Alternative Measures

I've been so curious about the other side of religion and medicine and science.  And please excuse me while I talk out of my ass about things I know nothing of.

About 10 years ago, I went to my first psychic reading.  A couple of things she told me rang true.  Some alarmingly so; she said I would be in a long term relationship with a younger man... I remember scoffing at that inside, because I don't date younger men.  She said I wouldn't meet him for a few years.  And that he would be blonde.  T. is in fact a couple of years younger than me, blonde, and we met just 2 years ago.  I also adore him, and see this lasting long term, though neither of us want to marry again.  Hmmm, freaky.  She also mentioned that I would eventually find my birth mom... well that still has yet to come to any sort of fruition.  And she was pretty close about the job situation; I was in a major transition in my life and I wanted some sort of clarity and guidance.  This was also while I was struggling with the whole "is there a God" thing.

A few weeks later, I was medicated for OCD and given an anti-depressant by my doctor.  I wasn't sleeping, I was obsessing about life, my future, my kids' futures, my weight, I mean you name it.  I remember feeling about 3 weeks in, that life was a little more manageable.  I remember the feeling after 1 glass of wine... and the feeling after 2... I was shitfaced.  I didn't like that feeling.  I don't remember a whole heck of a lot after 3...

Several years later I found out I was ADD the whole time and it had nothing to do with OCD.  I didn't need to be on the anti-depressants at all.  I finished my 3 month prescription, but I never, ever went to refill it.  I was sure I could cope on my own.  When I was diagnosed with ADD, I immediately thought I needed to get onto something that would regulate me fast, but I didn't like the idea of taking medication.  I obsessively thought through the medication route, and went to my Dr. (a different one this time) who advised that if I was uncomfortable taking meds, I could try behavioral therapy and try to re-map my brain.   I had explained I wasn't overly thrilled with the thought of taking pills and told her about the time I was diagnosed OCD.  But I also told her I felt like my life-balance was hanging on by a thread, so if meds were the quicker solution, I'd be open to that as well.  She insisted I try behavioral therapy and promised me that the in-house therapist was very good.  It totally helped. It doesn't correct the chemical imbalance but I will say, it does allow you to re-map your brain.  But you do have to allow yourself to be open to that, and secondly, it takes constant consciousness.  You are going against everything your body does naturally.  I get lazy sometimes and when I lose focus of it, I can pin point exactly where/when I got lazy and I have to start all over.  (Blame it on my ADD baby....SAIL!)

As an adult I have been prone to migraines, especially in times of stress.  I'm lucky in that I don't get them chronically.  (I feel for those who do... I don't know how you manage.)  I used to take (insert brand here) migraine relief pills but they did nothing in terms of relief.  They barely dulled the pain.  I've been reading a lot in the last year or so about acupressure; I may study this further and more formally in the near future.  I apply it to myself regularly and have avoided taking anything for a headache in over 6 months. I haven't had to test it on a migraine yet, but I've got rid of sinus headaches, stress headaches, sleep headaches; really bad ones.  I have yet to master a case of really bad cramps and I am working on properly executing that.  And in terms of sickness or ailments, I still take cold meds... I just can't get my head around the neti-pot, though my sister swears by it.  I hate shit up my nose more than anything.

I meditate.  I meditate more than I pray.  I read more about holistic healing measures than I do about science and medicine and pharmaceuticals.  My sister recently took up practicing Reiki, and I would love to do something like that.  (I still might, I haven't ruled it out).  I believe more in universal energies than I do in 1 God above all (though my version of a higher power is God and he does have his place.)  I believe in cards and leaves and crystals and oils and energies that if we are intuitive enough, we will clearly see our paths.  I believe in spirituality and soul healing and forgiveness and letting go of things, and that this NEEDS to be something our society needs to embrace in order to get well.  I watched an amazing TED talk one of my friends posted on Facebook the other day about how some hallucinogenic plant made into tea found in the Amazon and about messages from a goddess whose message was to the effect that humanity cannot be saved until we get back in touch with our spirit selves. Long, but very well spoken- I love TED talks.  Here's the link:
http://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=share&v=Y0c5nIvJH7w&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DY0c5nIvJH7w%26feature%3Dshare


