Rants Are Sometimes Required For Sanity

I'm tired.

I'm frustrated.

I'm overwhelmed, to be honest.

In the last 9 months, I have had a major career change at my company and I welcomed it with open arms.  It came with great perks, and a huge workload but I welcomed the challenge.  The term, 'be careful what you wish for' is coming to mind.

Initially, I was swept off across North America for 8 weeks of intensive training.  My daughter was at home and needed to quit her job because I was unable to support her.  For the record,  McDonald's may be an excellent starting-the-workforce place to work, but a requirement of 1 midnight shift during a weekday for students is a bit much.  The requirement that she be picked up by a parent after 8 pm was too much to accommodate.  She asked for weekend hours (a cut in hours) in order to allow me to support her; it was refused.

Learning my new territory was daunting.  First of all, for some reason, the person who should be in the know of issues affecting said territory, is the last to find out.  The territory itself was huge!!  I mean, 12 hours driving end to end.  There were the problem spots everywhere; a circle, if you will, of constant babysitting. This was taking away from other pressing issues that were outside of the circle, but I slowly became able to prioritize things better.

I was being micro-managed and this was damaging a formerly good working relationship.

Then out of the blue, me and my counterparts were all reporting to one person out of Dallas, TX (head office) and this was a good thing.  But more changes.  Lots more.  Different expectations.  New learning curve. Within weeks of that, my 'Problem Circle' exploded and I was frantically attempting to resolve all of those issues and suddenly, my further-most east location decided to quit.  This takes me away from everything as I attempt to save a sinking ship.  I'm on vacation at the end of that week; I need a vacation and a NEED to solve my sinking ship before I go.  I can't.  It dissolves in front of my eyes.  Who has to clean up this mess???  Fortunately, I have an Ally in my back pocket and I am so grateful for both her experience and willingness to rescue me.

I returned from vacation to a full territory re-alignment.  This is welcome news.  But, new territory, new learning curve, new expectations... again.  (I am screaming inside!  Already there is so much going on in my old territory and now to take on a new one and learn all of it and WHEN WILL I LAND ON MY FRICKIN' FEET?????)  Now I have The Ally stuck in the Sinking-Ship location and unavailable to complete things in my old territory.  I have my northern counterpart on vacation for 3 weeks with no pow-wow on where things stand in her old territory, which has become part of my new territory.  I have a new Problem-Circle for which I have little details on and I still have the Old Problem-Circle.  I have a pissing match going on with The Ally, because she thinks I'm stepping on her toes (well if you are unavailable, who do you think Problem-Circle is going to call?  And FYI, Problem-Circle was hers to start with, so... just sayin'!) Just add to that the plethora of expectations from Dallas to 'finish what I started' in old territory without stepping on The Ally's toes and to immediately move steadfast into position in new territory of which I know very little, but really, I am essentially running the whole gad-dam province (over 150 locations) since vacations and Sinking Ships also need to be accommodated.  I just had vacation.  I'm exhausted!  I missed a conference call yesterday because the call-in info was incorrect plus I was battling with cell coverage.  Man, did I catch shit for that one.  Man, I'm tired of being in shit!  I'm tired of making these excuses!  Screaming, I tell you, SCREAMING for the ability to land on my feet!!  I don't want to fail!!  Am I being fair in my rant?

So I sit back and breathe.  One can only do so much.  I am only one person.  Breathe Jules... breathe deep, slow and easy.  Faaaaccccckkkk!!!!!!!

Rant done.  Resume peace.  

Change: The Only Constant

I literally just had a mini-epiphany!  

Who Moved My Cheese, By Spencer Johnson MD; it's a book that came up this weekend in the gee-rage whilst at T.'s house.  His mom was reading another book by the author and mentioned he'd also written Who Moved My Cheese.  T. laughed at the title...and I thought everyone had heard of that book.  He thought she was trying to be funny.  So I gave him a brief synopsis and tried to shake the image of my old boss out of my head.  She loved that book and encouraged us all to identify with it.  And I was thinking again about it just now, when I realized, for someone who loves to speak about change, she was very adverse about it, in hindsight!  I remember every meeting and every conference call and there was always something "inspirational" on the agenda about change.  And yet, when I look back at what I knew of her, change was a hard thing for her to deal with. She lived in the same house in the same town and drove the same car as she had for many years.  She had the same job.  She had the same role through much of her career and under her she had the same staff.  So, tell me again why we need to all be flexible and be able to move with change....?

On the other hand, it's me that she hired.  She used to love to critique my inexperience in management and tell me I had a lot of growing to do and I had to lead change.  I think she used to put that on me, because either she didn't know how, or she was afraid.  I would speak up with new ideas and she would shut them down and tell me why they wouldn't work.  I argued with her because she always said moving with change, for me was a weak point.

Let me tell you my friends; the only constant in our lives is change.  I have moved homes 16 times in my 30-some years.  I have changed towns 9 times of those 16 moves where I also had to change my entire circle of friends.  I have had many jobs throughout my life, always seeking out a better life.  Twice I was canned.  Mostly I moved up and forward and changed everything.  I've been skinny and overweight and normal and healthy and not healthy and I've quit smoking and I've started smoking and quit for years only to go back again.  I've had numerous failed relationships and now hopefully a success.  I've been at rock bottom and I've also been happy.  And sad.  And scared.  And fearless.  I've been routine and I fly by the seat of my pants.  If I could go back to my old boss who preached change like it was going out of style, I would stand and turn in front of her a say, "You don't know me, but this IS the face of change".  If she knew nothing of me at all, I do know she was wrong about one thing; I AM change.   

