Victory is Mine!

There it is, see?  The light.  At the end of the tunnel.  Oh man, it's been a long haul.  And the light is still a long way off, but it's there, pointing that I am going the right way.  It's that small glimmer of reassurance.  

A month.  That's how long I've been gone from home.  I was home for 3 weeks before that and before that I was gone for 3 months.  Oh sure, I managed to stop in a few times over a too-short <24 hour stay.  I get home, regroup, tell my kids I love them, throw in a load of laundry, cook them some food for the week and continue on my way.  It's not ideal, but it could be much worse.  

I cried a lot.  I struggled/am struggling, but am better able to cope.  And it changed as soon as I threw it up in the air.  Sitting here, in a sideways location of mine trying to keep it all running for The Man while the rest of my territory may as well be deserted as I'm holed-up in one place, trapped; I cried again, missing home, kids & T.  It never fails, you know.  That thing called faith?  It's so profound and will sneak right up on you.  

I've had people ask me "what do you believe?  How can you believe in 'nothing'?"  I don't know how to describe it, but here's a go at it:

It's like the angry volcano bubbling away, and you're the little guy.  It bubbles and spews into the sky and surrounding areas until it all explodes.  Little-guy runs for protection time and again because his protection keeps burning down.  When the lava-river finally catches up to his last tiny hope of protection, he yells for help, hoping, praying, asking, begging, pleading.... He doesn't know IF anyone will hear him, but he yells out anyway.  Because he doesn't have any choice left BUT to cry for help.  

It's not because I have 'proof' of anything or that I believe where there is a will there's a way.  Sometimes everything works against you until you beg for help. Call it the forces of the universe.  Call it God.  Call it karma.  It's the real deal, anyway, whatever name it has.  But there you are, being buried alive by life's curveballs, and finally out of desperation, you leave it up to something else.  

And there it is... That tiny flicker in the distance that tells you, "yep, you got this.  keep going."

I got this. Onward and upward. 

My (Late) Thanksgiving Rant

I have been at my wits end for weeks, what with being gone 5-6 nights, away from my family.  I've been struggling, but while everyone posted statuses on Facebook about their happy thanksgivings, I sat back, browsing bitterly... And I'm not usually like that.  

In the midst of my crankiness, it was easy for me to forget the good things in my life.  It's always so easy to feel like the whole world is against you.  Clearly, I am not the only one with problems, nor do I have the biggest magnitude of issues, and I certainly don't own the market bad days.  

This past week, being a particularly challenging one, made me even more homesick and made me question everything again and I let it all out to T. which I normally don't like to do.  I mean, c'mon, I'm all powerful, queen of my domain, like a rock- I can't be broken!  I don't like to appear weak.  I don't like to have it seem like I'm on the edge, just barely keeping it together.  People have told me that they admire my strength... So it's not often I let someone in to be my rock.  I'm fiercely independent, and I prefer it that way.  

But I lost it the other night.  I spilled my struggles out over text message, and he knew damn well where I was at.  And he said all the right things; though he thinks being supportive of someone is a weak point for him.  And when I say he said all the right things, he didn't coddle me.  He doesn't do that.  But he is always honest with me.  And he doesn't sugar-coat things.  And he doesn't bull shit me.  Ever.  I love that about him.  He doesn't try to fix shit for me, he just reassures me, oddly enough with a touch of empathy and a touch of hard-assedness.  After what's been going on, he was really sensitive to my need to let it out, and was greatly supportive.  I'm so thankful for him.  

I'm thankful for my kids' father who stepped in this weekend to save a day from really going badly.  I'm thankful for his family who is a huge support to my children.  And I'm thankful for his mom who made a turkey dinner and sent my daughter home with homemade leftovers, which is soul-food while I'm away.  I'm thankful for the hug my son pasted on me when I went to pick up my daughter, because he always, no matter what he and I go through, has a big, huge hug for his mom.  I'm thankful for his intuition, because he knows exactly how to read a situation and calm it all down with the smallest of gestures.  

I'm thankful for the strength my daughter has, because this is not an easy thing I've tasked her with to have me gone all the time. I'm thankful that she's smart, and mature beyond her years and has a good head on her shoulders; even when she thinks she's made the biggest mistake ever and I go off the wall, she is still one of the smartest kids I know.  