Our lives are so busy and ruled by the almighty dollar.  And really, do we have any other choice?  No, we don't.  We need to make a living so that we can live in a warm, comfortable home, wear our over-priced brand name clothes and feed our families with healthy food and drive to and from our jobs and errands and running the kids to their extra curricular activities (or in my case, their jobs).  We need to pay for our bills and our wifi and cell phones and music and movies and everything.  On top of all that we also need to be available to anyone 24/7 because if it isn't instant, we are *gasp* inaccessible!!!  We need to work harder for less money and do the job that 10 or 15 years ago it took 3 people to complete, but we have to do it better and faster and more efficiently.  We also need to take on extra work because there isn't anyone else to do it.

What I'm getting at, is that while science and medicine have their place; where institutionalized, structured religions have their place, where all of our institutionalized customs have their place; now we are seeing a paradigm shift in people's thinking.  Where cancer was primarily treated with chemotherapy we are seeing medical professionals recommend alternative therapies on a more frequent basis.  Where if you are overcoming an addiction, you are treated mind, body and soul instead of just drying out.  Often times when we see that the alternatives are not working, or people are relapsing, it is because their soul/spirit is cut off. It's unreachable or almost non-existent.  (and this is the talking-out-of-my-ass-part; my own belief, if you will)  Think of those around you, just for a moment.  Who is in touch with their spirit?  Who would even be open to alternatives and really understand and embrace that it is a portion of their treatment?  Who would think it's fluff?  Who would believe with all their might that an alternative therapy would benefit them, and yet, upon receiving it, felt nothing?  Because they cannot identify with their soul/spirit!!  It's a block!  They wanted to believe so hard in something and it didn't work.  Here's an example (story time!!):
I was probably 11 or 12.  I have had to wear glasses since I was 7.  And not just, you know, I can't really see so I sometimes need these super cute stylish frames and these nice thin lenses.  No man, I was blessed with coke bottles.  I'm near sighted, if an inch in front of me can be considered sight at all and I have a high scale of astigmatism to go with it.  Like, I can't friggin see.  I NEED corrective eye-wear.  Well, as I kid, I thought glasses made me ugly.  I would cry myself to sleep because someone teased me that day for having 4-eyes, or someone called me ugly and so it had to be because of the wretched glasses.  I despised glasses.  I wanted them gone.  And I was relatively sure God would hear my prayer if I really wanted to be healed. (Okay, now, you know my history... this is my history, praying over people to heal them of their faults/ailments, whatever, so at that age, this seemed like a normal wish.)  Well there was a prayer meeting coming up.  People in a huge circle, singing worship songs and praying over people and people falling down and crying and healing and a few people speaking in tongues.... I thought I would do this.  I thought, I'm going to get someone to pray over me and it'll be to heal my eye-sight.  Yeah, the prayers happened and the fall down came and I lay there while they continued to pray over me asking Jesus to please heal this poor girl's eyes. I begged and pleaded with God and Jesus.  11 minutes on the floor, and I opened my eyes and nothing. It was like I wasted all that time and I didn't get a lick of improvement!  I was too young.  My spirit at that time was already corrupted.  I know, because I already didn't like that this was my life; living in a church and always having to be so good and always the praying and the image of the perfect family... I actually rebelled in the coming years- classic preacher's daughter style.  I didn't get my spirit back until I went to Mexico.
I'm not saying that's why I wasn't healed.  But I am saying, if you open your soul or open yourself to the energies around you, you are more likely to receive healing in a different sense of the word.  By no means do you need to have tongues spoken over you or need to be pushed over by someone praying.  There are energies at play, and most people can't find them because life is so loud.

So take time to filter out the noise.  Listen to the silence.  Center yourself and listen to your inner voices.  Try guided meditation or soothing music to quiet outside noises.  Spend time in nature and revive your spirit. Thank God or the Universe or Budda or whomever for your blessings.  Count your blessings.. they may be more bountiful that you realize.  Understand that neglecting your spiritual side is detrimental to your overall well being.  Have faith and be at peace.

