Friday, October 18, 2013

Victory is Mine!

There it is, see?  The light.  At the end of the tunnel.  Oh man, it's been a long haul.  And the light is still a long way off, but it's there, pointing that I am going the right way.  It's that small glimmer of reassurance.  

A month.  That's how long I've been gone from home.  I was home for 3 weeks before that and before that I was gone for 3 months.  Oh sure, I managed to stop in a few times over a too-short <24 hour stay.  I get home, regroup, tell my kids I love them, throw in a load of laundry, cook them some food for the week and continue on my way.  It's not ideal, but it could be much worse.  

I cried a lot.  I struggled/am struggling, but am better able to cope.  And it changed as soon as I threw it up in the air.  Sitting here, in a sideways location of mine trying to keep it all running for The Man while the rest of my territory may as well be deserted as I'm holed-up in one place, trapped; I cried again, missing home, kids & T.  It never fails, you know.  That thing called faith?  It's so profound and will sneak right up on you.  

I've had people ask me "what do you believe?  How can you believe in 'nothing'?"  I don't know how to describe it, but here's a go at it:
It's like the angry volcano bubbling away, and you're the little guy.  It bubbles and spews into the sky and surrounding areas until it all explodes.  Little-guy runs for protection time and again because his protection keeps burning down.  When the lava-river finally catches up to his last tiny hope of protection, he yells for help, hoping, praying, asking, begging, pleading.... He doesn't know IF anyone will hear him, but he yells out anyway.  Because he doesn't have any choice left BUT to cry for help.  

It's not because I have 'proof' of anything or that I believe where there is a will there's a way.  Sometimes everything works against you until you beg for help. Call it the forces of the universe.  Call it God.  Call it karma.  It's the real deal, anyway, whatever name it has.  But there you are, being buried alive by life's curveballs, and finally out of desperation, you leave it up to something else.  

And there it is... That tiny flicker in the distance that tells you, "yep, you got this.  keep going."

I got this. Onward and upward. 

Thursday, October 17, 2013

My (Late) Thanksgiving Rant

I have been at my wits end for weeks, what with being gone 5-6 nights, away from my family.  I've been struggling, but while everyone posted statuses on Facebook about their happy thanksgivings, I sat back, browsing bitterly... And I'm not usually like that.  

In the midst of my crankiness, it was easy for me to forget the good things in my life.  It's always so easy to feel like the whole world is against you.  Clearly, I am not the only one with problems, nor do I have the biggest magnitude of issues, and I certainly don't own the market bad days.  

This past week, being a particularly challenging one, made me even more homesick and made me question everything again and I let it all out to T. which I normally don't like to do.  I mean, c'mon, I'm all powerful, queen of my domain, like a rock- I can't be broken!  I don't like to appear weak.  I don't like to have it seem like I'm on the edge, just barely keeping it together.  People have told me that they admire my strength... So it's not often I let someone in to be my rock.  I'm fiercely independent, and I prefer it that way.  

But I lost it the other night.  I spilled my struggles out over text message, and he knew damn well where I was at.  And he said all the right things; though he thinks being supportive of someone is a weak point for him.  And when I say he said all the right things, he didn't coddle me.  He doesn't do that.  But he is always honest with me.  And he doesn't sugar-coat things.  And he doesn't bull shit me.  Ever.  I love that about him.  He doesn't try to fix shit for me, he just reassures me, oddly enough with a touch of empathy and a touch of hard-assedness.  After what's been going on, he was really sensitive to my need to let it out, and was greatly supportive.  I'm so thankful for him.  

I'm thankful for my kids' father who stepped in this weekend to save a day from really going badly.  I'm thankful for his family who is a huge support to my children.  And I'm thankful for his mom who made a turkey dinner and sent my daughter home with homemade leftovers, which is soul-food while I'm away.  I'm thankful for the hug my son pasted on me when I went to pick up my daughter, because he always, no matter what he and I go through, has a big, huge hug for his mom.  I'm thankful for his intuition, because he knows exactly how to read a situation and calm it all down with the smallest of gestures.  

I'm thankful for the strength my daughter has, because this is not an easy thing I've tasked her with to have me gone all the time. I'm thankful that she's smart, and mature beyond her years and has a good head on her shoulders; even when she thinks she's made the biggest mistake ever and I go off the wall, she is still one of the smartest kids I know.  

I'm thankful for my family, because they are hugely supportive of me, my ups and downs, my successes and my failures.  I know I always have them in my corner, no matter what.  I'm thankful for the messages each of my sisters sent me telling me that they love me and missed me and T.  and my kids at Thanksgiving dinner.  

I'm thankful for friends who we spent time with on the weekend and had a blast with.  I'm thankful for friends far away who sent me messages and friends who have never cooked a turkey and needed advice.  

I'm thankful that I do have a home to go to, even though it's rather infrequent.  I'm thankful for my little A-town that has been my home for the last 18 months that I have fallen in love with.  I'm thankful for the beautiful park we have where my dear, old friend came with her hubby to take Fall pics of the kids and I.

And I am thankful for challenges.  They keep me on my toes.  They keep me sharp.  They keep me from boredom.  Each one promises to make me stronger than the last.  

I guess I do have it pretty good.  It's not raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, but it's my crazy life.  (Dammit Ricky Martin, you have forever wrecked the usage of La Vida Loca... Or even Mi Vida Loca!) And I love it.


Tuesday, October 8, 2013

The Hardest Struggle is the One Where You Have the Most To Lose

It took me 2 days and buckets of tears to write this entry.  I would write, and sob.  Then I'd feel sorry for myself.  Then defeated.  Then back to cloud 9.  Then I'd feel my inner tiger roar inside me and for a moment I'd be okay.  Unless you have an artistic out for your emotions, I don't know if you can understand that.  Some people write music or poetry, some paint or sketch, I write.  

And that's where I'm at.  I have a lot to lose right this moment and I'm desperately hoping I can find a way to balance everything.

Yeah, whining about work again.  And I'm pissed off that I'm in this position.  I'll tell you what... I'm damn good at what I do.  I have a hard job.  I have a shrinking market, dwindling commissions and huge turn over, and yet, I can still manage to bring on the right people to work for us.  I can fix chaos.  I am the calm in a storm.  I kill it out out there.  Everyday.  I may never have been better suited for a job in my life and I'm 30 something... soon I'll be too old to go job hunting for a new career.

But working on weekends, the too-long days, the lack of time with my kids and neglect to my home are taking a huge toll on me.  And all of that, I balance between my son, who lives with his dad, and my bf and my daughter and I have no time for me.  Like, none.  I can deal with that, but if I wreck my kids or lose T. in all of this, what is is all for?

I am having sob-fests in my hotel rooms.  I miss my fam and my T.  I had a precious few hours this weekend where I had a friend come and take some family photos of me and the kids and those pictures... they got me through today.  

And what keeps pushing me, inside me, igniting me every single day, is a comment that my old boss made.  We hadn't seen each other in quite some time, obviously I'm gone a lot; he is now, too.  So we crossed paths a few weeks back and he asked how I was adapting to the new expectations.  I'm a terrible liar, but I put my game face on and said I don't mind the work load, I just miss my home. Which, was an honest answer... Just the pain on my face when I said the latter must have been evident.  He looked at me and smiled and said, "you know, this job has been typically done by single people without any commitments."

I was enraged when he said that.  I was totally taken aback and insulted.  What, did he think I couldn't do this?  He hired me for the job!  And he knew full well what my life entailed!  How dare he say something like that!  Or maybe he was saying I had no business having this job if I had a life at all.  What was the point of that!  And I started digging deep.  No way will I be told I can't do something because I care to have people around me whom I love and who love me back!  That holds no bearing on whether or not I can accomplish anything! And I'm damn good at my job!

And then I calmed the eff down, and considered his words again.  He's terrible at saying what he means without it coming across as the wrong thing.  I thought about it.  I am good at what I do.  I'm tenacious as hell.  I won't go down easy and failure isn't an option.  I make pointed decisions.  I  fix chaos.  I recruit like a champ.  I am the best person for this job.  And that's what he was saying.  He knew all of that about me when he hired me.  He also knew I had a family.  And he still hired me.  So, he was complimenting me, in the weird way he does.  He knows I can do it.  He believed in me then.

So today, I still hate that I'm too far from home to be home tonight.  I may even have another meltdown.  I gotta find that balance.  It can't rain every day, right?   I'm in the midst of a chaotic storm.  It's not calm at all right now.  But I've weathered worse.  I will make it.

I just hope I don't break my family.  

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Being a Teen Sucks!!!

I admit it: I'm turning crotchety as I grow up.  I'm all "stupid teenagers".  And I promised myself I would never be that person.  Ugh, but when did they get SOOO obnoxious????  They squeal their shitty tires around the block as they pull at their e-brake and they all smoke weed, and they're all burn-outs.  They think their shit doesn't stink and somehow that the world owes them something and that life is free!  The gall, the nerve, the audacity!!!  Where do they get off?  All the guys think between their legs and the girls are all "ho's".... Yeah, I sound crotchety as hell!  

Except that these kids are exactly who I was.  My high school years were spent in a haze and I gave it up to early to someone who didn't care much a few months later, I slept all the time, I drank, I was cool, I was invincible.  I used to think 'you have to EARN my respect, I'm not going to just give it to you'.  My parents were from a different time and because of that, they didn't know a damn thing.  And I promised myself I would never forget what it was like.  It was oppressing!  Imagine getting dragged out of bed on a Saturday (cuz Friday night I was probably out drinking or getting high till midnight *gasp* because I had to be home at the unreasonable time my daft parents dictated) at 10 am to mow the lawn!  

