I had messed up in true J-style and now my relationship of 10 years was in the toilet. I needed to move out. It was the middle of December and a mere couple of weeks before Christmas. Not exactly the Christmas I was planning. The weekend I moved, the kids' dad helped me move, just the two of us. They were away that weekend; it was the way I wanted it. I had no couch. I bought a tray of sushi and a bottle of wine and sat on my empty living room floor and I was soooo relieved that it was finally over. I was a little scared... But I was highly optimistic. My house was perfect. Gleaming hardwood, tiles, custom kitchen, 3 bedrooms, jack n jill bathroom for the kids, and I had my own bathroom and a walk in closet the size of another bedroom. It was a little overwhelming and I was a drunken puddle of sushi and wine and tears on the floor of the living room.
At Christmas, it was kids' dad's turn to take them. I went home, sheepishly to my family for a few days to heal a little. My mom and I had a conversation in the garage one afternoon over coffee and a cigarette and she told me she thought I had ADD. Then my sister "A." showed up and between the two of them my life went from the square-peg-round-hole scenario to the glass-slipper effect. It made so much sense! They are both professionals in that field. I did not seek a formal diagnosis.
Now I had a reason why I made so many bad decisions knowing full well what the consequences were and not having the ability to stop myself from making them. I could see everything so clearly; when I would rock the boat, what my triggers were, why I always seemed to say the wrong thing and knowing it was wrong as soon as I finished my sentence. I sought behavioral therapy over medications. I'm still not medicated.
My point is: the happiness that I spoke of in the last post is directly related to this. All my life I had very little self esteem. I really can't blame that on parenting. Watch any parent. All they do is praise their kids and love them. No, I believe a lack of self-esteem comes from one's own self image. We only see in ourselves what we want to see. I saw myself as a rebel, a badass, a negative force to be reckoned with, the black sheep. It sounds harsh but I really didn't like myself at all. And when you can't like yourself, certainly the challenge is to love yourself. And you can't face yourself. So how in the world do you expect to face anyone else; to like them even? What if they hate you too? Build that wall, Jules! And that's exactly what I did. I kept everyone in my life at arm's length from me. If they can't get close they'll never know to hate you. What a sad and miserable existence!! My own family, my ex husband, my ex bf- no one was allowed in. Not even me.
Little by little, I opened myself up. I smiled at people because I have a nice smile and I'm happy. I saw a humanity in people I'd chosen for so long to ignore. Humanity is a beautiful thing! It's like a colourful painting of one's spirit! Everything; the good, the beautiful, the bad and the ugly; all a jumbled up abstract of their soul. Look at the light in a senior's eyes and imagine what they have seen in all of their years. Look at the homeless person who begs for your change and notice the lines of laughter around their eyes. And in the same glance, see the pain they are living. Practice empathy, sympathy and love. I'm not suggesting you clean out your change purse walking downtown, but treat one another with kindness. That, friends, is the beauty of humanity.
I used to think to get ahead in this world, as a woman, that if I was as cold as ice and a bitch and emotionless and if I commanded respect that I would be at the top of the man-eating food chain. I emulated women like that. You know the ones; they're the ones who always look like they have to shit. I've found that the better, more successful woman is the one who earns her respect because she treats others that way. You can still be smart and do the job with your eyes closed, in circles around the man but you have to be human.
After letting go of all that garbage I'd held onto for so long, I was as different as night and day. People responded to me differently; they were nice. They smiled, they talked to me pleasantly. What had I been hiding from? (Oh, right... Myself.)
And then I finally, finally learned how to love....
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