How Do You Want Your Face Remembered?

I was just at the bank and it was busy.  The line must have been 20 people deep.  And there were a lot of old people; 80+.  Everyone was out wanting to do their banking and pay their bills and chat with the tellers.

I was observing the lines on their faces; on everyone's.  Lines are so telling about how one lives their life.  It's true.  Try it sometime.  I first took notice to this a few years back, but I have found myself automatically observing features more regularly.  I was at a meeting with my colleagues recently and there is a boss-lady who is really quite successful in our business.  She has obviously worked very hard to get to where she is. The first time I met her, I was to join her and her team for a business meet and greet luncheon.  She was busy on a conference call.  My first impression was that she was tall, blonde, attractive and obviously commanded attention.  Her face smiled and her eyes twinkled, but it was so brief an encounter I would have been hard pressed to notice anything further.

Since then, that was almost a year ago, she and I have met again on numerous occasions in group settings.  I watched her at the last meeting while she tuned out the round-table discussion and looked down her nose at her phone, answering emails, sending text messages... whatever she was doing.  I saw years of lines; hard lines, frown lines; the way she held herself in those few moments, she aged herself 10 years.  I started to look at the others, sitting around the tables and what their faces revealed.  I saw it clearly.  Happy, happy, happy, not happy, not happy, not happy, really unhappy and so on.  What a tell!  Their body language was equally as revealing.  We each had to report on our area, and we do have a few disgruntled employees.  I listened as one of my colleagues waived away her entire area as a problem.  It was all bad.  She couldn't see any areas for growth.  She didn't see any potential success markers.  She had already thrown in the towel and every time she opened her mouth, her words and tone and actions screamed out loud and relayed her negative attitude.  Her lines were deep too.  They were not happy lines.

But a happy face reads much differently.  Another colleague presented her area and went into great detail as to each location, where the successes were and who was thriving and who needed extra attention.  She described in detail to our American team leads that her entire area, while not flooded with locations is huge, and laid out a portion of America that totaled 7 States!  If ever she needed to go anywhere, let it be known that she needed to drive a lonnnnngg way to get there.  I watched the disgruntled frowny faces and saw their biting looks.  And I watched the presenter's face...glowing, happy, stress-less.  I know her personally too; she could have way more frown lines if she chose to wallow.

It's hard to always remain positive.  But you can see who chooses to let life get the better of them.  I can see clearly when I read my friends' status updates who has a positive outlook and who bitches and whines about every little thing.  "Today's a good day, sun is shining but my back hurts" or "had a great date night, too bad the service was awful" (always a whomp-whoommmmppp in there somewhere) or "Loving the sunshine, might take the kids to the park" or "Makin' dinner, having a few drinks with friends, life is good!" or whatever the update will be.  Some are glaringly negative all the time.  Some, you want to put a bullet through your skull because they're so damn positive at 5 am it makes you sick... you know, if you're not a morning person like, say... me.  I can tell you, there are those who try really, really hard to be happy. They post all sorts of inspirational things and things that remind themselves to love themselves.  I say to them, "You go sister/ brother!"  Keep trying.  You will get there. And in the meantime, fake it till you make it.  It's worth every tear, every bit of self doubt, every internal battle where you want to get down to another level and just let'em have it.  And one day, maybe something will hit you like a freight train and you will break into a million pieces.  Let it out.  Don't try to be strong any longer. Let it out, cry like you've never cried before; wail if it makes you feel better!  And then leave it there. Never look back.  Paste on a smile and move forward because there, right there, is that light at the end of the tunnel.  You are there... go for it.  BE HAPPY!!!

