The Chrysalis Effect

Mini-revelation time!

I was driving home the other day and it took all of my might to not pull over and start a new entry... I do this frequently.  I have notebooks stashed in my car, at my desk, at home in every drawer and all over my bedroom; just in case, you know, an idea hits me.  

I've referred to myself on occasion as "the butterfly on the wall" because I think flys are gross and butterflies are just prettier than the common housefly.  I digress.  So there I am, cruisin' down the highway and I'm hit with an overwhelming sense of change being upon me.  Change always happens, so I guess the better word is actually transformation.  

I'm in a rut.  I'm working 50-60 hour weeks and red flags surrounding my health are flapping in front of my eyes every day.  Stress- that shit'll kill you.  I've spent all of probably 9 nights in my own bed this summer.  I eat out all the time.  I'm go-go-going 18 hours a day.  I'm not sleeping.  And slowly, I'm starting to feel my happiness slip away, and I hate it!  Enough!  

I know this.  I've felt it.  I've started meditating again; I'm writing more; the last couple weeks I've tried to eat better, more regularly.   And I'm getting centered again, which was necessary.  Say what you will- when you are unbalanced, life throws you curve balls that you just get sloppy on.  And I'm starting to notice my balance returning.  

So- my revelation- that's the whole point here, right?  My revelation is that I need to change.  Not just one or two little things to maintain my current standing, but I need to transform... Again.  Transformation is necessary from time to time.  The last time I transformed was when I had my messy break up and I ventured out on my own.  I need to be that girl again and right now, I'm just a fatter, slightly more unhappy, more stressed out version of who that was.  I need to clean out the cobwebs.  So, being the butterfly on the wall, I need a new chrysalis.  (I know, butterflies are a result of a pupa... Blah blah blah).  My meditation the other day gave me clarity and confidence to make the transformation.  It knocked me over and told me loud and clear that it's time to put myself back in a priority standing.  I know what I have to do.  It's time to stop, give myself credit for what I've accomplished, rap my knuckles for where I've been falling short and push on.  I need to quit living moment to moment and live for tomorrow.  

This is extremely personal.  I apologize, because unless you are feeling the same way, this post will mean nothing to you.  But if you, like me, are feeling the need for change is in your air, then I'm encouraging you to go for it.  Do it with me.  Share your journey, if you are so inclined.  Or not.  I've done this before and I took a whoopin' for it with my inner circle of friends, which really sucked, but I can and will do it again.  I don't live for others.  I live for me.  Anyway... I'm off to my cocoon.  Hopefully I will complete transformation sooner than later.