She's in there. She's been circling for months, cramped up and yearning for her freedom. She roars loudly from time to time. Other times she sits, on the lookout, unhappy and twitching her tail. She gets small pockets of freedom where she can frolic and play but just as quickly, she is locked up again. She doesn't sleep - much. She doesn't eat - much. She sustains herself enough to keep going, but she's starting to shut down.
She's my inner tigress. I love her, but she annoys the crap out of me.
When she's restless, it's all I can do to keep her sane.
I'm breaking.
I write a lot about being happy, and as of late, I am only going through the motions. I'm upset that my happiness has been compromised. I want it back! It's mine. I worked for it! I purged myself of things that held me back from experiencing happiness. The proverbial wall; it came down in a mess of rubble and I washed it away in the waves of the ocean. I transformed! I overcame my grudges and jaded outlook and baggage and I rose up to embrace love and peace and joy and everything good!
I remember looking around the room at a company meeting and looking at each face, observing their state of happy. For some, it was there. For others it was there mostly, but for the time being was interrupted. Others had no idea what it was. Their lines were drawn hard on their faces around their mouths and eyes. I thought to myself, 'I don't want that to be me. Ever.' and vowed it wouldn't be.
Maybe my happiness is interrupted, and that's it. But interruption shouldn't last months and months. No, after that long, it's been compromised so you need to take a long hard look at where it happened and can you fix it and what you need to do to move forward. I have watched people over the years sacrifice the important things for material things and I might be a hippy when I say this but, what for? Can we be buried with riches? Can we be buried with monetary successes? Who wants to die lonely? Will it matter if you go to the grave in Chanel or a gold-plated casket?
I want love. I want my children to know that I worked hard, and gave them all I could. I want to have my home; not my car and a suitcase. I want to be able to make a Thanksgiving dinner for my friends and family to enjoy together (which I have been robbed of for the last two years; not that I'm bitter or anything.) I want to support my kids by being there; not throwing money at them.
I don't know what I want. But I do know, happiness is high on the priority list.
I can hear her, roaring loudly. I don't know if anyone else can, but it resonates with me. If she keeps this up, it's another sleepless night.
Thanks to a long lost, very dear friend of mine who commented months ago, a comment that I only just received today, about how much she liked reading this blog. Inspiration can come from the most unexpected places, and that's why I write. You know who you are, G. I appreciate that you contacted me after many years, to tell me that. Thank you.
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