I was asked recently, how I remain so positive all the time.  The first thing that crossed my mind is, am I? and the second was because I've been on the side of negative, and I didn't like who I was.  I guess I think that really, if life were going to kick the shit out of me, and oh- it has tried- I can take it and let it.  Or I can face it head on and know it's not going to keep fighting me.  It'll try, time and again, but the bad times never last.  Nor do the good, but I don't dwell on that.  Because the good times always trump the bad ones. And here's an example:

It was '91.  My family was in transition.  I was 14 years old and my parents were no longer in the missionary lifestyle... but they hadn't yet decided what to do.  We were living in a retreat house with what I remember as a community of misfits.  We were like the Isle of Mis-Fit Toys.  In February during a cold snap of -30 temperatures, the pipes froze.  The place was heated via water heaters at the base of the walls.  We turned on our oven, and rounded up some blankets and sat in the kitchen... we may have had a small space heater too... but whatever... it didn't warm us up that much, but we were far from freezing.  My recollection of that day was geez this sure sucks!  and I remember my dad breaking down in tears and he kept saying he was a failure, we were homeless and he was a failure and he just beat himself up pretty badly over that situation. So one of my other recollections was we aren't homeless, Dad, we have a home, (which I didn't verbalize) and also that I'd never seen my dad like that.  I remember Mom supporting him and coming into the kitchen to boost us up and going back and forth between situations.

My point in that little diddy, is look how far we've come.  My parents did buy a home that summer, went back to school and became very successful.  They even wrote a book (plugging your book FK and Mama-D! :-P) called Nurturing Your Hidden Spirit www.nurturespirit.ca.  Imagine then, if they had taken another path and let life get the better of them.

Everyone has a hard life.  Life isn't easy!  No one said it would be.  I would rather dwell on the good, remain happy and trust that everything awful in life will move on and not leave lines on my face.  And, on a superficial note, laugh lines will always be more attractive than the alternative.  We will all get old.  Our faces will tell the tale of the path we chose.
  

Meat- Animals- Compassion... Enlighten Me

I may stir the pot a little by this post.  In fact, I'm hoping to.  If you chose to comment either on my Facebook page or on here, please understand that we are all entitled to our opinion.  We are neither right nor wrong in having an opinion.  Be respectful please.

I was watching a video someone posted on FB about animal cruelty so that we, the righteous consumer, "Man" being the top of the food chain (listen I'd say humanity, but it was anything but humane... ok, "People" being the top of the food chain; better?) could fulfill their gluttonous faces full of meat.

Now, I know I may sound a little naive here, but I'm really going to put this in my own perspective.  I eat meat.  I'm not ashamed of it.  I don't eat copious amounts of it and I really do try to shop where I know it is organic and not stuffed full of hormones, and if at all there is a way to know where it came from, I try to, because I don't like these cruel videos that circulate. But then I feel terrible for eating meat, which is somewhat a staple in my diet.  To top it all off, I want to scream at the poster of the video and say "this was filmed in China!  Of course we know not to support their back-asswards economy!  Don't support cheap goods from China; that shit'll kill you!  Show me the cruelty at the farm down the road where I buy my stuff from, at the Farmer's Market!"  And that in itself is the wrong attitude to take, because I know damn well the animals aren't dying graciously to be served at my table, regardless of where I bought them, or how much research I do.  I want to eat meat.  I like meat.  I like fish.  I like protein that doesn't taste like erasers soaked in broth.

Then there is the "red-neck" point of view.  They are in fact raised for food- pigs, cows, chickens, tilapia, tuna, salmon, lamb, even elk and bison these days.  I mean, come on, who are we kidding?  Are we just going to set them all free to roam the earth?  Really?  Where's the master plan here?  Are we going to go back to hunting and fishing only?  What about gardens?  If we all grew our own food and hunted our own meat, well then I guess that's just dandy, because I will need to stock up on kerosene and wood and probably buy a horse, since I won't be able to hold a job now that I'm a cave-woman.

It is a beautiful thought to be able to go back to simpler times, but mass-consumerism is a reality.  We are accustomed to everyday luxuries like power and running, heated water, and not freezing to death in our own home in January.  We can get in the car and drive anywhere in mere minutes or a few hours to purchase our own luxuries or visit friends and family.  And I know, we all look at the family who weighs over a ton , just the 3 of them, and judge them for their unhealthy ways as they wander down the isles at Costco and their cart is full of crap.