Looking back and waking up and as FK says "your lights go on when you're 35" and realizing that I had parents who cared enough to "oppress" the crap out of me is enough in itself to be thankful for.  I'm looking around at my daughter's friends, most of whom are male (She is such a chip off the old block!) and think how lost these poor kids are.  I've even taken on a foster-parent role on two occasions this past year.  I ache for these kids.  I pray for them.  I pray for their parents.  It's not easy being a teen, and it sucks even more if you have shitty parents.  Yeah, they're out there.  

The one girl I took in this year turned 16 and asked for a pair of jeans for her b-day.  Her mom made a comment about how needy she was (because she already had A pair of jeans) and that ensued an argument to which the response was "you're 16, do what you want".  So she packed her shit and called my daughter in hysterics and told her that she'd been kicked out.  We picked her up in a puddle of her own tears a block away from her home.  We'd talked and I asked her what her plan was to which she replied "my plan?"  
I housed and fed her for a little over 3 weeks until she decided she needed to go home.  What was I gonna do?  Leave her there? Let her sleep in the streets?  

The other, was a boy who has been here a week.  I saw him a few weeks ago sleeping on the sidewalk behind the pub beside my place.  My heart broke.  I drove off to work and saw him, only I wasn't 100% sure it was who I thought it was.  A few days after that, I left to drop my daughter off at work and came back home and I knew something was off... A warm hot chocolate sat on the coffee table, and some unknown shoes were at the door.  I went upstairs and thought... It's too quiet- who is here?  I'd already checked everywhere... Except the basement.  Downstairs, I found this same boy, curled up in a chair.  He startled me a little so I woke him and he was startled as well.  He said my daughter had given him the o.k. to sleep down there; he had a fight with his dad and his dad gave him the boot.  He said if my daughter was at work, he would leave.  It freaked me out but I nodded and asked if he was okay. He said yes, and thank you and left.  I spoke to my daughter later after her shift and she filled me in a bit.  Again, what- I can't leave him to sleep behind the pub.... I just.... I can't do it.  He's been here a week, he's going to school and he's behaving and watching out for my daughter.  And he's just a kid!  And I get it, kids can be assholes; no doubt something triggered something to get his dad to snap and give him the boot, but really???  Some parents can be assholes too; just because that's who they've always been!

I feel terrible for these kids who have shitty lives.  What right does a parent have to give up on their kid???  And I'm not rich.  I'm not funded at all for this crap, but I can't watch someone my daughter is friends with, sleep outside- I'm just not cool with that.  I'm not cool with the a-hole parents out there either; someone has to give these kids a fighting chance!  

Being a teenager is hard enough.  Being a parent is hard too, but show a little compassion to a kid who has nothing at the moment and watch them bloom.  I just want to tell all teens out there who struggle, this:
Being a teenager sucks.  I understand.  And I care; I really do.  I wish I could promise you it will get better, but guess what?  It's on you to make it better.  And I know, you're trapped and you're young and you don't have many choices, but each time you have the opportunity to make a choice?  Make it the best choice you can.  If you do that it will get better, and little by little it will get easier.  Make good choices.  Be strong.  And being a teen doesn't (contrary to your myopic thinking right now) last forever.  It passes quickly so try to enjoy it the best way you can.  Do the shit you're going to do, and work hard in school.  Don't let the 'shit' overtake your brain or your life.  Stay out of trouble.  Stay safe.  You are loved.  

I told him he could stay a week and the last couple of days he's hovered around like he wants to talk... So I asked my daughter.  She's the go-to.  We've decided to let him stay a bit longer.  She is going to help him get a job and I'll work with him on a back up plan.  Like, his father legitimately kicked his son out the door telling him he better find another place.  Who does that???  No, I know, he's not completely innocent; something happened that he isn't ready to discuss yet, but fine.  In the meantime, he's in school.  He's picking up after himself.  He's watching over Kasia and she's got his back.  He's pitching in around the house and he has a bed to sleep on and food to eat.  And he's so sweet.  He just needs that small glimmer of hope that someone gives a shit about him.  

I've dealt with moms before, but a dad?  An asshole dad?  I dunno of I can.  If he is as big a dickhead as all of his friends, my daughter included, make him out to be, I'm sure he's just an asshole.  And you can't always reason with an asshole. Assholes are assholes for the very sake of being assholes.  It gives them power... At least, they think so.  Everyone else just sees them for who he is... An asshole.  

Take it from me, Kids.  I'll repeat it so you know:
Being a teenager sucks.  I understand.  And I care; I really do.  I wish I could promise you it will get better, but guess what?  It's on you to make it better.  And I know, you're trapped and you're young and you don't have many choices, but each time you have the opportunity to make a choice?  Make it the best choice you can.  If you do that it will get better, and little by little it will get easier.  Make good choices.  Be strong.  And being a teen doesn't (contrary to your myopic thinking right now) last forever.  It passes quickly so try to enjoy it the best way you can.  Do the shit you're going to do, and work hard in school.  Don't let the 'shit' overtake your brain or your life.  Stay out of trouble.  Stay safe.  You are loved.  


Monday, September 16, 2013

The Chrysalis Effect

Mini-revelation time!

I was driving home the other day and it took all of my might to not pull over and start a new entry... I do this frequently.  I have notebooks stashed in my car, at my desk, at home in every drawer and all over my bedroom; just in case, you know, an idea hits me.  

I've referred to myself on occasion as "the butterfly on the wall" because I think flys are gross and butterflies are just prettier than the common housefly.  I digress.  So there I am, cruisin' down the highway and I'm hit with an overwhelming sense of change being upon me.  Change always happens, so I guess the better word is actually transformation.  

I'm in a rut.  I'm working 50-60 hour weeks and red flags surrounding my health are flapping in front of my eyes every day.  Stress- that shit'll kill you.  I've spent all of probably 9 nights in my own bed this summer.  I eat out all the time.  I'm go-go-going 18 hours a day.  I'm not sleeping.  And slowly, I'm starting to feel my happiness slip away, and I hate it!  Enough!  

I know this.  I've felt it.  I've started meditating again; I'm writing more; the last couple weeks I've tried to eat better, more regularly.   And I'm getting centered again, which was necessary.  Say what you will- when you are unbalanced, life throws you curve balls that you just get sloppy on.  And I'm starting to notice my balance returning.  

So- my revelation- that's the whole point here, right?  My revelation is that I need to change.  Not just one or two little things to maintain my current standing, but I need to transform... Again.  Transformation is necessary from time to time.  The last time I transformed was when I had my messy break up and I ventured out on my own.  I need to be that girl again and right now, I'm just a fatter, slightly more unhappy, more stressed out version of who that was.  I need to clean out the cobwebs.  So, being the butterfly on the wall, I need a new chrysalis.  (I know, butterflies are a result of a pupa... Blah blah blah).  My meditation the other day gave me clarity and confidence to make the transformation.  It knocked me over and told me loud and clear that it's time to put myself back in a priority standing.  I know what I have to do.  It's time to stop, give myself credit for what I've accomplished, rap my knuckles for where I've been falling short and push on.  I need to quit living moment to moment and live for tomorrow.  

This is extremely personal.  I apologize, because unless you are feeling the same way, this post will mean nothing to you.  But if you, like me, are feeling the need for change is in your air, then I'm encouraging you to go for it.  Do it with me.  Share your journey, if you are so inclined.  Or not.  I've done this before and I took a whoopin' for it with my inner circle of friends, which really sucked, but I can and will do it again.  I don't live for others.  I live for me.  Anyway... I'm off to my cocoon.  Hopefully I will complete transformation sooner than later.

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Alternative Measures

I've been so curious about the other side of religion and medicine and science.  And please excuse me while I talk out of my ass about things I know nothing of.

About 10 years ago, I went to my first psychic reading.  A couple of things she told me rang true.  Some alarmingly so; she said I would be in a long term relationship with a younger man... I remember scoffing at that inside, because I don't date younger men.  She said I wouldn't meet him for a few years.  And that he would be blonde.  T. is in fact a couple of years younger than me, blonde, and we met just 2 years ago.  I also adore him, and see this lasting long term, though neither of us want to marry again.  Hmmm, freaky.  She also mentioned that I would eventually find my birth mom... well that still has yet to come to any sort of fruition.  And she was pretty close about the job situation; I was in a major transition in my life and I wanted some sort of clarity and guidance.  This was also while I was struggling with the whole "is there a God" thing.

A few weeks later, I was medicated for OCD and given an anti-depressant by my doctor.  I wasn't sleeping, I was obsessing about life, my future, my kids' futures, my weight, I mean you name it.  I remember feeling about 3 weeks in, that life was a little more manageable.  I remember the feeling after 1 glass of wine... and the feeling after 2... I was shitfaced.  I didn't like that feeling.  I don't remember a whole heck of a lot after 3...

Several years later I found out I was ADD the whole time and it had nothing to do with OCD.  I didn't need to be on the anti-depressants at all.  I finished my 3 month prescription, but I never, ever went to refill it.  I was sure I could cope on my own.  When I was diagnosed with ADD, I immediately thought I needed to get onto something that would regulate me fast, but I didn't like the idea of taking medication.  I obsessively thought through the medication route, and went to my Dr. (a different one this time) who advised that if I was uncomfortable taking meds, I could try behavioral therapy and try to re-map my brain.   I had explained I wasn't overly thrilled with the thought of taking pills and told her about the time I was diagnosed OCD.  But I also told her I felt like my life-balance was hanging on by a thread, so if meds were the quicker solution, I'd be open to that as well.  She insisted I try behavioral therapy and promised me that the in-house therapist was very good.  It totally helped. It doesn't correct the chemical imbalance but I will say, it does allow you to re-map your brain.  But you do have to allow yourself to be open to that, and secondly, it takes constant consciousness.  You are going against everything your body does naturally.  I get lazy sometimes and when I lose focus of it, I can pin point exactly where/when I got lazy and I have to start all over.  (Blame it on my ADD baby....SAIL!)

