I'm adopted.
I am not blood-related to any of my family, relatives or otherwise. It was a closed adoption. It is now an inter-provincial closed adoption. It does give me some dimension of anomaly. Some people who are adopted go through their whole life and don't seem to care either way. I have never been able to avoid thinking about it.
There is so much to think about on this for me, I will probably create multiple posts on it. It is part of me. It is often why I question things about myself.
I need to start by saying that the family I was blessed with is my family. I have a mom, a dad and two sisters. Having been told they would never have kids, my parents went onto an adoption waiting list for a baby. I showed up. I was 9 months old. Soon after the start of our family, my mom found out she was pregnant much to both my parents' surprise. My sister and I are exactly 2 years apart. A week before Christmas and 2 days difference. A few years later, my parents decided we weren't quite a complete family, and my youngest sister joined us via adoption as well. None of my sisters look like me. We barely resemble our parents. My middle sister does, obviously. We don't seem to have any shared traits among us... aside from strength, and more specifically, inner strength. But we are a family. We were always treated equally and fairly (that question always comes up) and consistently. There were no favorites. We were not different. We were never singled out as anything other than sisters and a family. But we are 3 very different people and yet, we're one of the closest families I know.
Still... I'm adopted. I can't look at my hands and see whose fingers I have or why I am proned to puffiness and weight fluctuations. I don't know why I am as blind as I am and need glasses or contacts to see. I can't pinpoint the fact that I had thyroid issues on my genealogy. Because I don't know the answers to that. When I gave birth to my son, he looked nothing like me. He was ALL his father's side. Did he have any physical or DNA trait that he received from me? I remember bathing him and changing his diaper and examining him for proof he was mine. So, the fact that I'm adopted has always been in the back of my mind. How could it not be?
I used to wonder what life would have been like, staying with a teen mom. I had friends growing up who had young moms. Often they had step-dads, or no dads. Often their moms seemed to be very strict, like "I know what you're doing but I'll be damned if you're going to make my same mistakes" and then they wouldn't be able to date until they were like, 21 and going to a supervised, mixed-gender party in eighth grade was NEVER going to happen.
I used to dream, when I got myself in shit as a teenager, that life would be so different with "her". It would be light and fluffy and fun. Not at all like the teen moms my friends had. It could never be bad or hard or stressful (because, like any daydreamer, the grass is always greener, duh!) My bio-dad was never really in the cards... I could take him or leave him. But not knowing about my bio-mom used to consume me. I am not even kidding when I use the word consume. It was all day, everyday. I used to write her letters in case I ever found her (that will need to be another post, because it's a loaded topic). I lied about my age to search agencies. I wrote letters and called The Children's Aid Society in Kitchener-Waterloo and did searches for my case worker. I would look for loopholes in searching to try and get around the inter-provincial or age thing. I considered hiring a private investigator and not having a job, I would dream up ways to pay him/her. I considered becoming a private investigator. I searched libraries and archives and papers and records of any kind to find some type of evidence that might give me something to go on. I looked for birth notices in every paper and even moved my birth date within 24 months to see if ANYTHING came up. I even went to a psychic. And this was all before the internet. Ha, let me tell you, I have exhausted every avenue online too, for shits and giggles.
No, I do not want to find my bio-mom. Which seems hard to believe, having just read that last paragraph. And okay, let me be true here for a moment. I don't WANT to find her, actively. I would love to be found... or, more specifically, I would like to know that she wanted to know about me. Better still, I would love to be the butterfly on the wall (an earlier post of mine referenced that, and I dig it more than 'the fly on the wall'). I would love to see her, in an everyday setting. I would love to watch her grocery shop or I don't know, wait at the doctor's office or having coffee with a friend. I would love to watch and observe her mannerisms or listen to how she pronounces something; how she pushes her hair out of her face or watch her walk away or just see what kind of shoes she's wearing. I wouldn't want her to know that I'm there. I wouldn't want to have a conversation with her or identify myself. I don't want to be obligated to have a relationship with her. I might not even care if I have siblings or not. It may sound very stalker-esque, but not if you're a butterfly.
It all comes down to the fact that I love my family. I love my mom and my dad and my two sisters. They made me who I am and I like who I turned out to be. In every sense of the words, they are my mom, my dad and my sisters. In every sense of extended family, we are fully part of those families as well. My youngest sister and I are the only two in my mom's huge, extended family who are adopted but really, you'd never know it. Not to see us together.