I'm thankful for my family, because they are hugely supportive of me, my ups and downs, my successes and my failures.  I know I always have them in my corner, no matter what.  I'm thankful for the messages each of my sisters sent me telling me that they love me and missed me and T.  and my kids at Thanksgiving dinner.  

I'm thankful for friends who we spent time with on the weekend and had a blast with.  I'm thankful for friends far away who sent me messages and friends who have never cooked a turkey and needed advice.  

I'm thankful that I do have a home to go to, even though it's rather infrequent.  I'm thankful for my little A-town that has been my home for the last 18 months that I have fallen in love with.  I'm thankful for the beautiful park we have where my dear, old friend came with her hubby to take Fall pics of the kids and I.

And I am thankful for challenges.  They keep me on my toes.  They keep me sharp.  They keep me from boredom.  Each one promises to make me stronger than the last.  

I guess I do have it pretty good.  It's not raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, but it's my crazy life.  (Dammit Ricky Martin, you have forever wrecked the usage of La Vida Loca... Or even Mi Vida Loca!) And I love it.

The Hardest Struggle is the One Where You Have the Most To Lose

It took me 2 days and buckets of tears to write this entry.  I would write, and sob.  Then I'd feel sorry for myself.  Then defeated.  Then back to cloud 9.  Then I'd feel my inner tiger roar inside me and for a moment I'd be okay.  Unless you have an artistic out for your emotions, I don't know if you can understand that.  Some people write music or poetry, some paint or sketch, I write.  

And that's where I'm at.  I have a lot to lose right this moment and I'm desperately hoping I can find a way to balance everything.

Yeah, whining about work again.  And I'm pissed off that I'm in this position.  I'll tell you what... I'm damn good at what I do.  I have a hard job.  I have a shrinking market, dwindling commissions and huge turn over, and yet, I can still manage to bring on the right people to work for us.  I can fix chaos.  I am the calm in a storm.  I kill it out out there.  Everyday.  I may never have been better suited for a job in my life and I'm 30 something... soon I'll be too old to go job hunting for a new career.

But working on weekends, the too-long days, the lack of time with my kids and neglect to my home are taking a huge toll on me.  And all of that, I balance between my son, who lives with his dad, and my bf and my daughter and I have no time for me.  Like, none.  I can deal with that, but if I wreck my kids or lose T. in all of this, what is is all for?

I am having sob-fests in my hotel rooms.  I miss my fam and my T.  I had a precious few hours this weekend where I had a friend come and take some family photos of me and the kids and those pictures... they got me through today.  

And what keeps pushing me, inside me, igniting me every single day, is a comment that my old boss made.  We hadn't seen each other in quite some time, obviously I'm gone a lot; he is now, too.  So we crossed paths a few weeks back and he asked how I was adapting to the new expectations.  I'm a terrible liar, but I put my game face on and said I don't mind the work load, I just miss my home. Which, was an honest answer... Just the pain on my face when I said the latter must have been evident.  He looked at me and smiled and said, "you know, this job has been typically done by single people without any commitments."

I was enraged when he said that.  I was totally taken aback and insulted.  What, did he think I couldn't do this?  He hired me for the job!  And he knew full well what my life entailed!  How dare he say something like that!  Or maybe he was saying I had no business having this job if I had a life at all.  What was the point of that!  And I started digging deep.  No way will I be told I can't do something because I care to have people around me whom I love and who love me back!  That holds no bearing on whether or not I can accomplish anything! And I'm damn good at my job!

And then I calmed the eff down, and considered his words again.  He's terrible at saying what he means without it coming across as the wrong thing.  I thought about it.  I am good at what I do.  I'm tenacious as hell.  I won't go down easy and failure isn't an option.  I make pointed decisions.  I  fix chaos.  I recruit like a champ.  I am the best person for this job.  And that's what he was saying.  He knew all of that about me when he hired me.  He also knew I had a family.  And he still hired me.  So, he was complimenting me, in the weird way he does.  He knows I can do it.  He believed in me then.

So today, I still hate that I'm too far from home to be home tonight.  I may even have another meltdown.  I gotta find that balance.  It can't rain every day, right?   I'm in the midst of a chaotic storm.  It's not calm at all right now.  But I've weathered worse.  I will make it.

I just hope I don't break my family.