As an adult I have been prone to migraines, especially in times of stress.  I'm lucky in that I don't get them chronically.  (I feel for those who do... I don't know how you manage.)  I used to take (insert brand here) migraine relief pills but they did nothing in terms of relief.  They barely dulled the pain.  I've been reading a lot in the last year or so about acupressure; I may study this further and more formally in the near future.  I apply it to myself regularly and have avoided taking anything for a headache in over 6 months. I haven't had to test it on a migraine yet, but I've got rid of sinus headaches, stress headaches, sleep headaches; really bad ones.  I have yet to master a case of really bad cramps and I am working on properly executing that.  And in terms of sickness or ailments, I still take cold meds... I just can't get my head around the neti-pot, though my sister swears by it.  I hate shit up my nose more than anything.

I meditate.  I meditate more than I pray.  I read more about holistic healing measures than I do about science and medicine and pharmaceuticals.  My sister recently took up practicing Reiki, and I would love to do something like that.  (I still might, I haven't ruled it out).  I believe more in universal energies than I do in 1 God above all (though my version of a higher power is God and he does have his place.)  I believe in cards and leaves and crystals and oils and energies that if we are intuitive enough, we will clearly see our paths.  I believe in spirituality and soul healing and forgiveness and letting go of things, and that this NEEDS to be something our society needs to embrace in order to get well.  I watched an amazing TED talk one of my friends posted on Facebook the other day about how some hallucinogenic plant made into tea found in the Amazon and about messages from a goddess whose message was to the effect that humanity cannot be saved until we get back in touch with our spirit selves. Long, but very well spoken- I love TED talks.  Here's the link:
http://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=share&v=Y0c5nIvJH7w&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DY0c5nIvJH7w%26feature%3Dshare


Our lives are so busy and ruled by the almighty dollar.  And really, do we have any other choice?  No, we don't.  We need to make a living so that we can live in a warm, comfortable home, wear our over-priced brand name clothes and feed our families with healthy food and drive to and from our jobs and errands and running the kids to their extra curricular activities (or in my case, their jobs).  We need to pay for our bills and our wifi and cell phones and music and movies and everything.  On top of all that we also need to be available to anyone 24/7 because if it isn't instant, we are *gasp* inaccessible!!!  We need to work harder for less money and do the job that 10 or 15 years ago it took 3 people to complete, but we have to do it better and faster and more efficiently.  We also need to take on extra work because there isn't anyone else to do it.

What I'm getting at, is that while science and medicine have their place; where institutionalized, structured religions have their place, where all of our institutionalized customs have their place; now we are seeing a paradigm shift in people's thinking.  Where cancer was primarily treated with chemotherapy we are seeing medical professionals recommend alternative therapies on a more frequent basis.  Where if you are overcoming an addiction, you are treated mind, body and soul instead of just drying out.  Often times when we see that the alternatives are not working, or people are relapsing, it is because their soul/spirit is cut off. It's unreachable or almost non-existent.  (and this is the talking-out-of-my-ass-part; my own belief, if you will)  Think of those around you, just for a moment.  Who is in touch with their spirit?  Who would even be open to alternatives and really understand and embrace that it is a portion of their treatment?  Who would think it's fluff?  Who would believe with all their might that an alternative therapy would benefit them, and yet, upon receiving it, felt nothing?  Because they cannot identify with their soul/spirit!!  It's a block!  They wanted to believe so hard in something and it didn't work.  Here's an example (story time!!):
I was probably 11 or 12.  I have had to wear glasses since I was 7.  And not just, you know, I can't really see so I sometimes need these super cute stylish frames and these nice thin lenses.  No man, I was blessed with coke bottles.  I'm near sighted, if an inch in front of me can be considered sight at all and I have a high scale of astigmatism to go with it.  Like, I can't friggin see.  I NEED corrective eye-wear.  Well, as I kid, I thought glasses made me ugly.  I would cry myself to sleep because someone teased me that day for having 4-eyes, or someone called me ugly and so it had to be because of the wretched glasses.  I despised glasses.  I wanted them gone.  And I was relatively sure God would hear my prayer if I really wanted to be healed. (Okay, now, you know my history... this is my history, praying over people to heal them of their faults/ailments, whatever, so at that age, this seemed like a normal wish.)  Well there was a prayer meeting coming up.  People in a huge circle, singing worship songs and praying over people and people falling down and crying and healing and a few people speaking in tongues.... I thought I would do this.  I thought, I'm going to get someone to pray over me and it'll be to heal my eye-sight.  Yeah, the prayers happened and the fall down came and I lay there while they continued to pray over me asking Jesus to please heal this poor girl's eyes. I begged and pleaded with God and Jesus.  11 minutes on the floor, and I opened my eyes and nothing. It was like I wasted all that time and I didn't get a lick of improvement!  I was too young.  My spirit at that time was already corrupted.  I know, because I already didn't like that this was my life; living in a church and always having to be so good and always the praying and the image of the perfect family... I actually rebelled in the coming years- classic preacher's daughter style.  I didn't get my spirit back until I went to Mexico.
I'm not saying that's why I wasn't healed.  But I am saying, if you open your soul or open yourself to the energies around you, you are more likely to receive healing in a different sense of the word.  By no means do you need to have tongues spoken over you or need to be pushed over by someone praying.  There are energies at play, and most people can't find them because life is so loud.

So take time to filter out the noise.  Listen to the silence.  Center yourself and listen to your inner voices.  Try guided meditation or soothing music to quiet outside noises.  Spend time in nature and revive your spirit. Thank God or the Universe or Budda or whomever for your blessings.  Count your blessings.. they may be more bountiful that you realize.  Understand that neglecting your spiritual side is detrimental to your overall well being.  Have faith and be at peace.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

How Do You Want Your Face Remembered?

I was just at the bank and it was busy.  The line must have been 20 people deep.  And there were a lot of old people; 80+.  Everyone was out wanting to do their banking and pay their bills and chat with the tellers.

I was observing the lines on their faces; on everyone's.  Lines are so telling about how one lives their life.  It's true.  Try it sometime.  I first took notice to this a few years back, but I have found myself automatically observing features more regularly.  I was at a meeting with my colleagues recently and there is a boss-lady who is really quite successful in our business.  She has obviously worked very hard to get to where she is. The first time I met her, I was to join her and her team for a business meet and greet luncheon.  She was busy on a conference call.  My first impression was that she was tall, blonde, attractive and obviously commanded attention.  Her face smiled and her eyes twinkled, but it was so brief an encounter I would have been hard pressed to notice anything further.

Since then, that was almost a year ago, she and I have met again on numerous occasions in group settings.  I watched her at the last meeting while she tuned out the round-table discussion and looked down her nose at her phone, answering emails, sending text messages... whatever she was doing.  I saw years of lines; hard lines, frown lines; the way she held herself in those few moments, she aged herself 10 years.  I started to look at the others, sitting around the tables and what their faces revealed.  I saw it clearly.  Happy, happy, happy, not happy, not happy, not happy, really unhappy and so on.  What a tell!  Their body language was equally as revealing.  We each had to report on our area, and we do have a few disgruntled employees.  I listened as one of my colleagues waived away her entire area as a problem.  It was all bad.  She couldn't see any areas for growth.  She didn't see any potential success markers.  She had already thrown in the towel and every time she opened her mouth, her words and tone and actions screamed out loud and relayed her negative attitude.  Her lines were deep too.  They were not happy lines.

But a happy face reads much differently.  Another colleague presented her area and went into great detail as to each location, where the successes were and who was thriving and who needed extra attention.  She described in detail to our American team leads that her entire area, while not flooded with locations is huge, and laid out a portion of America that totaled 7 States!  If ever she needed to go anywhere, let it be known that she needed to drive a lonnnnngg way to get there.  I watched the disgruntled frowny faces and saw their biting looks.  And I watched the presenter's face...glowing, happy, stress-less.  I know her personally too; she could have way more frown lines if she chose to wallow.

It's hard to always remain positive.  But you can see who chooses to let life get the better of them.  I can see clearly when I read my friends' status updates who has a positive outlook and who bitches and whines about every little thing.  "Today's a good day, sun is shining but my back hurts" or "had a great date night, too bad the service was awful" (always a whomp-whoommmmppp in there somewhere) or "Loving the sunshine, might take the kids to the park" or "Makin' dinner, having a few drinks with friends, life is good!" or whatever the update will be.  Some are glaringly negative all the time.  Some, you want to put a bullet through your skull because they're so damn positive at 5 am it makes you sick... you know, if you're not a morning person like, say... me.  I can tell you, there are those who try really, really hard to be happy. They post all sorts of inspirational things and things that remind themselves to love themselves.  I say to them, "You go sister/ brother!"  Keep trying.  You will get there. And in the meantime, fake it till you make it.  It's worth every tear, every bit of self doubt, every internal battle where you want to get down to another level and just let'em have it.  And one day, maybe something will hit you like a freight train and you will break into a million pieces.  Let it out.  Don't try to be strong any longer. Let it out, cry like you've never cried before; wail if it makes you feel better!  And then leave it there. Never look back.  Paste on a smile and move forward because there, right there, is that light at the end of the tunnel.  You are there... go for it.  BE HAPPY!!!