It took me many years to be fully accepting of that. It took tears, counselling, fights and denial and facing emotions head-on. It took a lot of stupid mistakes; it took a lot of healing; it took a hell of a lot of faith and forgiveness. It wasn't like I one day just discovered I was adopted. No, I knew from the day I went home with my family and all my life that "I was their special little adopted daughter whose mom wanted me to have a better life than she could offer me".
So the questions will remain unanswered, as far as I can predict. I have stopped looking within the last few years. What if I found her? What if I had a sibling find me, or even a grandparent? What if my bio-dad found me...? I don't know what I would do. It changes from day to day, but I have stopped actively looking. I mean, the thought crosses my mind that if I can't find her, she probably is either dead or doesn't want to be found. Does she ever think of me? I wonder what my birth date does to her. Who actually gives up a baby and isn't even remotely curious about how they turned out? Does she wonder if she made the right decision? Who knows... maybe she died with me as her secret...
It's hard to not get all worked up about it, even now. I cannot fathom the strength of character that it would take especially in this day and age, to NOT search for me; I'm out there. I'm searchable. I can be found. She can Google my birth date if she really wanted to and find me on an online registry, and not even just one! She probably has more to go on than me, so why doesn't she try anything... contact... anything? I have been of age for so long and I have been registered for years...how can she not question every day if she made the right decision; how? Maybe she's afraid. Maybe she thinks I'm angry. I might still have some pent up anger that I might lash out onto her. I like to think I don't and I wouldn't, but there are too many questions. If she ignored my feelings I can see how I would be angry. And so, why would she want to do that to herself? Why would I want to feel all of that brought to the surface again?
It was hard to let go of. It still is... I think about it every day. I think about the fact that I was adopted. I think about my bio-mom. I think about the family I was blessed with. I think how can you not want to know when it is SO easy these days. I think of my own kids. I think too much about it; I know I do. Even though I've dealt with a lot of it, I don't suppose I will ever resolve it; not fully. Ugh... I wish I could let it go completely. I wish it didn't bother me as much as it does.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Public Anonymity - An Oxymoron
How do you stay anonymous in an instant update kind of world? I haven't been on Facebook for weeks. Almost 2 months. Yes, I scroll through and find things of interest, but daily, I'm finding that to be a more impossible task. It's all, "How many likes for this utterly deformed child who doesn't think they're beautiful" or "1 Like=1 Prayer for all the dolphins being tortured" or "Elephant and kitten are BFF's, like if you agree" or my favorite "If you skip 'this post' you have no heart, 98% of my friends have no heart".
I miss cool pictures of people. I miss random status updates. I miss seeing what goes on with my friends and relatives that live far away and updates on their lives. I like to see the odd "inspirational quote" by Eleanor Roosevelt, but it probably came from Anne of Green Gables. I like how the Dalai Lama quotes things just like Will Smith. I like a good debate. I like commenting that I'm thinking of someone on their wall and that I miss them. I like updates from some of my favorite retailers and bands.
I dislike comments on every action a person has. "Julie is at Chinook Mall". "Julie is in a relationship" "Julie is single" "Julie stopped caring about shit" (Insert conversation and comments threads here). I LOVE the like button, but I wish they had a dislike button! I dislike public conversations and bullying and passive-aggressive comments and attention-getter-drama-starters. I remember back when FB first started how people were leery of being TOO open so a status update might look more like "Going out with friends tonight" rather than "Got a Brazilian done and condoms in the purse, gonna be a hot-mess tomorrow!" Really though, I could go on an on about dislikes; Google "status update pet peeves"; the list is endless.
So is there any way to stay out of the comments thing and still post your life without a barrage of trollers and live commentators on every action? Because I'll tell you what, the "unfriending" is a major insult, once the person realizes they're gone. The "Block" is even worse. The settings change as fast as underwear so regardless of what your settings are, you know they're getting all changed up in a week. And it's time consuming when changing those setting is person or picture specific and you're dealing in the hundreds of people. Too bad we can't pop up a "page under construction" banner and hide everything until our major surgery is completed. #thirdworldproblems, right? I know! I don't want to close the account because I do have family and friends across the country that I can see how fast their kids are growing and how so & so is having her first baby and I can't share it live with them or how this person got married on the other side of the country and I couldn't make it but I saw pictures. I feel bad unfriending and blocking because I added them and it seemed like a good idea at the time and it's taken so personally. It sucks.
I've always said I'd love to be a fly on the wall.... okay, maybe a butterfly; they're prettier and less diseased. I'm there. I see. I experience. Once in a while I'll settle onto the centerpiece and make myself known. I'll let you into my life sometimes if you don't bug me constantly. I'll share my ups and try not to share my downs too dramatically. I'll make you smile or make you think or post on your wall that I miss you, sending you a hug. I'll comment on a great picture, but we can chat in my inbox. I'll probably miss your birthday; I always miss birthdays. So Happy Birthday.
