On Parenting

Being a parent is hard sometimes.  I would say in my own experience of having 2 kids, one of each, I think 85% of the time, it's a fairly easy job.  Both of my kids are normal.  Neither one has given me a ton of grief over the years.  My daughter and I actually like each other and she's 15 and a half.  My son and I could be closer, but I think we try at our relationship and are successful.  

On that note, I'm a lot more relaxed in the "rules" department than most parents.  I figure that my kids are teens and a certain amount of experimentation is going to happen so I usually have a couple of rules I lay out.  Be safe. (And of course I tell them how to take measures to be safe.)  Have fun.  Stay in control.  Call me if you get in over your head.  Sometimes I will prefer that their parties happen at my house but I need to be there.  No fighting.  No drama.  No one in the bedrooms.  Use the butt-can.  I don't "boot" for my kids' friends.  I don't provide supplies for "recreational experiments".

I don't ground my kids either.  Since when does that work?  All it does is make my life miserable having to babysit and put up with the stink-fest that goes along with grounding.  And I don't take cell phones away because then I REALLY can't reach you when I'm trying to stalk you!

Discipline is required though.  I find a kid will learn more from penance-style punishment rather than grounding.  I mean, if they get me upset enough, I will lecture.  I know they tune it out but I'm mad!  I need to vent!  They need to know that what they did was wrong, irresponsible, unacceptable for reasons x, y and z, or that they worried the crap out of me!  Then I let them go.  I may tell them to go to their room and hijack their phone then for a couple of hours.  Then we talk again.  Why?  Because we're both calm, I don't yell and we both get to plead our cases.  I'm usually right.  I'm the mom.  Then I assign their punishment.  Which they hate.  But I'm allowed to be as picky as I want, and as a result, I get some great detailing done on my car or a stellar mow-job on the grass or no laundry for a week.

I will say, I did ground my daughter once.  I described what I was doing as "grounding you indefinitely".  It really allowed me to be creative.  See, she was getting into some trouble, got herself suspended from school for a really dumb reason, like she should have known WAY better than to do what she did.  I was sick and tired of her antics that had been popping up.  I decided when she could make a smart decision she'd be allowed out.  My grounds for release were as follows:

1- I approve what you're doing

2- I approve how long and what time you come home

3- I approve of the people you're doing it with

4- I trust that you're being honest with me and not feeding me a bullshit story.

5- I or another parent is allowed to drive you and pick you up

6- I can kibosh your release upon my lack of approval for any of these reasons

7- This will continue for such time as I see fit; it is your responsibility to make smarter decisions.  Max length of punishment, 6 months.  Probationary period may be required.

I guess these seem like simple, everyday rules. But you can't pick your kids' friends.  I don't think that's fair to them.  So, the deal was that she had a "safe list".  I told her who was a positive influence in her life, who was a negative influence, who she could see without having parents home and who she was not to hang out with without parental supervision.  In some cases, the only time she was able to hang out with some of them was only at our home.  She was allowed to have almost no restrictions with the safe list, but her rope got shorter as she made the decisions to hang out with the other kids and she didn't like that.  To her credit though, she never once was dishonest about anything, so it worked.  I cut both my kids a lot of slack, but pull back hard when they get out of line.  I can't make them do anything at this age.  I can only guide them, advise them and hope they make the right decisions that will shape their future.

Every now and again though, life throws you a curve ball and you have to deal with the worst of the worst. For example, getting suspended (this is bad in my books, folks; really bad), pregnancy scares (haven't had one of these yet, thank gawd!) bad relationships, drug/alcohol issues, police rides home, depression... Yes, depression.  Suicide.  No self-esteem.  Anxiety.  Self-loathing.  I watched my son go through this this past spring.  I arrived home from a vacation to find out he wanted to be hospitalized; he'd wanted to take his own life.  He spent 3 days in an emergency room psych ward with plastic walls and padded furniture, no mattress,  no shoes...he sat quietly while he waited for a bed to open in the Young Adult Program for mental health, doing word searches and crosswords and saying he was fine, but was happy to get into the program finally.  I stayed there with him and so did his dad.  We took shifts.  It was a scary place.  It had weird lighting.  It was cold.  It made me mental just being in there.  It was mostly quiet; almost sound proof.  I watched for 3 days, while my son maintained some sort of sanity, but couldn't be alone because he was a harm to himself, while across the hall, the guy in there had fights with "The Spirit People" who were in his walls and I quote, "You think I'm crazy, look at the walls!  Can't you see they're looking right at us!" and then he proceeded to wrestle them and yell at them and throw his padded furniture around.  And believing every moment of it.  It was a horrible experience.  He was admitted into the program, finally, and spent 5 weeks in hospital.  I visited.  Our family did counselling.  He was undergoing psych testing, having meds adjusted...how could my son feel like life was so hopeless?  Why couldn't he hear me tell him I love him?  Why would it seem easier to end it all than to just push through to the next phase?  Because I promise you, it always gets better.  

Seeing your kid, your baby, in the hospital gown in the mental health ward is not something I ever wish on anyone.  Even now, it's really hard to talk about it.  I'm just so glad he had the courage to come to us first.

If you, or anyone you know has had suicidal thoughts or has the desire to harm themselves, please know:

Suicide is preventable.  You are not alone.  It will get better.  

I want to post contacts to a suicide prevention line, but that is very subjective to where you are in the world, reading this.  In Canada, Kids Help Phone 1-800-668-6868 can always listen, help, support or be a reference to any numbers you might need.