I was asked recently, how I remain so positive all the time.  The first thing that crossed my mind is, am I? and the second was because I've been on the side of negative, and I didn't like who I was.  I guess I think that really, if life were going to kick the shit out of me, and oh- it has tried- I can take it and let it.  Or I can face it head on and know it's not going to keep fighting me.  It'll try, time and again, but the bad times never last.  Nor do the good, but I don't dwell on that.  Because the good times always trump the bad ones. And here's an example:

It was '91.  My family was in transition.  I was 14 years old and my parents were no longer in the missionary lifestyle... but they hadn't yet decided what to do.  We were living in a retreat house with what I remember as a community of misfits.  We were like the Isle of Mis-Fit Toys.  In February during a cold snap of -30 temperatures, the pipes froze.  The place was heated via water heaters at the base of the walls.  We turned on our oven, and rounded up some blankets and sat in the kitchen... we may have had a small space heater too... but whatever... it didn't warm us up that much, but we were far from freezing.  My recollection of that day was geez this sure sucks!  and I remember my dad breaking down in tears and he kept saying he was a failure, we were homeless and he was a failure and he just beat himself up pretty badly over that situation. So one of my other recollections was we aren't homeless, Dad, we have a home, (which I didn't verbalize) and also that I'd never seen my dad like that.  I remember Mom supporting him and coming into the kitchen to boost us up and going back and forth between situations.

My point in that little diddy, is look how far we've come.  My parents did buy a home that summer, went back to school and became very successful.  They even wrote a book (plugging your book FK and Mama-D! :-P) called Nurturing Your Hidden Spirit www.nurturespirit.ca.  Imagine then, if they had taken another path and let life get the better of them.

Everyone has a hard life.  Life isn't easy!  No one said it would be.  I would rather dwell on the good, remain happy and trust that everything awful in life will move on and not leave lines on my face.  And, on a superficial note, laugh lines will always be more attractive than the alternative.  We will all get old.  Our faces will tell the tale of the path we chose.
  

Monday, August 26, 2013

Meat- Animals- Compassion... Enlighten Me

I may stir the pot a little by this post.  In fact, I'm hoping to.  If you chose to comment either on my Facebook page or on here, please understand that we are all entitled to our opinion.  We are neither right nor wrong in having an opinion.  Be respectful please.

I was watching a video someone posted on FB about animal cruelty so that we, the righteous consumer, "Man" being the top of the food chain (listen I'd say humanity, but it was anything but humane... ok, "People" being the top of the food chain; better?) could fulfill their gluttonous faces full of meat.

Now, I know I may sound a little naive here, but I'm really going to put this in my own perspective.  I eat meat.  I'm not ashamed of it.  I don't eat copious amounts of it and I really do try to shop where I know it is organic and not stuffed full of hormones, and if at all there is a way to know where it came from, I try to, because I don't like these cruel videos that circulate. But then I feel terrible for eating meat, which is somewhat a staple in my diet.  To top it all off, I want to scream at the poster of the video and say "this was filmed in China!  Of course we know not to support their back-asswards economy!  Don't support cheap goods from China; that shit'll kill you!  Show me the cruelty at the farm down the road where I buy my stuff from, at the Farmer's Market!"  And that in itself is the wrong attitude to take, because I know damn well the animals aren't dying graciously to be served at my table, regardless of where I bought them, or how much research I do.  I want to eat meat.  I like meat.  I like fish.  I like protein that doesn't taste like erasers soaked in broth.

Then there is the "red-neck" point of view.  They are in fact raised for food- pigs, cows, chickens, tilapia, tuna, salmon, lamb, even elk and bison these days.  I mean, come on, who are we kidding?  Are we just going to set them all free to roam the earth?  Really?  Where's the master plan here?  Are we going to go back to hunting and fishing only?  What about gardens?  If we all grew our own food and hunted our own meat, well then I guess that's just dandy, because I will need to stock up on kerosene and wood and probably buy a horse, since I won't be able to hold a job now that I'm a cave-woman.

It is a beautiful thought to be able to go back to simpler times, but mass-consumerism is a reality.  We are accustomed to everyday luxuries like power and running, heated water, and not freezing to death in our own home in January.  We can get in the car and drive anywhere in mere minutes or a few hours to purchase our own luxuries or visit friends and family.  And I know, we all look at the family who weighs over a ton , just the 3 of them, and judge them for their unhealthy ways as they wander down the isles at Costco and their cart is full of crap.

There is responsible consumerism, isn't there?  Buy local, buy organic, educate yourself on how it's prepared, where it comes from, how it will affect your over-all well being... hell if you're lucky enough, visit the damn farm!  Consider not too long ago, where our First Nations people killed an animal and treated it as a sacrifice and gave back to Mother Earth.  Can we still operate that way without the mass-production factories that treat animals so cruelly that we feel guilty for ingesting them at all?  Because the only reason those places exist  is to mass produce, grow/fatten for a few months and kill at an alarmingly fast rate to fulfill our need or demand for animal protein.

I don't want a cow, or a goat or a flock of chickens or a garden!  I don't!  I'm sorry, but my life is too damn busy to do that.  I want to have a bbq with my friends, eat a burger, know that it was from Canada and feel guiltless doing it.  I want the damn burger to have cheese on it, because it's delicious.  I might enjoy a slice of bacon or two.  And mayo.  And tomato and lettuce.  And no, I'm sorry, but a veggie burger with vegan cheese won't cut it for me.  I would rather eat falafel, and that's cool too, but I wanted the burger because you said we were having a bbq.  That's it.  That's my take on it.

I don't mind if you decide to eat meat.  I don't mind if you are vegetarian or vegan.  I understand that people have varying levels of being able to stomach the cruelty that animals go through to arrive at our table.  It's easier for me to turn a blind eye.  I don't want to know what it went through exactly; I just want to eat it. What is the alternative, really, in the grand scheme of things?  There are plenty.  I personally would rather know the farmer, but since that's almost impossible- but not totally, if you buy from Farmer's Markets- I actually know one farmer who I deal with quite frequently, because I know he's organic, and he kills and butchers his own meat.  Somehow that rests easier with me, because I've known the family for years.  I have never seen it done, but I guarantee it's not as cruel as being forced into a truck with an electric prod, being shipped down the road for 4 days shitting all over yourself only to arrive to smell the death of your own species, and then being beaten, as you are forced through a series of gates while you fear the bullet that will ding you in the skull but if you make it through that, you're neck will be sliced open and your blood drained all over the floor.  Yeah, it is sick.  But it's not enough for me to stop eating it.  I'd just rather eat it knowing it came from a well run farm, by a good family who knows these animals are raised for food, but they don't put them through anything as tortuous as that.  That's the alternative I chose to take.  And it's my choice.

What is your choice?

What is the solution to the problem?

Is there a viable solution?

Do you think these animals should be free?  What about ecosystems and the fact that these now domesticated animals are dumb as a pair of old socks and would never survive?  (And I know, they feel, therefore they are.  But just because they feel doesn't make them equal to humans-  That's probably very red-neckish of me to say, but when a cow invents an electronic device, or a pig can fly an aircraft or a turkey can do algebra, then the argument that animals are equal to humans will hold water.)

I am not trying to stand up on a soap-box and say "I only buy organic, humane meat, I'm a better member of society!"  Hell, there are plenty of times I need to run to the grocery store out of convenience.  The Farmer's Market is all the way in Calgary and they do come to Airdrie on Thursdays... in the summer.  I prefer to buy Canadian.  I prefer to buy organic.  I will ingest a Top-Dogs hotdog once in a blue moon.  And I will probably buy a bagged salad rather than grow my own lettuce.  I strive for leaving less of an environmental footprint on the world, but it's not always that easy.  Sometimes I buy non-organic, or canned something that I discovered later was made in China.  I'm human.  But I try.

I'm very curious as to your feedback.  Let me know what you think.

The Importance of Being Balanced (oh I wanted to say 'earnest' so badly!)

I'm reminded of the simple pleasures;  a home-cooked meal, a hug from someone who loves you back, sleeping in your own bed, sitting in quiet whilst drinking a coffee, snuggling up beside someone special, a peaceful (yet brisk) walk....

I have been on the road for a month, solid.  I mean, I travel for work, so I'm always up to something up and down the AB highways; but I have been GONE, overnight, every night for a solid month.  My poor kids wonder where the heck mom is... (I'm so grateful that they are both independent and responsible human beings- I couldn't do my job otherwise.)  T. takes what precious little time we do have together and makes me feel loved.  When I do travel to central AB, my parents and sisters always welcome me in with open arms... ahhh, a little bit of solace- it is so welcome... I take a little reprieve in that I'm still with family.  And yes, I get it, I'm whining a little...

I am fast coming to the conclusion that I am not invincible.  The long days and hotels and eating out and working myself to death are reeking havoc on my body.  I'm gaining weight so fast.  Well, sure, it sounds easy; just go to the hotel gym and stretch out and get on the treadmill for an hour, right?  Ugh, but I'm tired!  I drove for 8 hours, I have a boatload of emails to answer and I haven't eaten a square meal in 2 days.  So I order up some takeout, watch some TV and crash... but it's a light crash.  Even if I seem dead to the world for 6 hours, I've actually woken 3 or 4 times because the stupid bed isn't my bed and the pillows are giving me neck-kinks and the sheets are tucked in so damn tight, how do you even get comfortable?  Begin day at 6 am, eat a high-cal breakfast because that's the only option in town, go-go-go till 7 pm and start all over.  In a matter of a couple of weeks I start to burn out.  If I do go home, I'm so tired that I'm less than motivated to cook, clean, do laundry...But I do try.  (Oh, listen to the wailing of that whaaaaa-mbulance!)