Here is my public pledge:
I promise to post enough to keep you abreast on what is going on with me. I promise to make you laugh, share insights and pictures of me and my family and my life. I promise my page is me and not a multiple of me by me or anyone else. Those who know me know how I am and those who think they do can leave if they find me offensive. I promise my private life has nothing to do with my work life, and I would rather not engage in work conversation on my private page or my inbox. I promise to let you know when I've stopped by to say hello. I promise we will talk...in my inbox or yours.
I promise I will never post chain letters/pictures, *force my causes (see footnote) on you or "share" every post I come across. I will not post where I am, every time I am somewhere even if it's the bathroom at the Saddledome which makes you so envious you can taste it because I'm at that wicked concert you wish you were at. I will not judge you or your fall-down drunk pics or your drunk status updates. I may judge you on your illegal behavior, illicit posts about how much of a slut you are, where to buy weed or multiple weed-smoking pics, bottle-ballin' and bags of green at 14 years old. So may your future employers. Or your family. Or the cops. And for the love of- young men and women (like teen-young) should be so much more cautious of those naked pics you post! Get a grip, get a life, get some clothes on!
*By forcing my causes, one should assume multiple posts and news feed clogging. Amendment includes the right to post "raising money for _______ please support me" or "like if you support _______" but I will never post something that assumes that a lack of "likes" insists on a lack of heart, belief or opinion. I will never rally for a cause and make claim that you have less compassion for not supporting my cause.
Maybe I'll join the dark side of FB again and start posting my stuff. I do miss my friends and my family. I miss commenting on a cute or stunning pic of your kids or family. I miss seeing where you were at on your last vacation. I miss random comments from my friends on some of my activity. For the dish on life as I see it, the rest of that will be posted on here, going forward. I will always link it from my page but you can comment or not, read or ignore... it's just there, as I am; the butterfly on the wall.
I miss cool pictures of people. I miss random status updates. I miss seeing what goes on with my friends and relatives that live far away and updates on their lives. I like to see the odd "inspirational quote" by Eleanor Roosevelt, but it probably came from Anne of Green Gables. I like how the Dalai Lama quotes things just like Will Smith. I like a good debate. I like commenting that I'm thinking of someone on their wall and that I miss them. I like updates from some of my favorite retailers and bands.
I dislike comments on every action a person has. "Julie is at Chinook Mall". "Julie is in a relationship" "Julie is single" "Julie stopped caring about shit" (Insert conversation and comments threads here). I LOVE the like button, but I wish they had a dislike button! I dislike public conversations and bullying and passive-aggressive comments and attention-getter-drama-starters. I remember back when FB first started how people were leery of being TOO open so a status update might look more like "Going out with friends tonight" rather than "Got a Brazilian done and condoms in the purse, gonna be a hot-mess tomorrow!" Really though, I could go on an on about dislikes; Google "status update pet peeves"; the list is endless.
So is there any way to stay out of the comments thing and still post your life without a barrage of trollers and live commentators on every action? Because I'll tell you what, the "unfriending" is a major insult, once the person realizes they're gone. The "Block" is even worse. The settings change as fast as underwear so regardless of what your settings are, you know they're getting all changed up in a week. And it's time consuming when changing those setting is person or picture specific and you're dealing in the hundreds of people. Too bad we can't pop up a "page under construction" banner and hide everything until our major surgery is completed. #thirdworldproblems, right? I know! I don't want to close the account because I do have family and friends across the country that I can see how fast their kids are growing and how so & so is having her first baby and I can't share it live with them or how this person got married on the other side of the country and I couldn't make it but I saw pictures. I feel bad unfriending and blocking because I added them and it seemed like a good idea at the time and it's taken so personally. It sucks.
I've always said I'd love to be a fly on the wall.... okay, maybe a butterfly; they're prettier and less diseased. I'm there. I see. I experience. Once in a while I'll settle onto the centerpiece and make myself known. I'll let you into my life sometimes if you don't bug me constantly. I'll share my ups and try not to share my downs too dramatically. I'll make you smile or make you think or post on your wall that I miss you, sending you a hug. I'll comment on a great picture, but we can chat in my inbox. I'll probably miss your birthday; I always miss birthdays. So Happy Birthday.
