Giving up? Or is it faith...?

This was taken from an entry in July 2011 from my Facebook blog.  I mentioned in an earlier entry that I returned from Mexico to lose my job.  It was tough.  It was 2 months of unemployment with additional rent expenses and a drained savings account... I was very scared, and yet I wasn't. I knew it would work out.  I mean, for one, I live in Alberta.  If I can't find a job, I am not trying hard enough.  The problem was that I needed enough to support this life I was trying to build.  I had plenty of interviews and a couple of offers... I was being offered 15k less than what I needed.  With raised rent, I simply couldn't take a job that only paid that!  The longest I have ever been without a job was 3 weeks.  And so chalk it up to inexperience or naivety or whatever you want, but I have never collected EI.  I know it's there... I know it's a cushion.  I have just never needed it and was fairly confident I'd be working in a matter of a few weeks; my severance would carry me. But it just wasn't the case.  So as the weeks went by, I was thinking that I must be going crazy, since I was still so optimistic and... I don't want to imply that I was care-free, but I'm not by nature, a worrier.  So I wasn't overly worried.  It's not like I was losing sleep and botching interviews and wondering where my next groceries would come from.  Until about 6 weeks in.  

Around that point, I was seriously cursing myself for leaving my ex to pursue this "single life" I so desperately needed.  I was cursing the fact that I had never attended university or college.  I was cursing myself that I thought I had the right to my two kids, because what kind of a parent re-signs a lease at a higher amount and gets laid off?  Who the hell budgets for this stuff?  Why is life so expensive?  God, WHY DON'T I HAVE A FUCKING JOB YET?  What am I doing wrong?  So much was running through my head.  I couldn't stop it.  I couldn't turn off the negativity and I wanted to scream if I had to make mac n' cheese just one more time.  So I wrote, to clear my thoughts.  It really is therapy for me... it's freeing and clarifying and makes everything silent.

Entry from July 2011

........................Inhale........................exhale..............................inhale...................................exhale............................

What else is left?  My inner peace is being rocked.  This is gonna be a long.... long night

...........................Inhale...................exhale...................inhale......................exhale..............................

It's in Your hands now.  Let it be.

............Inhale...............exhale.................inhale..................exhale...................repeat................all night long

Please God, let this pass.  Please God, give me strength.  Please God, please... please... please...help me get through this unscathed.  I just don't know what else I can do.  It's on You.  [Enter tearful, lying on bed episodes from 6 months ago... God make it stop, it's so freaking hard to take any more]

................Inhale.................exhale....................happy place...................inhale.................exhale............happy place.....

.................inhale........................exhale............................pink bubble surrounding me.............inhale.......................exhale..........................positive flow in, negative flow out.......................inhale.....................exhale...................tension releasing from forehead all the way down to the tips of  my fingers..................inhale.....................exhale.....................tension releasing from each and every muscle down to the tips of my toes................inhale................exhale....................I am good, I am strong, I am happy, I am at peace with my universe................inhale................exhale...................inhale................exhale...................visualizing positive outcome.................inhale..................exhale.......................wishing for tears to subside.................................

I read this, and I cry.  I remember that night.  That night, I learned about faith.  Listen, I grew up the daughter of missionaries.  Religion was on every tongue, in every breath and I was always immersed up to my eyeballs.  I don't really go to church.  I go on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter, but I do tire of the task of going to church.  When I was a bit younger, I decided I really didn't need to have God in my life, and so to be honest, I'm not really one for prayer either.  I've been told how to pray all my life, but it wasn't practiced, so I was never, in my opinion, good at it.  Often I would hear things from others, "listen to God's voice" and I wondered, "is it just me, or am I telling myself what I want to hear, cuz I'm not hearing the big, booming voice of God".  Or, the reflective prayer, the silence and being in touch with the simple things around you... ok I have ADD- THAT'S not happening.  I tried guided meditation, which worked but it didn't really feel like a spiritual thing to me.  I went back to basics that night.  I asked God to give me what I needed.  I do know that God works in mysterious ways so I should try leaving it to an expert.  I didn't know what I needed at that point.  I just wanted my peace back.  I wanted a job.  I wanted a certain income.  I wanted to be okay.  And I lay on my bed, on my back like a starfish, sobbing, begging God, begging The Universe, begging Buddha to please see me through this.  Some higher power out there had to be able to give me some strength to face the upcoming days.  I let it all go and surrendered.  What a weird and freeing concept.  I felt like I was out of control.  Someone else was driving.  All I needed to do was to keep focused.  My peace was back.  I knew where to go, what to do... it was a remarkable feeling, trusting in something intangible.  That's faith. 