I've started to get very much into meditation.  I have been meditating since I was around 14.  My parents had this creative-visualization meditation cassette by Shakti Gwain that I used to pop into my Walkman and I'd surround myself with the pink bubble in my happy place.  Positive energy in, negative energy out, relaxing every muscle in my body, pink bubble, pink bubble, pink bubble....It helped me sleep.  (I have also been a life-long battler of insomnia.)  Nothing really ever manifested itself; I was too young to grasp the concept.  I mean, I understood what manifestation was, but I just didn't know enough about who I was to be able to figure out what I wanted.  I have picked up meditating within the last few years again, and I love it.  Nothing ever really manifests itself even now; but I realize I'm not looking for riches or success or fancy cars and big houses.  What does come to me is peace, tranquility, aligning of chakras (this one is new to me; the Third Eye always eff's me up!  I cannot see out of my Third Eye!!!!  Why can't I see out of my damn Third Eye!???) balance and the ability to move forward in high-stress situations.  I can definitely feel when I'm unbalanced and have not meditated in a few days.  I meditated last night.  Oh to wake, go into work and still feel elated and happy!!  A quiet office day where I can get some busy-work done that I've neglected on the road, sip coffee at my desk, and go home to see my daughter for a bit until she goes out or to work, maybe make real food for dinner and spend some time with T.

I was looking at my desk when I came in to the office though.  Definitely chaotic.  Needs a makeover.  I have piles of stuff all over, a container of Lysol wipes, (cuz everything is disgusting, always, everywhere... I have one in the car too.  I love those things.) cords, and chargers and power-bars, boxes and boxes and boxes of supplies that need to be moved to anywhere but here...And on the right side of my desk, opposite of my phone, I have 3 frames; one is for friends, where I have the 3 J's all in a group hug of 2 of my best girlfriends since I was like, 10 years old.  The frame has little words all over it; Friends- Laugh- Good Times- Smile- Fun.  I change the picture a few times a year with different friends.  The second one in the middle has T. and I in Mexico and its frame reads Love- Forever- Always- Happiness.  I change that picture too, every so often when I think T. and I have a great couples pic.  The third frame is for my fam and the picture in it is a picture of last summer when my G-ma Steffler came out for her 85th b-day with my Aunt and Uncle and we had family photos done and is of my kids and I and that frame reads; Family- Togetherness- A lifetime of memories- Love & Laughter.  I love that picture.  I have not changed it yet.  It is the small portion of my desk that is peaceful and reminds me why I work so hard to make a decent life.  For balance; to spend time with friends, to enjoy my life, to give my kids the life they deserve.

So my point in all of this long-winded jibberish, is that balance NEEDS to be prominent in anyone's life.  If I work too hard and neglect my health, I will rob my own life of it's full potential.  I will be unhealthy and fat and I don't need another risk-factor- I already smoke.  If I don't work hard enough, I will not have the means to enjoy the fun things in life.  If I spend too much time having fun, I will probably lose my job.  But looking at the smiles in each of those pictures makes me want to nurture all the aspects of my life.  Life is wonderful.  Life is full.  I don't ever want to look back and say, "I didn't do ______ because I didn't have time/energy/motivation."  (I didn't walk the treadmill because I'm lazy... laziness kills if your heart gives out. Insert ass-kicking here.)

Anyway, I've wasted enough time today (writing is never a waste though) and should focus.  Step 1- clean off desk.  Step 2- answer all emails.  Step 3- organize the next few weeks.  Step 4- enjoy the evening.  Step 5- maintain balance.  Always.


Saturday, August 24, 2013

Wasting Time Thinking Negative Thoughts

I stumbled upon someone I used to be very good friends with not too long ago.  It was a Facebook stumble that allowed me to see that so & so was with a bunch of other old friends at a pub together.  My entire old crew... Some who at the time were not even really friends- I was the mutual; they were sort of friends through me.  A rather odd feeling overtook me... It reeked of insecurity.  Why were they all friends now?  And surely the common ground must have been over disdain for me.  

When everything changed with me and I discovered happiness, people around me started dropping like flies.  And the worst of it was they thought I was the one screwed up!  I have never had so much bitterness rear its ugly head in my direction.  I have thought so long and so hard as to WHY I became the bad person; their outlet for poison.  Even as I write this, I don't want to sound all high and mighty... Something in each of us changed and we no longer mixed well.  And to be quite frank, I have to let it all go because it's not worth it to get all worked up.  But still... Being that I was so close with these people before makes me wonder what it is that is their common ground; because a consistent factor is me.  And so, do they talk about me?  Do they trash talk and bond over that crap?  Because people do that.  The old adage, 'misery loves company' rings true.  And my feelings are hurt and I feel badly about myself.....

I shouldn't, though.  I really shouldn't waste the energy.  I know that today I am a better person than I was then.  Maybe I need to apologize to them... I certainly wasn't my best.  But I thought I was good enough... Why, at my best am I no longer good enough?  There's a punch to the self-esteem.  

Forget it.  Life moves forward, and if you do ever try to go back, it usually is a lot different than you thought it might be.   Shake it off sister, embrace who you are and love yourself.  Be thankful for the good in your life, because my life is really full.  It's full of love and joy and peace and laughter.  I have wonderful friends; those who stuck by me, I have a good man, I have awesome teenagers and a strong, loving and supportive family. 

Remember: What someone else thinks of you is none of your business.  

Stay strong.  Stay positive.  Stay true to yourself.  Actions always speak louder than words.  

Monday, August 12, 2013

Don't Ever Give Up. Happiness Is For Everyone.

Sitting, laptop in said lap, tapping, pausing and tapping; I'm looking for the right title entry for this blog... it's a loaded topic.  Pausing again, I nearly have it, but I've too many other thoughts running through my mind and I don't want to forget anything as my ADD-brain shouts out every bloody idea it can just to clog up my brain.

Oh, my last rant was full of stress, and I started thinking how difficult everyday life is.  And like, difficult for me; me, who has no real issues of which to speak of.  I'm not depressed, nor am I broke, nor am I battling mental illness, I'm disease-free, germ free, I have my health, I don't really tend to be a worrier... And I find life very challenging.  Add, and then compound any of those issues listed above in any combination you see fit and everyday challenges become larger hurdles in everyday life.  I mean, yes, I bitch and moan about my job, but I do like it; it's a great job for me with lots of freedom and creative avenues to explore.  Haha, like I'm some type of stifled artist begging to let loose my creativity.  Hardly.  But it does allow me 90% of the time to be a creative problem-solver and I get to drive a lot, which is nice to be able to do.  Sometimes things get hairy and out of control but generally speaking, it's a good thing; it pays the bills and I don't hate it.

So after some vacation time in BC with my family, and I mean the whole fam-damly; parents, sisters, brothers-in-law and all 7 grand kids, I was finally able to re-group.  It's amazing what a week of true relaxation and unplugging can do for the human spirit.  We (the fam) had so many talks and visits and well, in theory, we've solved all the world's problems in conversation or another.  One of the conversations that took place was our natural happy place.  Mine is the mountains.  The smell of mountain air tinged with pine and wood and leaves; it is such a fresh, amazing smell to me.  The thin air allows me to breathe so deeply. Whether summer, fall, spring or winter, the mountains are my place where my spirit floats along the peaks, re-energizing itself.  Some get that same feeling from a beach or at the cottage or cabin.  Cabin or not, I just want my mountains and the smells and the crisp, fresh air.  Zen.  Right there.

And I got my zest for life back, a little, while I was away.  I've been making a mental bucket list, and when I check something off, I realize I am both embracing life and I'm sustaining my happiness.  Do you know how important that is?  I want to go white-water rafting again.  I want to climb a mountain again.  I want to take a course in massage therapy- maybe even get a certificate or something.  I want to study more about holistic healing, because I know there is more to feeling better than doctors and medicines.  I want to learn about the stars and astrology and palmistry.  I want to do yoga again, and maybe master that too.  I want to write and write and write.  I want my life to be fun.  I want people to remember me as someone who "embraced life and was happy".  That's it.

But what happens when you have loss, set-backs, inner-demons (I'm not making light of anything, but demons- like emotional scarring/baggage) , mental/physical heath issues, diseases- anything from the flu to addiction to cancer?  What happens when you take these issues and compound them with job stress and home-life stress, a sick kid at home or financial issues?  What if you're going through a break-up or divorce? What if your former spouse can't let go; or maybe you can't?  What if this affects your job performance and you find yourself in a heap of shit at work?  What if you lost your husband or wife, your kid got sick and you lost your job and now you're in a messy divorce and you hit the bottle?  Then what?  Is there a zest for life there?  How do you pull yourself out if you don't have a network of strength around you?  What if you're unhappy?  What if you decide this is life?  And it sucks.  Do you throw in the towel?  Where's the edge? Are you going to take the edge and walk it?  Can you be pulled back from the edge or can you pull yourself back?  Do you even want to?  And then you think, no, I would never kill myself; no that's not me....(but did you realize you have a self-destructive personality?  Then what?)

And hey, it sucks.  I'm no one of consequence, but I do know a bit about this; because I love the frickin' edge.  I've lived my whole life either on it or close to it.  Too close for comfort, in some cases, but nonetheless I do understand this.  I may not have walked the same path as that of someone else, but the edge, you see, is invisible.  It changes distance from person to person too.  Some stay far away and others seem like they're going to fall.... and they aren't even close to the edge yet.