Here is my public pledge:
I promise to post enough to keep you abreast on what is going on with me. I promise to make you laugh, share insights and pictures of me and my family and my life. I promise my page is me and not a multiple of me by me or anyone else. Those who know me know how I am and those who think they do can leave if they find me offensive. I promise my private life has nothing to do with my work life, and I would rather not engage in work conversation on my private page or my inbox. I promise to let you know when I've stopped by to say hello. I promise we will talk...in my inbox or yours.
I promise I will never post chain letters/pictures, *force my causes (see footnote) on you or "share" every post I come across. I will not post where I am, every time I am somewhere even if it's the bathroom at the Saddledome which makes you so envious you can taste it because I'm at that wicked concert you wish you were at. I will not judge you or your fall-down drunk pics or your drunk status updates. I may judge you on your illegal behavior, illicit posts about how much of a slut you are, where to buy weed or multiple weed-smoking pics, bottle-ballin' and bags of green at 14 years old. So may your future employers. Or your family. Or the cops. And for the love of- young men and women (like teen-young) should be so much more cautious of those naked pics you post! Get a grip, get a life, get some clothes on!
*By forcing my causes, one should assume multiple posts and news feed clogging. Amendment includes the right to post "raising money for _______ please support me" or "like if you support _______" but I will never post something that assumes that a lack of "likes" insists on a lack of heart, belief or opinion. I will never rally for a cause and make claim that you have less compassion for not supporting my cause.
Maybe I'll join the dark side of FB again and start posting my stuff. I do miss my friends and my family. I miss commenting on a cute or stunning pic of your kids or family. I miss seeing where you were at on your last vacation. I miss random comments from my friends on some of my activity. For the dish on life as I see it, the rest of that will be posted on here, going forward. I will always link it from my page but you can comment or not, read or ignore... it's just there, as I am; the butterfly on the wall.
Monday, June 10, 2013
On Parenting
Being a parent is hard sometimes. I would say in my own experience of having 2 kids, one of each, I think 85% of the time, it's a fairly easy job. Both of my kids are normal. Neither one has given me a ton of grief over the years. My daughter and I actually like each other and she's 15 and a half. My son and I could be closer, but I think we try at our relationship and are successful.
On that note, I'm a lot more relaxed in the "rules" department than most parents. I figure that my kids are teens and a certain amount of experimentation is going to happen so I usually have a couple of rules I lay out. Be safe. (And of course I tell them how to take measures to be safe.) Have fun. Stay in control. Call me if you get in over your head. Sometimes I will prefer that their parties happen at my house but I need to be there. No fighting. No drama. No one in the bedrooms. Use the butt-can. I don't "boot" for my kids' friends. I don't provide supplies for "recreational experiments".
I don't ground my kids either. Since when does that work? All it does is make my life miserable having to babysit and put up with the stink-fest that goes along with grounding. And I don't take cell phones away because then I REALLY can't reach you when I'm trying to stalk you!
Discipline is required though. I find a kid will learn more from penance-style punishment rather than grounding. I mean, if they get me upset enough, I will lecture. I know they tune it out but I'm mad! I need to vent! They need to know that what they did was wrong, irresponsible, unacceptable for reasons x, y and z, or that they worried the crap out of me! Then I let them go. I may tell them to go to their room and hijack their phone then for a couple of hours. Then we talk again. Why? Because we're both calm, I don't yell and we both get to plead our cases. I'm usually right. I'm the mom. Then I assign their punishment. Which they hate. But I'm allowed to be as picky as I want, and as a result, I get some great detailing done on my car or a stellar mow-job on the grass or no laundry for a week.
I will say, I did ground my daughter once. I described what I was doing as "grounding you indefinitely". It really allowed me to be creative. See, she was getting into some trouble, got herself suspended from school for a really dumb reason, like she should have known WAY better than to do what she did. I was sick and tired of her antics that had been popping up. I decided when she could make a smart decision she'd be allowed out. My grounds for release were as follows:
1- I approve what you're doing
2- I approve how long and what time you come home
3- I approve of the people you're doing it with
4- I trust that you're being honest with me and not feeding me a bullshit story.
5- I or another parent is allowed to drive you and pick you up
6- I can kibosh your release upon my lack of approval for any of these reasons
7- This will continue for such time as I see fit; it is your responsibility to make smarter decisions. Max length of punishment, 6 months. Probationary period may be required.