There is responsible consumerism, isn't there?  Buy local, buy organic, educate yourself on how it's prepared, where it comes from, how it will affect your over-all well being... hell if you're lucky enough, visit the damn farm!  Consider not too long ago, where our First Nations people killed an animal and treated it as a sacrifice and gave back to Mother Earth.  Can we still operate that way without the mass-production factories that treat animals so cruelly that we feel guilty for ingesting them at all?  Because the only reason those places exist  is to mass produce, grow/fatten for a few months and kill at an alarmingly fast rate to fulfill our need or demand for animal protein.

I don't want a cow, or a goat or a flock of chickens or a garden!  I don't!  I'm sorry, but my life is too damn busy to do that.  I want to have a bbq with my friends, eat a burger, know that it was from Canada and feel guiltless doing it.  I want the damn burger to have cheese on it, because it's delicious.  I might enjoy a slice of bacon or two.  And mayo.  And tomato and lettuce.  And no, I'm sorry, but a veggie burger with vegan cheese won't cut it for me.  I would rather eat falafel, and that's cool too, but I wanted the burger because you said we were having a bbq.  That's it.  That's my take on it.

I don't mind if you decide to eat meat.  I don't mind if you are vegetarian or vegan.  I understand that people have varying levels of being able to stomach the cruelty that animals go through to arrive at our table.  It's easier for me to turn a blind eye.  I don't want to know what it went through exactly; I just want to eat it. What is the alternative, really, in the grand scheme of things?  There are plenty.  I personally would rather know the farmer, but since that's almost impossible- but not totally, if you buy from Farmer's Markets- I actually know one farmer who I deal with quite frequently, because I know he's organic, and he kills and butchers his own meat.  Somehow that rests easier with me, because I've known the family for years.  I have never seen it done, but I guarantee it's not as cruel as being forced into a truck with an electric prod, being shipped down the road for 4 days shitting all over yourself only to arrive to smell the death of your own species, and then being beaten, as you are forced through a series of gates while you fear the bullet that will ding you in the skull but if you make it through that, you're neck will be sliced open and your blood drained all over the floor.  Yeah, it is sick.  But it's not enough for me to stop eating it.  I'd just rather eat it knowing it came from a well run farm, by a good family who knows these animals are raised for food, but they don't put them through anything as tortuous as that.  That's the alternative I chose to take.  And it's my choice.

What is your choice?

What is the solution to the problem?

Is there a viable solution?

Do you think these animals should be free?  What about ecosystems and the fact that these now domesticated animals are dumb as a pair of old socks and would never survive?  (And I know, they feel, therefore they are.  But just because they feel doesn't make them equal to humans-  That's probably very red-neckish of me to say, but when a cow invents an electronic device, or a pig can fly an aircraft or a turkey can do algebra, then the argument that animals are equal to humans will hold water.)

I am not trying to stand up on a soap-box and say "I only buy organic, humane meat, I'm a better member of society!"  Hell, there are plenty of times I need to run to the grocery store out of convenience.  The Farmer's Market is all the way in Calgary and they do come to Airdrie on Thursdays... in the summer.  I prefer to buy Canadian.  I prefer to buy organic.  I will ingest a Top-Dogs hotdog once in a blue moon.  And I will probably buy a bagged salad rather than grow my own lettuce.  I strive for leaving less of an environmental footprint on the world, but it's not always that easy.  Sometimes I buy non-organic, or canned something that I discovered later was made in China.  I'm human.  But I try.

I'm very curious as to your feedback.  Let me know what you think.

The Importance of Being Balanced (oh I wanted to say 'earnest' so badly!)

I'm reminded of the simple pleasures;  a home-cooked meal, a hug from someone who loves you back, sleeping in your own bed, sitting in quiet whilst drinking a coffee, snuggling up beside someone special, a peaceful (yet brisk) walk....