"Grant that I do not judge my neighbor until I have walked a mile in his moccasins"  (Indian Prayer)

I don't know the truth behind the author of that... I know many a great elder and that sure sounds like it was written by a white man.  But the premise remains that no one should judge another.  The premise also remains that the importance of treating one another with kindness and dignity in all situations is crucial.

Humans were created in God's own image- take from that what you will; I'm not trying to preach.  Each of us is perfect in our own way and the act of kindness toward another human being is an act of our own higher selves.  Don't kid yourself for a second...we all can achieve the ability to be great in our own way.

Faith.  I have said it repeatedly; it is so important to have faith... in something; something good, something bigger than ourselves.
Trust.  Those we love should be able to put their trust in us.  We should treat their trust as a gift, not a requirement for a relationship.
Love.  The more you learn to give, the more you will get back.  The more love you surround yourself with the more strength you can get from inside you.
Acceptance. That we are all unique, special and worthy of love and kindness and dignity.
 
So don't give up.  Find your happy place and rejuvenate your spirit.  It means the world to your happy life. Let go of what you can.  Change what you must.  Deal with the rest.  Rely on a support system to guide you and let you lean on them and pump you up.  And have faith that life will work itself out.  Find love.  Nurture it and embrace it.  Life is always more fun when you can share it with someone you love.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Rants Are Sometimes Required For Sanity

I'm tired.

I'm frustrated.

I'm overwhelmed, to be honest.

In the last 9 months, I have had a major career change at my company and I welcomed it with open arms.  It came with great perks, and a huge workload but I welcomed the challenge.  The term, 'be careful what you wish for' is coming to mind.

Initially, I was swept off across North America for 8 weeks of intensive training.  My daughter was at home and needed to quit her job because I was unable to support her.  For the record,  McDonald's may be an excellent starting-the-workforce place to work, but a requirement of 1 midnight shift during a weekday for students is a bit much.  The requirement that she be picked up by a parent after 8 pm was too much to accommodate.  She asked for weekend hours (a cut in hours) in order to allow me to support her; it was refused.

Learning my new territory was daunting.  First of all, for some reason, the person who should be in the know of issues affecting said territory, is the last to find out.  The territory itself was huge!!  I mean, 12 hours driving end to end.  There were the problem spots everywhere; a circle, if you will, of constant babysitting. This was taking away from other pressing issues that were outside of the circle, but I slowly became able to prioritize things better.

I was being micro-managed and this was damaging a formerly good working relationship.

Then out of the blue, me and my counterparts were all reporting to one person out of Dallas, TX (head office) and this was a good thing.  But more changes.  Lots more.  Different expectations.  New learning curve. Within weeks of that, my 'Problem Circle' exploded and I was frantically attempting to resolve all of those issues and suddenly, my further-most east location decided to quit.  This takes me away from everything as I attempt to save a sinking ship.  I'm on vacation at the end of that week; I need a vacation and a NEED to solve my sinking ship before I go.  I can't.  It dissolves in front of my eyes.  Who has to clean up this mess???  Fortunately, I have an Ally in my back pocket and I am so grateful for both her experience and willingness to rescue me.

I returned from vacation to a full territory re-alignment.  This is welcome news.  But, new territory, new learning curve, new expectations... again.  (I am screaming inside!  Already there is so much going on in my old territory and now to take on a new one and learn all of it and WHEN WILL I LAND ON MY FRICKIN' FEET?????)  Now I have The Ally stuck in the Sinking-Ship location and unavailable to complete things in my old territory.  I have my northern counterpart on vacation for 3 weeks with no pow-wow on where things stand in her old territory, which has become part of my new territory.  I have a new Problem-Circle for which I have little details on and I still have the Old Problem-Circle.  I have a pissing match going on with The Ally, because she thinks I'm stepping on her toes (well if you are unavailable, who do you think Problem-Circle is going to call?  And FYI, Problem-Circle was hers to start with, so... just sayin'!) Just add to that the plethora of expectations from Dallas to 'finish what I started' in old territory without stepping on The Ally's toes and to immediately move steadfast into position in new territory of which I know very little, but really, I am essentially running the whole gad-dam province (over 150 locations) since vacations and Sinking Ships also need to be accommodated.  I just had vacation.  I'm exhausted!  I missed a conference call yesterday because the call-in info was incorrect plus I was battling with cell coverage.  Man, did I catch shit for that one.  Man, I'm tired of being in shit!  I'm tired of making these excuses!  Screaming, I tell you, SCREAMING for the ability to land on my feet!!  I don't want to fail!!  Am I being fair in my rant?

So I sit back and breathe.  One can only do so much.  I am only one person.  Breathe Jules... breathe deep, slow and easy.  Faaaaccccckkkk!!!!!!!

Rant done.  Resume peace.  


Monday, July 22, 2013

Change: The Only Constant

I literally just had a mini-epiphany!  

Who Moved My Cheese, By Spencer Johnson MD; it's a book that came up this weekend in the gee-rage whilst at T.'s house.  His mom was reading another book by the author and mentioned he'd also written Who Moved My Cheese.  T. laughed at the title...and I thought everyone had heard of that book.  He thought she was trying to be funny.  So I gave him a brief synopsis and tried to shake the image of my old boss out of my head.  She loved that book and encouraged us all to identify with it.  And I was thinking again about it just now, when I realized, for someone who loves to speak about change, she was very adverse about it, in hindsight!  I remember every meeting and every conference call and there was always something "inspirational" on the agenda about change.  And yet, when I look back at what I knew of her, change was a hard thing for her to deal with. She lived in the same house in the same town and drove the same car as she had for many years.  She had the same job.  She had the same role through much of her career and under her she had the same staff.  So, tell me again why we need to all be flexible and be able to move with change....?

On the other hand, it's me that she hired.  She used to love to critique my inexperience in management and tell me I had a lot of growing to do and I had to lead change.  I think she used to put that on me, because either she didn't know how, or she was afraid.  I would speak up with new ideas and she would shut them down and tell me why they wouldn't work.  I argued with her because she always said moving with change, for me was a weak point.

Let me tell you my friends; the only constant in our lives is change.  I have moved homes 16 times in my 30-some years.  I have changed towns 9 times of those 16 moves where I also had to change my entire circle of friends.  I have had many jobs throughout my life, always seeking out a better life.  Twice I was canned.  Mostly I moved up and forward and changed everything.  I've been skinny and overweight and normal and healthy and not healthy and I've quit smoking and I've started smoking and quit for years only to go back again.  I've had numerous failed relationships and now hopefully a success.  I've been at rock bottom and I've also been happy.  And sad.  And scared.  And fearless.  I've been routine and I fly by the seat of my pants.  If I could go back to my old boss who preached change like it was going out of style, I would stand and turn in front of her a say, "You don't know me, but this IS the face of change".  If she knew nothing of me at all, I do know she was wrong about one thing; I AM change.   

Friends, I thought of something that was an inspiring thought on change: 
Change is never easy.  Change can be scary.  Sometimes change seems like a bad thing.  But in all my experiences in change, looking back, never has it been a negative.  It may not seem like it at the time, but change is always a positive.  The only exception is usually the negative choices we may make to resist changes. The harder you fight against a losing battle, the more negative results you will get. 

So I patted myself on the back today.  Because leaving my last job was tough on me.  It was always the errors that she pointed out.  She would try to be positive and have a conversation, but in the end, she needed to listen more and talk less.  There was never conversation... There was always her side and I was always wrong.  Or inexperienced.  Or naive.  Or unable to move with change.  But when I look back and see that she was just as at fault, or maybe even moreso; I can hold my head up and think yes, it was time to move on.  Yes I learned some things.  But I can always walk away from anything and say, "it's time for change" and embrace it.


Monday, July 15, 2013

On Judgement

I posted a Facebook status today that may have come off as passive-aggressive... but that isn't at all the intent.  It went something like this:

Judge not lest ye be judged. Matthew 7:1

Do not compare yourself to others; you have no idea what their journey is about.  Anonymous

People in glass houses should not throw stones. Proverb

 Judgement is an ugly colour on anyone.  jmsteffler

The bottom line is...
No one should be allowed to judge another person on their choices, lifestyle or issues.  The simple fact is this: Learn to love, accept and trust.  I promise you, it's much more fulfilling than the above alternatives.

Just my two cents....

So why the seemingly p-a post?  Because.  Because I am tired of people passing judgement on others.  I see it every day whether it happens to someone else or if it happens to me.  This weekend it happened to hit way too close to home and it took every ounce of my being to not cross a line when I lashed back at the person.  I often don't engage in arguments, debates or disagreements while in a social setting.  I much prefer to chat superficially and avoid anything that may come across as confrontational.  I do this for a couple of reasons.  For one, alcohol (usually available and being consumed in said social settings) and arguments do not mix.  There is no such thing as tongue-holding and regardless the level of impairment, you cannot reason with anyone who has been drinking.  I have been in that situation more times than I wish to recant, so just- no.  You cannot reason with alcohol.  There is usually utter honesty, cruelty, misunderstandings, hurt feelings, raw emotion, compromised feelings, wrong tones, and things that just shouldn't be said.  Ever.  And once they're said, you can't ever take them back.  You can only apologize and hope to God the other person actually knows the term 'forgiveness'.  Forgiveness isn't something that a lot of people even know how to do, y'know...?

Apologies are one thing.  Accepting an apology is another thing.  Letting it go and forgiving someone for their actions and never thinking about it another moment once you've chosen to let it go....that's where forgiveness tends to be forgotten.  Listen, I'm not saying to not apologize if you fucked up.  I'm not saying you even have to accept an apology, or that you aren't allowed to be angry with someone for hurting you even after they've apologized.  Own your emotions.  They're yours.  On the plus side; once you've learned what forgiveness actually is, it really does get easier every time.  Just sayin'.