I guess these seem like simple, everyday rules. But you can't pick your kids' friends. I don't think that's fair to them. So, the deal was that she had a "safe list". I told her who was a positive influence in her life, who was a negative influence, who she could see without having parents home and who she was not to hang out with without parental supervision. In some cases, the only time she was able to hang out with some of them was only at our home. She was allowed to have almost no restrictions with the safe list, but her rope got shorter as she made the decisions to hang out with the other kids and she didn't like that. To her credit though, she never once was dishonest about anything, so it worked. I cut both my kids a lot of slack, but pull back hard when they get out of line. I can't make them do anything at this age. I can only guide them, advise them and hope they make the right decisions that will shape their future.
Every now and again though, life throws you a curve ball and you have to deal with the worst of the worst. For example, getting suspended (this is bad in my books, folks; really bad), pregnancy scares (haven't had one of these yet, thank gawd!) bad relationships, drug/alcohol issues, police rides home, depression... Yes, depression. Suicide. No self-esteem. Anxiety. Self-loathing. I watched my son go through this this past spring. I arrived home from a vacation to find out he wanted to be hospitalized; he'd wanted to take his own life. He spent 3 days in an emergency room psych ward with plastic walls and padded furniture, no mattress, no shoes...he sat quietly while he waited for a bed to open in the Young Adult Program for mental health, doing word searches and crosswords and saying he was fine, but was happy to get into the program finally. I stayed there with him and so did his dad. We took shifts. It was a scary place. It had weird lighting. It was cold. It made me mental just being in there. It was mostly quiet; almost sound proof. I watched for 3 days, while my son maintained some sort of sanity, but couldn't be alone because he was a harm to himself, while across the hall, the guy in there had fights with "The Spirit People" who were in his walls and I quote, "You think I'm crazy, look at the walls! Can't you see they're looking right at us!" and then he proceeded to wrestle them and yell at them and throw his padded furniture around. And believing every moment of it. It was a horrible experience. He was admitted into the program, finally, and spent 5 weeks in hospital. I visited. Our family did counselling. He was undergoing psych testing, having meds adjusted...how could my son feel like life was so hopeless? Why couldn't he hear me tell him I love him? Why would it seem easier to end it all than to just push through to the next phase? Because I promise you, it always gets better.
Seeing your kid, your baby, in the hospital gown in the mental health ward is not something I ever wish on anyone. Even now, it's really hard to talk about it. I'm just so glad he had the courage to come to us first.
If you, or anyone you know has had suicidal thoughts or has the desire to harm themselves, please know:
Suicide is preventable. You are not alone. It will get better.
I want to post contacts to a suicide prevention line, but that is very subjective to where you are in the world, reading this. In Canada, Kids Help Phone 1-800-668-6868 can always listen, help, support or be a reference to any numbers you might need.
On Spotting a Scheme, Or a Scam- Depends On Your School of Thought
It has been so long since I've written! My job has been keeping me far too busy for me to entertain my hobbies.
I wanted to write about something that was on my mind...Pyramid Schemes. Years ago, I'd split up with my ex and found myself in a precarious spot, having to come up with a damage deposit and modest accommodations for myself and my 2 small children. Armed with fear of the unknown, out of the blue (and I gotta say, looking back, the timing was uncanny) I was contacted by an old friend I hadn't been in touch with for several years. She said she had a business opportunity for me and how would I like to meet up with her for coffee that evening. I will never look a gift horse in the mouth, and it had been ages since we'd visited. I was in a place where I could use a friend.
She picked me up that evening and asked if I minded going to a meeting with her before we had coffee; it would give me a chance to see what this opportunity was all about. I immediately felt a red flag go up. When she pulled into a hotel parking lot, another alarm bell went off in my head. I knew this was going to be bullshit. Kids: If you ever hear of something amazing going on at a hotel... I promise you 100% of the time, it's bullshit. My mom told me years ago when they would have "leather blowouts" located in hotels, that maybe 5 products will be "as low as 99$" and the rest will be overpriced and under quality. Even today, I hear about that Rich Dad seminar which is ALWAYS limited seating, at some sleazy hotel and they'll tell you how to make money fast... sure, they'll brag about it for 2 solid hours and get you pumped but will tell you nothing. No, you'll have to spend 3500$ on their "how to make it in an uncertain economy" package. Just trust me, anything in a hotel aside from something directly related to your job, a wedding or a vacation or work trip is bullshit. I digress... So I'm swept into this room, and it's all top secret stuff; no one says anything until the bragging is over. The music is pumping and my girl friend is dressed to the nines (dress-for-success! This all seems very legit to her) and the speeches start. It's such crap! It's called Treasure Traders and you get real emerald gems (which I believe are probably glass chunks of no value at all) and you get to move up by signing people up and you become "captain" of your "shit"- I mean "ship"!! (I actually had a Freudian slip there! Haha!) The concept is so juvenile to me. Really? Jewels and gems and pirates and captains and ships? For real? Are we 6 years old? Everyone who speaks is very well dressed and seem well spoken. We hear success stories and sob stories and stories of rags to riches. The whole time, I KNOW this is bullshit; what's wrong with my girl friend... She's a smart woman! She's educated. She's intelligent. She's... what the hell, man? She's eating this shit up! I keep looking over at her with a look of full disbelief. I even leaned over and scoffed "This seems awfully childish; pirate ships; seriously??" She told me, "Keep an open mind." Is she seriously believing this crap? And what's worse, she thinks it's a great opportunity!!