I have been on the road for a month, solid.  I mean, I travel for work, so I'm always up to something up and down the AB highways; but I have been GONE, overnight, every night for a solid month.  My poor kids wonder where the heck mom is... (I'm so grateful that they are both independent and responsible human beings- I couldn't do my job otherwise.)  T. takes what precious little time we do have together and makes me feel loved.  When I do travel to central AB, my parents and sisters always welcome me in with open arms... ahhh, a little bit of solace- it is so welcome... I take a little reprieve in that I'm still with family.  And yes, I get it, I'm whining a little...

I am fast coming to the conclusion that I am not invincible.  The long days and hotels and eating out and working myself to death are reeking havoc on my body.  I'm gaining weight so fast.  Well, sure, it sounds easy; just go to the hotel gym and stretch out and get on the treadmill for an hour, right?  Ugh, but I'm tired!  I drove for 8 hours, I have a boatload of emails to answer and I haven't eaten a square meal in 2 days.  So I order up some takeout, watch some TV and crash... but it's a light crash.  Even if I seem dead to the world for 6 hours, I've actually woken 3 or 4 times because the stupid bed isn't my bed and the pillows are giving me neck-kinks and the sheets are tucked in so damn tight, how do you even get comfortable?  Begin day at 6 am, eat a high-cal breakfast because that's the only option in town, go-go-go till 7 pm and start all over.  In a matter of a couple of weeks I start to burn out.  If I do go home, I'm so tired that I'm less than motivated to cook, clean, do laundry...But I do try.  (Oh, listen to the wailing of that whaaaaa-mbulance!)

I've started to get very much into meditation.  I have been meditating since I was around 14.  My parents had this creative-visualization meditation cassette by Shakti Gwain that I used to pop into my Walkman and I'd surround myself with the pink bubble in my happy place.  Positive energy in, negative energy out, relaxing every muscle in my body, pink bubble, pink bubble, pink bubble....It helped me sleep.  (I have also been a life-long battler of insomnia.)  Nothing really ever manifested itself; I was too young to grasp the concept.  I mean, I understood what manifestation was, but I just didn't know enough about who I was to be able to figure out what I wanted.  I have picked up meditating within the last few years again, and I love it.  Nothing ever really manifests itself even now; but I realize I'm not looking for riches or success or fancy cars and big houses.  What does come to me is peace, tranquility, aligning of chakras (this one is new to me; the Third Eye always eff's me up!  I cannot see out of my Third Eye!!!!  Why can't I see out of my damn Third Eye!???) balance and the ability to move forward in high-stress situations.  I can definitely feel when I'm unbalanced and have not meditated in a few days.  I meditated last night.  Oh to wake, go into work and still feel elated and happy!!  A quiet office day where I can get some busy-work done that I've neglected on the road, sip coffee at my desk, and go home to see my daughter for a bit until she goes out or to work, maybe make real food for dinner and spend some time with T.

I was looking at my desk when I came in to the office though.  Definitely chaotic.  Needs a makeover.  I have piles of stuff all over, a container of Lysol wipes, (cuz everything is disgusting, always, everywhere... I have one in the car too.  I love those things.) cords, and chargers and power-bars, boxes and boxes and boxes of supplies that need to be moved to anywhere but here...And on the right side of my desk, opposite of my phone, I have 3 frames; one is for friends, where I have the 3 J's all in a group hug of 2 of my best girlfriends since I was like, 10 years old.  The frame has little words all over it; Friends- Laugh- Good Times- Smile- Fun.  I change the picture a few times a year with different friends.  The second one in the middle has T. and I in Mexico and its frame reads Love- Forever- Always- Happiness.  I change that picture too, every so often when I think T. and I have a great couples pic.  The third frame is for my fam and the picture in it is a picture of last summer when my G-ma Steffler came out for her 85th b-day with my Aunt and Uncle and we had family photos done and is of my kids and I and that frame reads; Family- Togetherness- A lifetime of memories- Love & Laughter.  I love that picture.  I have not changed it yet.  It is the small portion of my desk that is peaceful and reminds me why I work so hard to make a decent life.  For balance; to spend time with friends, to enjoy my life, to give my kids the life they deserve.