It's the pedestals of judgment that people stand on every day where they look themselves in the mirror and feel superior everyone because yesterday they donated to the food bank, or they're having a good hair day.  I have good days, I have bad days. We all do.  Some days we're the pigeon, some days we're the statue.  We're all the same.  So when did it become okay to throw the rocks?  When did it become okay to look someone in the eye and judge someone on hearsay?  When did fingers start pointing in random directions for no other reason but rumor-mill circumstance?  In the meantime, ahem, your skeletons (in the closet) are showing....

I'm not perfect.  I've been there, up on my own pedestal, guilty as charged.  But I have learned over the years that humanity is usually struggling with the same issues, on different levels and while circumstances may vary from person to person, we really are all the same.  Some of us deal with things better than others.  Some of us have mental health issues.  Some of us deal with addictions.  Some of us are more self-aware than others.  Some of us have shitty personalities.  Some of us are just unhappy.

I have grown.  I am no better than anyone, but this is knowledge worth sharing.
Love. (Because love makes everything better.  Love is like air: necessary.)
Peace. (It's so much easier to enjoy life when you are at peace with yourself and those around you.)
Forgiveness. (It's a cornerstone to happiness, peace and contentment.)
Understanding. (When you seek to understand, you will usually see that the surface is nothing like what lies beneath.)
Acceptance. (Accept what you can.  Change what you can not accept.  Accept that you cannot change everyone or anyone.  It's only on you.)
Empathy. (Put yourself in someone else's shoes for once.  A little of this goes a long way in humanity.  A long, long way.)
Trust. (Because the basis of any relationship is trust.)

Apply this to yourself and the world will change before your eyes.

Apply this to your relationship with your significant other and be patient.  Love, support, trust and acceptance are the 4 most important things I want in my own relationship.  Remove doubt, fixing him/her, resentment, jealousy or anger.  And if you can't remove those things, you have to ask yourself if you are where you're supposed to be.

Apply it to those in your friendship circle.  Watch the drama finally not follow you around.

Apply it to those around you at any given time... the person at the bus stop or in the office or the same person at the coffee shop every morning.  Smile at people...or just smile.  Let go of the pettiness and the power and the superiority.  Come back down to earth and be human.  You are, after all, human.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

On Adoption

I'm adopted.

I am not blood-related to any of my family, relatives or otherwise.  It was a closed adoption.  It is now an inter-provincial closed adoption.  It does give me some dimension of anomaly.  Some people who are adopted go through their whole life and don't seem to care either way.  I have never been able to avoid thinking about it.

There is so much to think about on this for me, I will probably create multiple posts on it.  It is part of me.  It is often why I question things about myself.

I need to start by saying that the family I was blessed with is my family.  I have a mom, a dad and two sisters.  Having been told they would never have kids, my parents went onto an adoption waiting list for a baby.  I showed up.  I was 9 months old.  Soon after the start of our family, my mom found out she was pregnant much to both my parents' surprise.  My sister and I are exactly 2 years apart.  A week before Christmas and 2 days difference.  A few years later, my parents decided we weren't quite a complete family, and my youngest sister joined us via adoption as well.  None of my sisters look like me.  We barely resemble our parents.  My middle sister does, obviously.  We don't seem to have any shared traits among us... aside from strength, and more specifically, inner strength.  But we are a family.  We were always treated equally and fairly (that question always comes up) and consistently.  There were no favorites. We were not different.  We were never singled out as anything other than sisters and a family.  But we are 3 very different people and yet, we're one of the closest families I know.

Still... I'm adopted.  I can't look at my hands and see whose fingers I have or why I am proned to puffiness and weight fluctuations.  I don't know why I am as blind as I am and need glasses or contacts to see.  I can't pinpoint the fact that I had thyroid issues on my genealogy.  Because I don't know the answers to that.  When I gave birth to my son, he looked nothing like me.  He was ALL his father's side.  Did he have any physical or DNA trait that he received from me?  I remember bathing him and changing his diaper and examining him for proof he was mine.  So, the fact that I'm adopted has always been in the back of my mind.  How could it not be?

I used to wonder what life would have been like, staying with a teen mom.  I had friends growing up who had young moms.  Often they had step-dads, or no dads.  Often their moms seemed to be very strict, like "I know what you're doing but I'll be damned if you're going to make my same mistakes" and then they wouldn't be able to date until they were like, 21 and going to a supervised, mixed-gender party in eighth grade was NEVER going to happen.

I used to dream, when I got myself in shit as a teenager, that life would be so different with "her".  It would be light and fluffy and fun.  Not at all like the teen moms my friends had.  It could never be bad or hard or stressful (because, like any daydreamer, the grass is always greener, duh!)  My bio-dad was never really in the cards... I could take him or leave him.  But not knowing about my bio-mom used to consume me.  I am not even kidding when I use the word consume.  It was all day, everyday.  I used to write her letters in case I ever found her (that will need to be another post, because it's a loaded topic).  I lied about my age to search agencies.  I wrote letters and called The Children's Aid Society in Kitchener-Waterloo and did searches for my case worker. I would look for loopholes in searching to try and get around the inter-provincial or age thing.  I considered hiring a private investigator and not having a job, I would dream up ways to pay him/her.  I considered becoming a private investigator.  I searched libraries and archives and papers and records of any kind to find some type of evidence that might give me something to go on.  I looked for birth notices in every paper and even moved my birth date within 24 months to see if ANYTHING came up.  I even went to a psychic.  And this was all before the internet.  Ha, let me tell you, I have exhausted every avenue online too, for shits and giggles.

No, I do not want to find my bio-mom.  Which seems hard to believe, having just read that last paragraph.  And okay, let me be true here for a moment.  I don't WANT to find her, actively.  I would love to be found... or, more specifically, I would like to know that she wanted to know about me.  Better still, I would love to be the butterfly on the wall (an earlier post of mine referenced that, and I dig it more than 'the fly on the wall').  I would love to see her, in an everyday setting.  I would love to watch her grocery shop or I don't know, wait at the doctor's office or having coffee with a friend.  I would love to watch and observe her mannerisms or listen to how she pronounces something; how she pushes her hair out of her face or watch her walk away or just see what kind of shoes she's wearing.  I wouldn't want her to know that I'm there.  I wouldn't want to have a conversation with her or identify myself.  I don't want to be obligated to have a relationship with her.  I might not even care if I have siblings or not.  It may sound very stalker-esque, but not if you're a butterfly.

It all comes down to the fact that I love my family.  I love my mom and my dad and my two sisters.  They made me who I am and I like who I turned out to be.  In every sense of the words, they are my mom, my dad and my sisters. In every sense of extended family, we are fully part of those families as well.  My youngest sister and I are the only two in my mom's huge, extended family who are adopted but really, you'd never know it.  Not to see us together.

It took me many years to be fully accepting of that.  It took tears, counselling, fights and denial and facing emotions head-on.  It took a lot of stupid mistakes; it took a lot of healing; it took a hell of a lot of faith and forgiveness.  It wasn't like I one day just discovered I was adopted.  No, I knew from the day I went home with my family and all my life that "I was their special little adopted daughter whose mom wanted me to have a better life than she could offer me".

So the questions will remain unanswered, as far as I can predict.  I have stopped looking within the last  few years.  What if I found her?  What if I had a sibling find me, or even a grandparent?  What if my bio-dad found me...?  I don't know what I would do.  It changes from day to day, but I have stopped actively looking.  I mean, the thought crosses my mind that if I can't find her, she probably is either dead or doesn't want to be found.  Does she ever think of me?  I wonder what my birth date does to her.  Who actually gives up a baby and isn't even remotely curious about how they turned out?  Does she wonder if she made the right decision?  Who knows... maybe she died with me as her secret...

It's hard to not get all worked up about it, even now.  I cannot fathom the strength of character that it would take especially in this day and age, to NOT search for me; I'm out there.  I'm searchable.  I can be found. She can Google my birth date if she really wanted to and find me on an online registry, and not even just one! She probably has more to go on than me, so why doesn't she try anything... contact... anything?  I have been of age for so long and I have been registered for years...how can she not question every day if she made the right decision; how?  Maybe she's afraid.  Maybe she thinks I'm angry.  I might still have some pent up anger that I might lash out onto her.  I like to think I don't and I wouldn't, but there are too many questions.  If she ignored my feelings I can see how I would be angry.  And so, why would she want to do that to herself?  Why would I want to feel all of that brought to the surface again?

It was hard to let go of.  It still is... I think about it every day.  I think about the fact that I was adopted.  I think about my bio-mom.  I think about the family I was blessed with.  I think how can you not want to know when it is SO easy these days.  I think of my own kids.  I think too much about it; I know I do.  Even though I've dealt with a lot of it, I don't suppose I will ever resolve it; not fully.  Ugh... I wish I could let it go completely.  I wish it didn't bother me as much as it does.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Public Anonymity - An Oxymoron

How do you stay anonymous in an instant update kind of world?  I haven't been on Facebook for weeks.  Almost 2 months.  Yes, I scroll through and find things of interest, but daily, I'm finding that to be a more impossible task.  It's all, "How many likes for this utterly deformed child who doesn't think they're beautiful" or "1 Like=1 Prayer for all the dolphins being tortured" or "Elephant and kitten are BFF's, like if you agree" or my favorite "If you skip 'this post' you have no heart, 98% of my friends have no heart".