Finally, they disclose the signup fees. 1800$?????? Are you f*cking kidding me!! THIS IS WHAT SHE BROUGHT ME HERE TO DO???? I looked at her and politely told her, "I need to move out; where in the hell am I supposed to get 1800$??" But what's even worse, is she thinks I've actually bought into this crap and offers to PAY for my package. All I have to do is recruit. (I have to ask someone to pay me 1800$ to come on my ship so I can be a captain, hell no! This isn't kindergarten; I'm positive anyone I approached would outright ridicule my utter stupidity!) Ummmm, no... and THEN she states that I shouldn't worry about a thing, because she already has half of the recruits waiting, so all I have to do is find another 4.. or something like that. Then I'll collect the 16000$ I am supposed to when I'm captain and I can pay her back for the sign up when our "ship" is full. 16000$, I shit you not! No further strings. (And this would be her 4th ship...she'd already made some coin off this,) She's pushing me now. And I like her and I respect her and she's not an idiot... really, what do I have to lose then? I still feel like this is totally crap, but I have nothing to lose and about 14000$ to gain. Am I completely stupid? Did I miss something legit in this absolutely juvenile ponzi marketing bullshit speech? So I allow her to sign me up with her money. We leave, we have coffee, she pumps up "the program" some more and she let's me sob that my life has fallen apart. She promises me we'll get rich and I won't have to worry any longer. We didn't speak again after that night.
I still look back and remember her saying, "I wanted to go back to work and I didn't want to have to go back for 30k/year. I figured it would only be worth my while if I could make as much as my husband." I don't know what he did, exactly, but I know he made pretty good coin; probably close to 80k/ year, plus company vehicle. I remember her telling me once that she was a teacher. When we met, in the late 90's, I don't know what a teacher salary was, but I'm going to guess less than 40k/year. And she had been out of the work force for many years having stayed home with her children. She had a point, but still it baffled me. She liked money and she enjoyed her husband's money frivolously, but to be pulled into something like that? She was also about one of the toughest in strength and character of any woman I'd known at that time in my life. She didn't take any crap from anyone, she was opinionated, she was a rock...so I was completely bewildered by her passion for this. I was naive, in my twenties, vulnerable and broke... and still, I saw right through this. I remember her telling me that evening that she was going to make so much money that she was signing up for a business license with the City of Calgary to make this a legit home-based business. I wonder whatever became of her. How much did she lose in that scheme? Because a few years later I'd read about how it had been shut down and was under investigation for fraud. I read some of the whistle-blower reports, and attack stories after people had lost thousands. I'd felt bad. I avoided her calls after that. I had cost her 1800$ by having her foot this for me. I was a terrible friend. (This is what I was thinking!) I look back now and think, I could have been the idiot! I could have pushed my FRIENDS into this. I didn't once ask her to do this for me. I didn't once believe that anything would ever come from it! I never had any intention of finding the other four people. Let her fill her own ship! Somehow I had enough wits about me that I saw the ship sink before I went aboard.