So my point in all of this long-winded jibberish, is that balance NEEDS to be prominent in anyone's life.  If I work too hard and neglect my health, I will rob my own life of it's full potential.  I will be unhealthy and fat and I don't need another risk-factor- I already smoke.  If I don't work hard enough, I will not have the means to enjoy the fun things in life.  If I spend too much time having fun, I will probably lose my job.  But looking at the smiles in each of those pictures makes me want to nurture all the aspects of my life.  Life is wonderful.  Life is full.  I don't ever want to look back and say, "I didn't do ______ because I didn't have time/energy/motivation."  (I didn't walk the treadmill because I'm lazy... laziness kills if your heart gives out. Insert ass-kicking here.)

Anyway, I've wasted enough time today (writing is never a waste though) and should focus.  Step 1- clean off desk.  Step 2- answer all emails.  Step 3- organize the next few weeks.  Step 4- enjoy the evening.  Step 5- maintain balance.  Always.

Wasting Time Thinking Negative Thoughts

I stumbled upon someone I used to be very good friends with not too long ago.  It was a Facebook stumble that allowed me to see that so & so was with a bunch of other old friends at a pub together.  My entire old crew... Some who at the time were not even really friends- I was the mutual; they were sort of friends through me.  A rather odd feeling overtook me... It reeked of insecurity.  Why were they all friends now?  And surely the common ground must have been over disdain for me.  

When everything changed with me and I discovered happiness, people around me started dropping like flies.  And the worst of it was they thought I was the one screwed up!  I have never had so much bitterness rear its ugly head in my direction.  I have thought so long and so hard as to WHY I became the bad person; their outlet for poison.  Even as I write this, I don't want to sound all high and mighty... Something in each of us changed and we no longer mixed well.  And to be quite frank, I have to let it all go because it's not worth it to get all worked up.  But still... Being that I was so close with these people before makes me wonder what it is that is their common ground; because a consistent factor is me.  And so, do they talk about me?  Do they trash talk and bond over that crap?  Because people do that.  The old adage, 'misery loves company' rings true.  And my feelings are hurt and I feel badly about myself.....

I shouldn't, though.  I really shouldn't waste the energy.  I know that today I am a better person than I was then.  Maybe I need to apologize to them... I certainly wasn't my best.  But I thought I was good enough... Why, at my best am I no longer good enough?  There's a punch to the self-esteem.  

Forget it.  Life moves forward, and if you do ever try to go back, it usually is a lot different than you thought it might be.   Shake it off sister, embrace who you are and love yourself.  Be thankful for the good in your life, because my life is really full.  It's full of love and joy and peace and laughter.  I have wonderful friends; those who stuck by me, I have a good man, I have awesome teenagers and a strong, loving and supportive family. 

Remember: What someone else thinks of you is none of your business.  

Stay strong.  Stay positive.  Stay true to yourself.  Actions always speak louder than words.  

Don't Ever Give Up. Happiness Is For Everyone.

Sitting, laptop in said lap, tapping, pausing and tapping; I'm looking for the right title entry for this blog... it's a loaded topic.  Pausing again, I nearly have it, but I've too many other thoughts running through my mind and I don't want to forget anything as my ADD-brain shouts out every bloody idea it can just to clog up my brain.

Oh, my last rant was full of stress, and I started thinking how difficult everyday life is.  And like, difficult for me; me, who has no real issues of which to speak of.  I'm not depressed, nor am I broke, nor am I battling mental illness, I'm disease-free, germ free, I have my health, I don't really tend to be a worrier... And I find life very challenging.  Add, and then compound any of those issues listed above in any combination you see fit and everyday challenges become larger hurdles in everyday life.  I mean, yes, I bitch and moan about my job, but I do like it; it's a great job for me with lots of freedom and creative avenues to explore.  Haha, like I'm some type of stifled artist begging to let loose my creativity.  Hardly.  But it does allow me 90% of the time to be a creative problem-solver and I get to drive a lot, which is nice to be able to do.  Sometimes things get hairy and out of control but generally speaking, it's a good thing; it pays the bills and I don't hate it.