I miss cool pictures of people.  I miss random status updates.  I miss seeing what goes on with my friends and relatives that live far away and updates on their lives.  I like to see the odd "inspirational quote" by Eleanor Roosevelt, but it probably came from Anne of Green Gables.  I like how the Dalai Lama quotes things just like Will Smith.  I like a good debate.  I like commenting that I'm thinking of someone on their wall and that I miss them.  I like updates from some of my favorite retailers and bands.

I dislike comments on every action a person has.  "Julie is at Chinook Mall". "Julie is in a relationship" "Julie is single" "Julie stopped caring about shit"  (Insert conversation and comments threads here). I LOVE the like button, but I wish they had a dislike button!  I dislike public conversations and bullying and passive-aggressive comments and attention-getter-drama-starters.   I remember back when FB first started how people were leery of being TOO open so a status update might look more like "Going out with friends tonight" rather than "Got a Brazilian done and condoms in the purse, gonna be a hot-mess tomorrow!" Really though, I could go on an on about dislikes; Google "status update pet peeves"; the list is endless.

So is there any way to stay out of the comments thing and still post your life without a barrage of trollers and live commentators on every action?  Because I'll tell you what, the "unfriending" is a major insult, once the person realizes they're gone.  The "Block" is even worse.  The settings change as fast as underwear so regardless of what your settings are, you know they're getting all changed up in a week.  And it's time consuming when changing those setting is person or picture specific and you're dealing in the hundreds of people.  Too bad we can't pop up a "page under construction" banner and hide everything until our major surgery is completed.  #thirdworldproblems, right?  I know!  I don't want to close the account because I do have family and friends across the country that I can see how fast their kids are growing and how so & so is having her first baby and I can't share it live with them or how this person got married on the other side of the country and I couldn't make it but I saw pictures.  I feel bad unfriending and blocking because I added them and it seemed like a good idea at the time and it's taken so personally.  It sucks.

I've always said I'd love to be a fly on the wall.... okay, maybe a butterfly; they're prettier and less diseased.  I'm there.  I see.  I experience.  Once in a while I'll settle onto the centerpiece and make myself known.  I'll let you into my life sometimes if you don't bug me constantly.  I'll share my ups and try not to share my downs too dramatically.  I'll make you smile or make you think or post on your wall that I miss you, sending you a hug.  I'll comment on a great picture, but we can chat in my inbox.  I'll probably miss your birthday; I always miss birthdays.  So Happy Birthday.

Here is my public pledge:

I promise to post enough to keep you abreast on what is going on with me.  I promise to make you laugh, share insights and pictures of me and my family and my life.  I promise my page is me and not a multiple of me by me or anyone else.  Those who know me know how I am and those who think they do can leave if they find me offensive.  I promise my private life has nothing to do with my work life, and I would rather not engage in work conversation on my private page or my inbox. I promise to let you know when I've stopped by to say hello.  I promise we will talk...in my inbox or yours.
I promise I will never post chain letters/pictures, *force my causes (see footnote) on you or "share" every post I come across.  I will not post where I am, every time I am somewhere even if it's the bathroom at the Saddledome which makes you so envious you can taste it because I'm at that wicked concert you wish you were at.  I will not judge you or your fall-down drunk pics or your drunk status updates.  I may judge you on your illegal behavior, illicit posts about how much of a slut you are, where to buy weed or multiple weed-smoking pics, bottle-ballin' and bags of green at 14 years old.  So may your future employers.  Or your family.  Or the cops.  And for the love of- young men and women (like teen-young) should be so much more cautious of those naked pics you post!  Get a grip, get a life, get some clothes on!

*By forcing my causes, one should assume multiple posts and news feed clogging.  Amendment includes the right to post "raising money for _______ please support me" or "like if you support _______" but I will never post something that assumes that a lack of "likes" insists on a lack of heart, belief or opinion.  I will never rally for a cause and make claim that you have less compassion for not supporting my cause.

Maybe I'll join the dark side of FB again and start posting my stuff.  I do miss my friends and my family.  I miss commenting on a cute or stunning pic of your kids or family.  I miss seeing where you were at on your last vacation.  I miss random comments from my friends on some of my activity.  For the dish on life as I see it, the rest of that will be posted on here, going forward.  I will always link it from my page but you can comment or not, read or ignore... it's just there, as I am; the butterfly on the wall.

Monday, June 10, 2013

On Parenting

Being a parent is hard sometimes.  I would say in my own experience of having 2 kids, one of each, I think 85% of the time, it's a fairly easy job.  Both of my kids are normal.  Neither one has given me a ton of grief over the years.  My daughter and I actually like each other and she's 15 and a half.  My son and I could be closer, but I think we try at our relationship and are successful.  
On that note, I'm a lot more relaxed in the "rules" department than most parents.  I figure that my kids are teens and a certain amount of experimentation is going to happen so I usually have a couple of rules I lay out.  Be safe. (And of course I tell them how to take measures to be safe.)  Have fun.  Stay in control.  Call me if you get in over your head.  Sometimes I will prefer that their parties happen at my house but I need to be there.  No fighting.  No drama.  No one in the bedrooms.  Use the butt-can.  I don't "boot" for my kids' friends.  I don't provide supplies for "recreational experiments".
I don't ground my kids either.  Since when does that work?  All it does is make my life miserable having to babysit and put up with the stink-fest that goes along with grounding.  And I don't take cell phones away because then I REALLY can't reach you when I'm trying to stalk you!
Discipline is required though.  I find a kid will learn more from penance-style punishment rather than grounding.  I mean, if they get me upset enough, I will lecture.  I know they tune it out but I'm mad!  I need to vent!  They need to know that what they did was wrong, irresponsible, unacceptable for reasons x, y and z, or that they worried the crap out of me!  Then I let them go.  I may tell them to go to their room and hijack their phone then for a couple of hours.  Then we talk again.  Why?  Because we're both calm, I don't yell and we both get to plead our cases.  I'm usually right.  I'm the mom.  Then I assign their punishment.  Which they hate.  But I'm allowed to be as picky as I want, and as a result, I get some great detailing done on my car or a stellar mow-job on the grass or no laundry for a week.

I will say, I did ground my daughter once.  I described what I was doing as "grounding you indefinitely".  It really allowed me to be creative.  See, she was getting into some trouble, got herself suspended from school for a really dumb reason, like she should have known WAY better than to do what she did.  I was sick and tired of her antics that had been popping up.  I decided when she could make a smart decision she'd be allowed out.  My grounds for release were as follows:
1- I approve what you're doing
2- I approve how long and what time you come home
3- I approve of the people you're doing it with
4- I trust that you're being honest with me and not feeding me a bullshit story.
5- I or another parent is allowed to drive you and pick you up
6- I can kibosh your release upon my lack of approval for any of these reasons
7- This will continue for such time as I see fit; it is your responsibility to make smarter decisions.  Max length of punishment, 6 months.  Probationary period may be required.

I guess these seem like simple, everyday rules. But you can't pick your kids' friends.  I don't think that's fair to them.  So, the deal was that she had a "safe list".  I told her who was a positive influence in her life, who was a negative influence, who she could see without having parents home and who she was not to hang out with without parental supervision.  In some cases, the only time she was able to hang out with some of them was only at our home.  She was allowed to have almost no restrictions with the safe list, but her rope got shorter as she made the decisions to hang out with the other kids and she didn't like that.  To her credit though, she never once was dishonest about anything, so it worked.  I cut both my kids a lot of slack, but pull back hard when they get out of line.  I can't make them do anything at this age.  I can only guide them, advise them and hope they make the right decisions that will shape their future.

Every now and again though, life throws you a curve ball and you have to deal with the worst of the worst. For example, getting suspended (this is bad in my books, folks; really bad), pregnancy scares (haven't had one of these yet, thank gawd!) bad relationships, drug/alcohol issues, police rides home, depression... Yes, depression.  Suicide.  No self-esteem.  Anxiety.  Self-loathing.  I watched my son go through this this past spring.  I arrived home from a vacation to find out he wanted to be hospitalized; he'd wanted to take his own life.  He spent 3 days in an emergency room psych ward with plastic walls and padded furniture, no mattress,  no shoes...he sat quietly while he waited for a bed to open in the Young Adult Program for mental health, doing word searches and crosswords and saying he was fine, but was happy to get into the program finally.  I stayed there with him and so did his dad.  We took shifts.  It was a scary place.  It had weird lighting.  It was cold.  It made me mental just being in there.  It was mostly quiet; almost sound proof.  I watched for 3 days, while my son maintained some sort of sanity, but couldn't be alone because he was a harm to himself, while across the hall, the guy in there had fights with "The Spirit People" who were in his walls and I quote, "You think I'm crazy, look at the walls!  Can't you see they're looking right at us!" and then he proceeded to wrestle them and yell at them and throw his padded furniture around.  And believing every moment of it.  It was a horrible experience.  He was admitted into the program, finally, and spent 5 weeks in hospital.  I visited.  Our family did counselling.  He was undergoing psych testing, having meds adjusted...how could my son feel like life was so hopeless?  Why couldn't he hear me tell him I love him?  Why would it seem easier to end it all than to just push through to the next phase?  Because I promise you, it always gets better.  
Seeing your kid, your baby, in the hospital gown in the mental health ward is not something I ever wish on anyone.  Even now, it's really hard to talk about it.  I'm just so glad he had the courage to come to us first.

If you, or anyone you know has had suicidal thoughts or has the desire to harm themselves, please know:

Suicide is preventable.  You are not alone.  It will get better.  

I want to post contacts to a suicide prevention line, but that is very subjective to where you are in the world, reading this.  In Canada, Kids Help Phone 1-800-668-6868 can always listen, help, support or be a reference to any numbers you might need.