Oh they're out there. Shady and legit pyramids; each of them promising rags-to-riches and freedom and success. But only if you get your "friends" under you. I still get approached for "business opportunities" and they all have red flags and they're all the same. Qwixstar/ Amway people will tell you "we should meet for a coffee and discuss" but disclose nothing. "It's a good deal, I promise, I'll fill you in when we talk"; which usually ends up with a spiel without full disclosure until you commit. It's just, they can't tell you until you commit; it's very confidential. (Gad, who ARE the people who fall for this!?) Or there's the hotel "meetings". Again, never any details, but if it's held in a hotel, you KNOW it's crap. It's always the ones you think have their head screwed on, and you trust them, so why wouldn't you find out how they're making cash? I've never had an idiot approach me for one of these scams. Never. You'd think an idiot asking you about a business opportunity would be a red flag, but no, it's the normal, smart, respectable, seemingly intelligent people who want to suck you in and yet, you already know it's bullshit. Sometimes, you have a conversation with a friend and you talk about how nice a fancy vacation would be, and a new wardrobe and no financial worries for you family, and a new car and play money and then they hit you, "I can tell you how". I'm kinda too nice, you know? I can never say no to a friend even though I understand before they even spiel me that this is going to be a waste of time. Well, no, that isn't entirely true. The LAST time I was hit up for something like this, I flat out said, "if it's a pyramid scheme, count me out. I don't do those and I don't want to waste your time." I went anyway. Because I was told, "no, that's not it at all." Why are all of these people so shady and tricky and why do I know better every single time?? And then I politely bow out, and I feel rotten that I've basically called them a liar. Or I get upset and insult them by saying "this scam will never get me, or you or anyone you know, rich. And I would appreciate you never contacting me again about this." So maybe I use the word "friend" loosely. I should maybe refer to them as acquaintances. I have severed many an acquaintance over these scams.
I may work for the man. I may not have full financial freedom. I may be stuck in the corporate rat-race, but I will always be able to say, I did it on my own. I made my own way. I collect a steady paycheque. I have benefits. I work hard. It's an honest living. So if you see me in your circle of "friends" and want to approach me about these things because you've found a great new opportunity, just know, you won't ever get rich. You will never be able to sell me on the idea. And I may sever our relationship.
I wanted to write about something that was on my mind...Pyramid Schemes. Years ago, I'd split up with my ex and found myself in a precarious spot, having to come up with a damage deposit and modest accommodations for myself and my 2 small children. Armed with fear of the unknown, out of the blue (and I gotta say, looking back, the timing was uncanny) I was contacted by an old friend I hadn't been in touch with for several years. She said she had a business opportunity for me and how would I like to meet up with her for coffee that evening. I will never look a gift horse in the mouth, and it had been ages since we'd visited. I was in a place where I could use a friend.
She picked me up that evening and asked if I minded going to a meeting with her before we had coffee; it would give me a chance to see what this opportunity was all about. I immediately felt a red flag go up. When she pulled into a hotel parking lot, another alarm bell went off in my head. I knew this was going to be bullshit. Kids: If you ever hear of something amazing going on at a hotel... I promise you 100% of the time, it's bullshit. My mom told me years ago when they would have "leather blowouts" located in hotels, that maybe 5 products will be "as low as 99$" and the rest will be overpriced and under quality. Even today, I hear about that Rich Dad seminar which is ALWAYS limited seating, at some sleazy hotel and they'll tell you how to make money fast... sure, they'll brag about it for 2 solid hours and get you pumped but will tell you nothing. No, you'll have to spend 3500$ on their "how to make it in an uncertain economy" package. Just trust me, anything in a hotel aside from something directly related to your job, a wedding or a vacation or work trip is bullshit. I digress... So I'm swept into this room, and it's all top secret stuff; no one says anything until the bragging is over. The music is pumping and my girl friend is dressed to the nines (dress-for-success! This all seems very legit to her) and the speeches start. It's such crap! It's called Treasure Traders and you get real emerald gems (which I believe are probably glass chunks of no value at all) and you get to move up by signing people up and you become "captain" of your "shit"- I mean "ship"!! (I actually had a Freudian slip there! Haha!) The concept is so juvenile to me. Really? Jewels and gems and pirates and captains and ships? For real? Are we 6 years old? Everyone who speaks is very well dressed and seem well spoken. We hear success stories and sob stories and stories of rags to riches. The whole time, I KNOW this is bullshit; what's wrong with my girl friend... She's a smart woman! She's educated. She's intelligent. She's... what the hell, man? She's eating this shit up! I keep looking over at her with a look of full disbelief. I even leaned over and scoffed "This seems awfully childish; pirate ships; seriously??" She told me, "Keep an open mind." Is she seriously believing this crap? And what's worse, she thinks it's a great opportunity!!