So after some vacation time in BC with my family, and I mean the whole fam-damly; parents, sisters, brothers-in-law and all 7 grand kids, I was finally able to re-group.  It's amazing what a week of true relaxation and unplugging can do for the human spirit.  We (the fam) had so many talks and visits and well, in theory, we've solved all the world's problems in conversation or another.  One of the conversations that took place was our natural happy place.  Mine is the mountains.  The smell of mountain air tinged with pine and wood and leaves; it is such a fresh, amazing smell to me.  The thin air allows me to breathe so deeply. Whether summer, fall, spring or winter, the mountains are my place where my spirit floats along the peaks, re-energizing itself.  Some get that same feeling from a beach or at the cottage or cabin.  Cabin or not, I just want my mountains and the smells and the crisp, fresh air.  Zen.  Right there.

And I got my zest for life back, a little, while I was away.  I've been making a mental bucket list, and when I check something off, I realize I am both embracing life and I'm sustaining my happiness.  Do you know how important that is?  I want to go white-water rafting again.  I want to climb a mountain again.  I want to take a course in massage therapy- maybe even get a certificate or something.  I want to study more about holistic healing, because I know there is more to feeling better than doctors and medicines.  I want to learn about the stars and astrology and palmistry.  I want to do yoga again, and maybe master that too.  I want to write and write and write.  I want my life to be fun.  I want people to remember me as someone who "embraced life and was happy".  That's it.

But what happens when you have loss, set-backs, inner-demons (I'm not making light of anything, but demons- like emotional scarring/baggage) , mental/physical heath issues, diseases- anything from the flu to addiction to cancer?  What happens when you take these issues and compound them with job stress and home-life stress, a sick kid at home or financial issues?  What if you're going through a break-up or divorce? What if your former spouse can't let go; or maybe you can't?  What if this affects your job performance and you find yourself in a heap of shit at work?  What if you lost your husband or wife, your kid got sick and you lost your job and now you're in a messy divorce and you hit the bottle?  Then what?  Is there a zest for life there?  How do you pull yourself out if you don't have a network of strength around you?  What if you're unhappy?  What if you decide this is life?  And it sucks.  Do you throw in the towel?  Where's the edge? Are you going to take the edge and walk it?  Can you be pulled back from the edge or can you pull yourself back?  Do you even want to?  And then you think, no, I would never kill myself; no that's not me....(but did you realize you have a self-destructive personality?  Then what?)

And hey, it sucks.  I'm no one of consequence, but I do know a bit about this; because I love the frickin' edge.  I've lived my whole life either on it or close to it.  Too close for comfort, in some cases, but nonetheless I do understand this.  I may not have walked the same path as that of someone else, but the edge, you see, is invisible.  It changes distance from person to person too.  Some stay far away and others seem like they're going to fall.... and they aren't even close to the edge yet.

"Grant that I do not judge my neighbor until I have walked a mile in his moccasins"  (Indian Prayer)

I don't know the truth behind the author of that... I know many a great elder and that sure sounds like it was written by a white man.  But the premise remains that no one should judge another.  The premise also remains that the importance of treating one another with kindness and dignity in all situations is crucial.

Humans were created in God's own image- take from that what you will; I'm not trying to preach.  Each of us is perfect in our own way and the act of kindness toward another human being is an act of our own higher selves.  Don't kid yourself for a second...we all can achieve the ability to be great in our own way.

Faith.  I have said it repeatedly; it is so important to have faith... in something; something good, something bigger than ourselves.
Trust.  Those we love should be able to put their trust in us.  We should treat their trust as a gift, not a requirement for a relationship.
Love.  The more you learn to give, the more you will get back.  The more love you surround yourself with the more strength you can get from inside you.
Acceptance. That we are all unique, special and worthy of love and kindness and dignity.
 
So don't give up.  Find your happy place and rejuvenate your spirit.  It means the world to your happy life. Let go of what you can.  Change what you must.  Deal with the rest.  Rely on a support system to guide you and let you lean on them and pump you up.  And have faith that life will work itself out.  Find love.  Nurture it and embrace it.  Life is always more fun when you can share it with someone you love.