I spoke with a couple of people this fall about faith.  One guy got it.  The other said he was agnostic, because how do you believe in anything you can't see?  I was fairly agnostic for years.  This "faith" thing was an intangible concept and yet, I'd heard of people saying that all the time, "have faith, it'll work out".  I wish I could tell others of that.  I don't believe anyone will listen or understand though, unless they are right there, in the moment of despair.  Is that rock bottom?  When my parents gave all their possessions away and we moved to Alberta they said they felt that it was their calling.  Talk about having faith!!  They picked up their lives and their 2 little girls and packed what little we had into a station wagon and we drove out to Alberta to begin a new life.  I can't imagine it was easy.  I can't imagine it was ideal or perfect.  But what I still find hard to grasp is how at that age, they had so MUCH faith that everything would work out.

That is real faith. And I think it's a gift. Why do some of us get a gift like that and some live in an agnostic state of being?

Happy Valentines Day

I'm actually anti-Valentine's Day.  I feel the need to state that before I continue with this post.  Valentine's day is a commercially thought-up holiday that makes loners feel like losers and lovers feel less than loved because of some false need to show "romance" on a particularly stated day.  I get it, I really do; there is nothing fun (Groundhog's day is... like seriously, we still do this???) between New Year's and Easter.  I mean, St. Patrick's Day is is fun- and I like a hard night of green beer as much as the next party person but it's not a day off.  Nor is Groundhog's Day; nor is Valentine's Day.  So somewhere along the way, someone dreamed up "holidays" to cure the long wait between New Years and Easter, and then retailers commercialized them.  Clap.... clap.... clap....

And really, the history behind it is SO far off how it is actually celebrated, it's almost nauseating.  I even wore a green sweater today instead of the red one on purpose so I wouldn't be reminding myself of this silly day.

I am not a romantic person.  Go ahead... doubt me all you want.  T. and I were at a hockey game last night and a lady behind us (who seemed intoxicated, actually) was convinced that I was a liar, because I didn't "require" anything for V-Day.  She kept giving T. a knowing look suggesting that if he didn't pull something out of his hat tomorrow, I would never let him hear the end of it.  Don't get me wrong.  I really do appreciate that he bought me a dozen gorgeous roses on my birthday; I'm a total sucker for flowers; and I really love when he kisses me gently on the forehead, and I love when we cook together, and I love snuggle-time!!!  I really, really do!  What I completely detest, is the way retailers, manufacturers and society as a whole force you to do it on a particular day, "if you REALLY love her/him".  Bullshit!  I love the romantic gestures more so because they aren't forced!  What I completely detest, is that in doing nothing it can lead to feelings of "maybe he/she doesn't care for me the way I thought" or "maybe everyone is right; I DO deserve better".

So I caved.  I bought him a V-Day card.  And that's it.  I bought him some drinks last night and I really wanted to make it a fun night with him.  We said "Happy V-Day" to each other, but we didn't plan to go to the game for our V-Day proclamation.  His buddy had tix he couldn't use and asked us if we wanted them.  How unromantic.  But comfortable.  And sweet; because it wasn't forced.  It was just us, being us.

Maybe your significant other goes all out on V-Day.  Congratulations to you.  For all you celebrating "Singles Awareness Day" hold your head up!  You were single yesterday and you will be tomorrow.  Just rock your fine self.  I heard about single ladies celebrating "Gal-entine's Day" as a girls night.  Whatever floats your boat.  But please don't feel like you are not loved, because everyone is loved.  Please don't feel like you are less deserving because the gesture wasn't huge.  Please don't feel inadequate for being who you are.

And don't forget, besides celebrating a day of love, remember to love yourself.  If you can't love yourself, who will be able to love you?  You are lovable.   We are all lovable.  We are all worthy of love.     