Finally, they disclose the signup fees. 1800$?????? Are you f*cking kidding me!! THIS IS WHAT SHE BROUGHT ME HERE TO DO???? I looked at her and politely told her, "I need to move out; where in the hell am I supposed to get 1800$??" But what's even worse, is she thinks I've actually bought into this crap and offers to PAY for my package. All I have to do is recruit. (I have to ask someone to pay me 1800$ to come on my ship so I can be a captain, hell no! This isn't kindergarten; I'm positive anyone I approached would outright ridicule my utter stupidity!) Ummmm, no... and THEN she states that I shouldn't worry about a thing, because she already has half of the recruits waiting, so all I have to do is find another 4.. or something like that. Then I'll collect the 16000$ I am supposed to when I'm captain and I can pay her back for the sign up when our "ship" is full. 16000$, I shit you not! No further strings. (And this would be her 4th ship...she'd already made some coin off this,) She's pushing me now. And I like her and I respect her and she's not an idiot... really, what do I have to lose then? I still feel like this is totally crap, but I have nothing to lose and about 14000$ to gain. Am I completely stupid? Did I miss something legit in this absolutely juvenile ponzi marketing bullshit speech? So I allow her to sign me up with her money. We leave, we have coffee, she pumps up "the program" some more and she let's me sob that my life has fallen apart. She promises me we'll get rich and I won't have to worry any longer. We didn't speak again after that night.
I still look back and remember her saying, "I wanted to go back to work and I didn't want to have to go back for 30k/year. I figured it would only be worth my while if I could make as much as my husband." I don't know what he did, exactly, but I know he made pretty good coin; probably close to 80k/ year, plus company vehicle. I remember her telling me once that she was a teacher. When we met, in the late 90's, I don't know what a teacher salary was, but I'm going to guess less than 40k/year. And she had been out of the work force for many years having stayed home with her children. She had a point, but still it baffled me. She liked money and she enjoyed her husband's money frivolously, but to be pulled into something like that? She was also about one of the toughest in strength and character of any woman I'd known at that time in my life. She didn't take any crap from anyone, she was opinionated, she was a rock...so I was completely bewildered by her passion for this. I was naive, in my twenties, vulnerable and broke... and still, I saw right through this. I remember her telling me that evening that she was going to make so much money that she was signing up for a business license with the City of Calgary to make this a legit home-based business. I wonder whatever became of her. How much did she lose in that scheme? Because a few years later I'd read about how it had been shut down and was under investigation for fraud. I read some of the whistle-blower reports, and attack stories after people had lost thousands. I'd felt bad. I avoided her calls after that. I had cost her 1800$ by having her foot this for me. I was a terrible friend. (This is what I was thinking!) I look back now and think, I could have been the idiot! I could have pushed my FRIENDS into this. I didn't once ask her to do this for me. I didn't once believe that anything would ever come from it! I never had any intention of finding the other four people. Let her fill her own ship! Somehow I had enough wits about me that I saw the ship sink before I went aboard.
Oh they're out there. Shady and legit pyramids; each of them promising rags-to-riches and freedom and success. But only if you get your "friends" under you. I still get approached for "business opportunities" and they all have red flags and they're all the same. Qwixstar/ Amway people will tell you "we should meet for a coffee and discuss" but disclose nothing. "It's a good deal, I promise, I'll fill you in when we talk"; which usually ends up with a spiel without full disclosure until you commit. It's just, they can't tell you until you commit; it's very confidential. (Gad, who ARE the people who fall for this!?) Or there's the hotel "meetings". Again, never any details, but if it's held in a hotel, you KNOW it's crap. It's always the ones you think have their head screwed on, and you trust them, so why wouldn't you find out how they're making cash? I've never had an idiot approach me for one of these scams. Never. You'd think an idiot asking you about a business opportunity would be a red flag, but no, it's the normal, smart, respectable, seemingly intelligent people who want to suck you in and yet, you already know it's bullshit. Sometimes, you have a conversation with a friend and you talk about how nice a fancy vacation would be, and a new wardrobe and no financial worries for you family, and a new car and play money and then they hit you, "I can tell you how". I'm kinda too nice, you know? I can never say no to a friend even though I understand before they even spiel me that this is going to be a waste of time. Well, no, that isn't entirely true. The LAST time I was hit up for something like this, I flat out said, "if it's a pyramid scheme, count me out. I don't do those and I don't want to waste your time." I went anyway. Because I was told, "no, that's not it at all." Why are all of these people so shady and tricky and why do I know better every single time?? And then I politely bow out, and I feel rotten that I've basically called them a liar. Or I get upset and insult them by saying "this scam will never get me, or you or anyone you know, rich. And I would appreciate you never contacting me again about this." So maybe I use the word "friend" loosely. I should maybe refer to them as acquaintances. I have severed many an acquaintance over these scams.
I may work for the man. I may not have full financial freedom. I may be stuck in the corporate rat-race, but I will always be able to say, I did it on my own. I made my own way. I collect a steady paycheque. I have benefits. I work hard. It's an honest living. So if you see me in your circle of "friends" and want to approach me about these things because you've found a great new opportunity, just know, you won't ever get rich. You will never be able to sell me on the idea. And I may sever our relationship.
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