Friends, I thought of something that was an inspiring thought on change: 

Change is never easy.  Change can be scary.  Sometimes change seems like a bad thing.  But in all my experiences in change, looking back, never has it been a negative.  It may not seem like it at the time, but change is always a positive.  The only exception is usually the negative choices we may make to resist changes. The harder you fight against a losing battle, the more negative results you will get. 

So I patted myself on the back today.  Because leaving my last job was tough on me.  It was always the errors that she pointed out.  She would try to be positive and have a conversation, but in the end, she needed to listen more and talk less.  There was never conversation... There was always her side and I was always wrong.  Or inexperienced.  Or naive.  Or unable to move with change.  But when I look back and see that she was just as at fault, or maybe even moreso; I can hold my head up and think yes, it was time to move on.  Yes I learned some things.  But I can always walk away from anything and say, "it's time for change" and embrace it.

On Judgement

I posted a Facebook status today that may have come off as passive-aggressive... but that isn't at all the intent.  It went something like this:

Judge not lest ye be judged. Matthew 7:1

Do not compare yourself to others; you have no idea what their journey is about.  Anonymous

People in glass houses should not throw stones. Proverb

 Judgement is an ugly colour on anyone.  jmsteffler

The bottom line is...
No one should be allowed to judge another person on their choices, lifestyle or issues.  The simple fact is this: Learn to love, accept and trust.  I promise you, it's much more fulfilling than the above alternatives.

Just my two cents....

So why the seemingly p-a post?  Because.  Because I am tired of people passing judgement on others.  I see it every day whether it happens to someone else or if it happens to me.  This weekend it happened to hit way too close to home and it took every ounce of my being to not cross a line when I lashed back at the person.  I often don't engage in arguments, debates or disagreements while in a social setting.  I much prefer to chat superficially and avoid anything that may come across as confrontational.  I do this for a couple of reasons.  For one, alcohol (usually available and being consumed in said social settings) and arguments do not mix.  There is no such thing as tongue-holding and regardless the level of impairment, you cannot reason with anyone who has been drinking.  I have been in that situation more times than I wish to recant, so just- no.  You cannot reason with alcohol.  There is usually utter honesty, cruelty, misunderstandings, hurt feelings, raw emotion, compromised feelings, wrong tones, and things that just shouldn't be said.  Ever.  And once they're said, you can't ever take them back.  You can only apologize and hope to God the other person actually knows the term 'forgiveness'.  Forgiveness isn't something that a lot of people even know how to do, y'know...?

Apologies are one thing.  Accepting an apology is another thing.  Letting it go and forgiving someone for their actions and never thinking about it another moment once you've chosen to let it go....that's where forgiveness tends to be forgotten.  Listen, I'm not saying to not apologize if you fucked up.  I'm not saying you even have to accept an apology, or that you aren't allowed to be angry with someone for hurting you even after they've apologized.  Own your emotions.  They're yours.  On the plus side; once you've learned what forgiveness actually is, it really does get easier every time.  Just sayin'.

It's the pedestals of judgment that people stand on every day where they look themselves in the mirror and feel superior everyone because yesterday they donated to the food bank, or they're having a good hair day.  I have good days, I have bad days. We all do.  Some days we're the pigeon, some days we're the statue.  We're all the same.  So when did it become okay to throw the rocks?  When did it become okay to look someone in the eye and judge someone on hearsay?  When did fingers start pointing in random directions for no other reason but rumor-mill circumstance?  In the meantime, ahem, your skeletons (in the closet) are showing....

I'm not perfect.  I've been there, up on my own pedestal, guilty as charged.  But I have learned over the years that humanity is usually struggling with the same issues, on different levels and while circumstances may vary from person to person, we really are all the same.  Some of us deal with things better than others.  Some of us have mental health issues.  Some of us deal with addictions.  Some of us are more self-aware than others.  Some of us have shitty personalities.  Some of us are just unhappy.

I have grown.  I am no better than anyone, but this is knowledge worth sharing.
Love. (Because love makes everything better.  Love is like air: necessary.)
Peace. (It's so much easier to enjoy life when you are at peace with yourself and those around you.)
Forgiveness. (It's a cornerstone to happiness, peace and contentment.)
Understanding. (When you seek to understand, you will usually see that the surface is nothing like what lies beneath.)
Acceptance. (Accept what you can.  Change what you can not accept.  Accept that you cannot change everyone or anyone.  It's only on you.)
Empathy. (Put yourself in someone else's shoes for once.  A little of this goes a long way in humanity.  A long, long way.)
Trust. (Because the basis of any relationship is trust.)

Apply this to yourself and the world will change before your eyes.

Apply this to your relationship with your significant other and be patient.  Love, support, trust and acceptance are the 4 most important things I want in my own relationship.  Remove doubt, fixing him/her, resentment, jealousy or anger.  And if you can't remove those things, you have to ask yourself if you are where you're supposed to be.

Apply it to those in your friendship circle.  Watch the drama finally not follow you around.

Apply it to those around you at any given time... the person at the bus stop or in the office or the same person at the coffee shop every morning.  Smile at people...or just smile.  Let go of the pettiness and the power and the superiority.  Come back down to earth and be human.  You are, after all, human.