to have a passion and dawdle through it and be happy with your job/life, but the reality is, if I'm not clearing 50k/year, I'm probably going to be that slum-dog with 14 cats and because I am following my passion, I need to drag my kids down with me to a cat-pee-smelling hole. But at least I love what I do!! I mean, really? Really? Is that what it is?? I have no money for start-up costs, or time off to follow my dream or live in a fantasy. I live in the real world where rent on a 2 bedroom place is upwards of 1500$ for anything remotely nice. I don't live in some cheap housing market, I live in Alberta, where the money is in Oil & Gas and where grocery prices and gas prices get jacked up daily and where if you make less than 40k/year, you're eating dog food and don't own a car and maybe even have room mates. Too bad I didn't love numbers and math and science. No, instead I love the not-for-profit words and outdoors and crap.
Augh, I dunno. What is passion? What is necessity? What defines job satisfaction? Why is the rat-race the only way to make a comfortable living? Why don't I know what I want to be when I grow up?
I am going to go to bed and meditate tonight. Surely, some clarity should come to me sooner or later. The path is probably there; it's just more like finding it in a dense, remote rain forest. That's right; I'm unable to see the forest through the trees. Pass me the machete... I gotta dig myself out.
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