When I was a teen I knew I wanted to be a young mom. Not a 16 year old mom (not that 19 was sooo much better); I took precautions to make sure I wasn't going to have to drop out of school and try to care for a baby. But I was also raised that you get married and then have kids, so I was on the look out for my husband when I was 17. I ended up married and pregnant (one had nothing to do with the other, btw) at 19. My two awesome teens are 17 months apart. I had thought at one point I would be a housewife and a mom and I wanted 5 kids. HA! Was I ever done at 2!! But I was bored and naive and I felt like I had made a very wrong choice and instead of doing the right thing and ending it I looked to escape it. I ended up leaving one bad relationship and heading into the gauntlet of another would-be relationship. After 5 or so years it ended with me moving out into a 2 bedroom apartment with my children and learning how to live, for the first time, on my own. I was okay at it and then the rent was jacked and I wasn't making enough. And he and I had reconciled after only 6 months. It was a needed break, but after 18 months, I moved back in with him for the security of 2 incomes and retry this thing called love.
Love is unconditional. Love is patient. Love is kind. These are all words I thought I was living, but I really wasn't. I never wanted to be "tied down". I wanted to have a life besides just him. I wanted to call the shots of my own life. I was very selfish. I didn't want him to know how I felt at any given time of the day. I didn't want to let him in. I guess the attitude was, "take me for who I am" and he did, at a price to himself. He deserved more. And I don't want to put him up on a pedestal or anything; he wasn't without his faults and baggage. But I took far more than I gave. And the more he asked of me, the further I backed off. This was my wall; my protection. He'd hurt me before, and I had been hurt by others and I just didn't want to let him in; I was done letting anyone into my life. I had checked out of this relationship way before it ended. And when it did, those few days before Christmas, I was relieved.
People used to ask me what "love" meant. When I was a kid it was all romance and roses and champagne and fireplaces and bear-skin rugs. When I was a teenager, it was hurt and trust. I just wanted someone to fall all over me and make me feel special. When I was looking for Mr. Right, it was more about the best man for the job and choices were limited. Don't get me wrong; he was a great guy; we just were very naive and very young to get married at that age. And when that ended, then it was the champagne and roses and I was swept off my feet. And the romance ended as quickly as it started so when the real life living came into play, I decided it was like a leap of faith. My analogy may not make sense to you, but it did to me.
- Love is a relationship where there is total trust, protection and where two people compliment each other. - So there I am, standing on a cliff and he asks me to jump, saying he'll catch me. I look down and see my demise. There is demise if I let him catch me. I don't want him to catch me. I don't want anyone to catch me. I can land on my own. Ergo, I must be better off single. I don't know what your judgement of me is; and to be honest, I have to answer for my life anyway, so it really only matters how I perceive myself. I may look like I was the man-eater here, but I have had my fair share of hurt. I didn't want to inflict myself on anyone. I beat myself up pretty badly over it though, thinking I was the horrible person who just couldn't open myself up to anyone so I must be in the wrong. I was broken, after all.
When T walked into my life both of us had been through the relationship wringer. We agreed to take it slowly. (This was a concept I had heard about but never been able to do... slowwwwllyyyy.... could I actually manage that?) Instead we focused on trust, openness and handling each other's hearts with care. I think what I now know, is that there is such a thing as "unconditional love". I had no idea what that even was, except in relation to my kids. Once the wall came down in Mexico, I understood it with my family. Little by little, there are people in my life who I want to remain a part of it. There's a certain give and take. There are feelings and proverbial hearts and there is respect and honor, and good and bad times. A wedding vow goes something like "have, hold, sickness, health, love, honor and cherish". Will you take this man/woman? Will you have him/her in your life, and in your heart? Will you hold them when they need comfort or just because? What if they get sick (and these days that is a LOADED question if you consider dependency issues, mental illnesses, or ailments!) What if they're healthy? Will you continue to stand by and support them? Will you love him/her with all your heart, mind, body and spirit? Will you honor him/her? His/her heart, feelings, and build him/her up and not cut him/her down, or berate or belittle, will you respect him/her always? Will you cherish him/her and remind him/her that they mean the world to you? Will you fight for his/her happiness as your own? Will you protect him/her from the world when it all seems to be going against you? When it's good, will you be there and be a part of it? When it's bad, will you be there to support and help the other fight for his/her victory or will you bail? It's so easy to bail these days.
I said the vow once and I broke it. And the world believes and is teaching us all to take care of me first. It teaches you to to be an individual and not to lose yourself in a relationship. "Co-dependence" is a dirty word. Where is the two-become-one line and what is healthy and what is not? If my happiness is mine and his happiness is his, when do we take responsibility for the other's happiness or do we ever? Relationships are so much more intricate than I ever thought; they grow and change. And a life time is a long time!! No relationship is perfect, and no relationship is ever always good. I don't know the answers to this, but I can at least identify it now.
"What about you... are you happy in your relationship?" ~ Samantha Jones
"I'm happy every day. Not all day, everyday. But, everyday." ~ Charlotte York-Goldenblatt ~ Sex and the City
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