So Much To Write, So Little Time

I'm reading blogs like crazy these days.  I want to know why readers come back.  I want to know what holds their interest.  I want to know what it is that they enjoy reading.  I shake my head at the fact that everyone thinks they can blog and are the next "Carrie Bradshaw".  I cringe at some of the grammatical errors.  I detest fear-mongering.

I do like opinions; honest ones.  I like to read a personality.  I like to read a voice I can relate to.  I really like that there is so much out there for blogs these days that all you have to do is kinda Google your mood, so to speak.

For example, Love.  Ewwww, okay, so my close friends and family would say that I'm not big on love.  At least, they would have.  Maybe it's the dreaded V-Day lurking around the corner.  Maybe my relationship with T. is in a good place.  Ugh, worse yet, maybe I'm turning into a mush-ball.  I wrote about love a little while ago, and I really have thought a lot about that whole giving of yourself so completely to someone.  If it's not something you are used to doing, it really is quite daunting.  It almost gets lost in one's own translation.  There is an absolute joining; a oneness that two people have to commit to.  I really think misunderstanding that is why it's so easy to end things.  If people knew themselves and knew each other to the point that they can go into something like "marriage" (although, for the record, I don't think marriage is necessarily an institution I'm ready for just yet, but I'm writing about both love and marriage being of the same level of commitment) I think there would be less of us willing to walk away from it.  How many times have you heard a friend confide in you when his/her marriage is on the rocks "I just didn't sign up for this".  Or, "I'm tired of trying" or "I don't love him/her anymore".  Listen, it's a two way street.  And I've done it myself.  I have checked out of a relationship before I tried to work on it.  But I have also stayed in a relationship, trying to work it out as well.  It is not easy!  It has to be a two way street.  When you have promised to work through the hard times and when you have promised to work through the good times (and they are both work, just a different kind of work) the reward is so much more than you thought possible.  It comes down to that overwhelming feeling of unconditional love-showers.  I know, I know I must sound like a fluffy girl who pisses rainbows!  I swear I'm not usually like this!

The point I'm trying to make is that I'm no expert on anything.  I have lived a little.  Maybe a lot, depending on the topic at hand.  There is a definite opinion in my voice and the topic changes frequently, but it all ends up under the same umbrella, making it all relevant somehow.  And if it speaks to just one person and makes them think of something from another viewpoint, then I consider it time well spent.

A Mixed Bag of Friendship

I had an amazing week. It was a roller coaster, actually, but it ended well. A few years ago, I worked for a company who wanted to increase employee engagement. The solution was to set up a mentor program... Within the small team that we had. Perameters were set and rules and topics for discussion and the worst? The worst was that it was a forced relationship in a mentorship role!! I could barely even stomach talking to the chick I was set up with; if I learned anything from her it was that as much as I tried to, I just didn't like her and that she was generally a mean person.

Have you ever had a mentor? Was it a forced set up or was it a natural relationship? I personally don't think you can force a relationship like that. I have always had my role models in the workplace, but I never found that real mentorship... I usually found out that it was more a mini-me type of relationship like a grooming process. It never worked for me because I still wanted to be my own person. No one was willing to help me succeed by my own merit. It was all "I did it like this so if you want to get here, do it the same way".

I digress.... I miss my BFF today. My mentor, L and I ended the week with a bang, an awesome one. In two days I was able to grow that much more, professionally, and even a little as a person. L reminds me a lot of my BFF. This morning, I sent S a text and told her I missed her. There's a stag n' doe party tonight for friends of ours and I won't have my wing-woman beside me. Yes, I am in a very happy relationship with T, but BFFs are always your wing-woman for things like parsley in the teeth or the bathroom buddy, or having your back always. (Wing-women, single, keep you in the spotlight and aware of your surroundings, Wing-women, attached, are on d-bag high alert, and making sure if you're too drunk to be on alert, that no douchey men are grabbing your ass or trying to pick you up.) They have your best interests at heart. They'll bring them in or bat them away as needed. So I'll be with T and the rest of the crew tonight and I'm sure it will be a blast. But just not the same without my wing-woman.

Women are wonderful creatures, when we're not trying to tear each other down. Never underestimate the power and strength of a woman... Never, ever underestimate the power and strength of 2 women who have each other's back. Especially strong ones.