It took me 2 days and buckets of tears to write this entry. I would write, and sob. Then I'd feel sorry for myself. Then defeated. Then back to cloud 9. Then I'd feel my inner tiger roar inside me and for a moment I'd be okay. Unless you have an artistic out for your emotions, I don't know if you can understand that. Some people write music or poetry, some paint or sketch, I write.
And that's where I'm at. I have a lot to lose right this moment and I'm desperately hoping I can find a way to balance everything.
Yeah, whining about work again. And I'm pissed off that I'm in this position. I'll tell you what... I'm damn good at what I do. I have a hard job. I have a shrinking market, dwindling commissions and huge turn over, and yet, I can still manage to bring on the right people to work for us. I can fix chaos. I am the calm in a storm. I kill it out out there. Everyday. I may never have been better suited for a job in my life and I'm 30 something... soon I'll be too old to go job hunting for a new career.
But working on weekends, the too-long days, the lack of time with my kids and neglect to my home are taking a huge toll on me. And all of that, I balance between my son, who lives with his dad, and my bf and my daughter and I have no time for me. Like, none. I can deal with that, but if I wreck my kids or lose T. in all of this, what is is all for?
I am having sob-fests in my hotel rooms. I miss my fam and my T. I had a precious few hours this weekend where I had a friend come and take some family photos of me and the kids and those pictures... they got me through today.
And what keeps pushing me, inside me, igniting me every single day, is a comment that my old boss made. We hadn't seen each other in quite some time, obviously I'm gone a lot; he is now, too. So we crossed paths a few weeks back and he asked how I was adapting to the new expectations. I'm a terrible liar, but I put my game face on and said I don't mind the work load, I just miss my home. Which, was an honest answer... Just the pain on my face when I said the latter must have been evident. He looked at me and smiled and said, "you know, this job has been typically done by single people without any commitments."
I was enraged when he said that. I was totally taken aback and insulted. What, did he think I couldn't do this? He hired me for the job! And he knew full well what my life entailed! How dare he say something like that! Or maybe he was saying I had no business having this job if I had a life at all. What was the point of that! And I started digging deep. No way will I be told I can't do something because I care to have people around me whom I love and who love me back! That holds no bearing on whether or not I can accomplish anything! And I'm damn good at my job!
And then I calmed the eff down, and considered his words again. He's terrible at saying what he means without it coming across as the wrong thing. I thought about it. I am good at what I do. I'm tenacious as hell. I won't go down easy and failure isn't an option. I make pointed decisions. I fix chaos. I recruit like a champ. I am the best person for this job. And that's what he was saying. He knew all of that about me when he hired me. He also knew I had a family. And he still hired me. So, he was complimenting me, in the weird way he does. He knows I can do it. He believed in me then.
So today, I still hate that I'm too far from home to be home tonight. I may even have another meltdown. I gotta find that balance. It can't rain every day, right? I'm in the midst of a chaotic storm. It's not calm at all right now. But I've weathered worse. I will make it.
I just hope I don't break my family.
And that's where I'm at. I have a lot to lose right this moment and I'm desperately hoping I can find a way to balance everything.
Yeah, whining about work again. And I'm pissed off that I'm in this position. I'll tell you what... I'm damn good at what I do. I have a hard job. I have a shrinking market, dwindling commissions and huge turn over, and yet, I can still manage to bring on the right people to work for us. I can fix chaos. I am the calm in a storm. I kill it out out there. Everyday. I may never have been better suited for a job in my life and I'm 30 something... soon I'll be too old to go job hunting for a new career.
But working on weekends, the too-long days, the lack of time with my kids and neglect to my home are taking a huge toll on me. And all of that, I balance between my son, who lives with his dad, and my bf and my daughter and I have no time for me. Like, none. I can deal with that, but if I wreck my kids or lose T. in all of this, what is is all for?
I am having sob-fests in my hotel rooms. I miss my fam and my T. I had a precious few hours this weekend where I had a friend come and take some family photos of me and the kids and those pictures... they got me through today.
And what keeps pushing me, inside me, igniting me every single day, is a comment that my old boss made. We hadn't seen each other in quite some time, obviously I'm gone a lot; he is now, too. So we crossed paths a few weeks back and he asked how I was adapting to the new expectations. I'm a terrible liar, but I put my game face on and said I don't mind the work load, I just miss my home. Which, was an honest answer... Just the pain on my face when I said the latter must have been evident. He looked at me and smiled and said, "you know, this job has been typically done by single people without any commitments."
I was enraged when he said that. I was totally taken aback and insulted. What, did he think I couldn't do this? He hired me for the job! And he knew full well what my life entailed! How dare he say something like that! Or maybe he was saying I had no business having this job if I had a life at all. What was the point of that! And I started digging deep. No way will I be told I can't do something because I care to have people around me whom I love and who love me back! That holds no bearing on whether or not I can accomplish anything! And I'm damn good at my job!
And then I calmed the eff down, and considered his words again. He's terrible at saying what he means without it coming across as the wrong thing. I thought about it. I am good at what I do. I'm tenacious as hell. I won't go down easy and failure isn't an option. I make pointed decisions. I fix chaos. I recruit like a champ. I am the best person for this job. And that's what he was saying. He knew all of that about me when he hired me. He also knew I had a family. And he still hired me. So, he was complimenting me, in the weird way he does. He knows I can do it. He believed in me then.
So today, I still hate that I'm too far from home to be home tonight. I may even have another meltdown. I gotta find that balance. It can't rain every day, right? I'm in the midst of a chaotic storm. It's not calm at all right now. But I've weathered worse. I will make it.
I just hope I don't break my family.
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